(As some of you already know, this is the second incarnation of the Jolt Country BBS. What probably all of you have realized, though, is that virtually none of the original denizens from the dial-up years are around for this version. This, truth to tell, was not an unexpected occurrence, as back in 1996 there was a feature on the BBS that spoke to the final fate that many of the callers would encounter in the future. In this, a final nod to our former, fallen friends, I present... "The Many Deaths of Jolt Country." )
On Halloween of 1990 the bombs fell. Virtually the entire world was
attacked with nuclear warheads for reasons never adequately explained to the populace.
Food and water became extremely precious to the few survivors, as well shelter, radiation
shielding and companionship.
Word traveled fast that a walled community had a virtually limitless supply of water. This
was soon discovered to not be completely accurate. Two college students had obtained an
incredible amount of a radiation-free carbonated beverage called "Jolt." Those
few survivors that learned of this flocked to the so called "Jolt Country" and
were readily admitted.
Presently the several hundred denizens of Jolt Country live with the hope that one
day the constant nuclear winter will end, and that mankind will one day be able to survive
beyond the walled, radiation-free
Country boundaries.
We now take you to the future. The supply of Jolt has almost been completely
exhausted, and the denizens have decided to leave Country boundaries and enter the
foreboding environment the politicians and military left behind.
The Many Deaths of Jolt Country
Ice Cream Jonsey was saddened to see the community that was Jolt
Country come to a close, but realized that all things must come to an end. It hurt him to
see Jolt Country end up like the Skull Squadron, or Runt's Madhouse and as a result he
ended up leaving after every denizen had checked out. Jonsey attempted to travel to
New Orleans in order to view his Saints live at their crib, but his S-15 broke down while
he was still in New York State. His friends from his band all survived the nuclear
winter, and eventually he was able to meet with all of them and reform Beaver.
Beaver managed to get national play with their single "Becky Nailed Recchi,"
making small stars out of all of them. Unfortunately, the nuclear winter was not kind to
Mark Recchi, and his radiation-damaged mind resented being exploited for an American's
personal gain. Recchi's body was severely weakened and had many open, stinging sores
-- all that kept him alive was the insane need to destroy Ice Cream Jonsey. The band was
in Montreal touring during Super Bowl weekend. The final play of the game came down to a
kick from Morten Andersen (who was, of course, re-signed) that would give the Saints the
ball game and their first NFL Championship. Recchi entered the room before the ball was
snapped toting a machine gun and screaming unintelligible shrieks through his
radiation-burned vocal cords. The toxic monster, formerly an NHL All-Star, fired several
explosive bullets into Ice Cream Jonsey's body and reduced his head into a fine, red mist.
Andersen made the field goal, and the world's biggest Saints fan died never seeing his
boys win the Super Bowl.
Da King, one of the founders of Jolt Country stayed until the last denizen moved out. Shaking hands with his friend Ice Cream Jonsey, Da King left to the frozen tundra up north which was Canada, in order to discover how many French-Canadian women survived the nuclear winter. Da King learned that the Canadian government which remained did not enforce gambling laws of any form. While initially he was making a sizeable fortune off sports wagering, he gambled too much on the Villanova/Jolt Country College NCAA Championship game, and subsequent desperation wagers only served to drive him further into the hole. After escaping his bookies via a flight to California, Da King worked for six years as a payroll specialist for Safeway. He was playing "NFL Gameday" on his Sony Playstation (after he traded in his 3DO to Electronics Boutique and received $50 of store credit for it) when his arch-enemy, Humberto Roque, finally tracked him down and broke into his mother's house. Unfortunately, Da King's desire not to rent was his undoing. Da King was able to knock Roque unconscious, but a Canadian legbreaker located his mother's house the exact same night. Da King was thrown into a debtor's prison and never heard from again; his fate unknown.
Jethro Q Walrustitty closed down class -- Auto Body 101 was over.
Liberals didn't necessarily get all the girls, and JQW wasn't convinced that that was so
bad. JQW had his cars, and his cars had his heart. The true tragedy of leaving Jolt
Country was which car he was going to have to leave behind.Walrustitty leapt into the 914,
and sped out into the dark night.His fingers grasped the superior design of the Momo
wheel. Instantly,his thoughts returned to his friends, and how they mocked his
purchase.Unfortunately, he would never see them again.
Eventually Walrustitty happened upon a rural community in the south -- one erected within
driving distance to a former NASCAR race track which those who survived the nuclear winter
were able to race on at their leisure. He found a girl that looked remarkably like
"Sonya Blade" from the Jolt Kountry Kombat games and married her. Ultimately,
his young bride informed him that she was pregnant and in a fit of joy, Walrustitty hopped
into his 914 to celebrate. His automobile blew a tire en route to the race track while he
was reaching speeds of... well, no one knows how fast he was going, because he never got
the speedometer fixed. His 5-point racing harness held him tight as he lost control of his
automobile and fell into a canyon. His 914 exploded and Jethro Q Walrustitty was consumed
in the flames.
Later, his friend the REAL Man visited the scene of the wreckage,and was only able to find
intact a small, plastic llama, and a single gauge from the 914 -- the Gii-ometer.
Walrustitty's great-uncle learned of the birth of his son, and returned from his corner to
help raise the lad.
The Real Man (or, the OyBoy, as he was sometimes known) was one of the
last four denizens to leave. A social creature by nature, he traveled from Jolt Country to
New York City, finding the cockroach problem even more out of control after the nuclear
winter. Much of the male populace of New York City did not seek other shelter during the
winter, and as a result their reproductive organs became shriveled and useless as the
radiation ate away at the tissue. Living in the radiation-free zone of Jolt Country, the
REAL Man was a godsend to the female population beginning to trickle back into the City.
The REAL Man made headlines after writing a best-selling book based upon his JC one-liners
and Twist-and-Quotes and found himself with many willing and eager partners. The REAL Man
later voyaged to the south to bury his friend Jethro Q Walrustitty, and was afterwards
never seen without his memento -- the plastic Llama.
One fateful night, after hooking up with Ani difference, Sheryl Crow, Rafting Partner and
Sinbad O'Connor the REAL Man (who in 3/4th of the above cases, was the only man the
otherwise lesbian girls had
seen in years) died of sexual exhaustion.
Chris the Sys left Jolt Country with the sole intention of making the Apple Computer Corporation the largest in the world. His strategy was to was to destroy all corporations larger than Apple by defeating the appropriate CEOs in personal combat. Calling upon his previous life as a college student, Chris knocked his enemies out of commission by breaking their necks with red bricks. After several years, Apple Computer was one of the top five companies in the world. The CEO of Microsoft, however, proved to be a wily foe and eventually turned Chris against himself. Creating equipment used on the internet that allowed net-surfers to participate in psychological experiments, Bill Gates digitized a picture of Chris's Mercury Tracer and asked net-surfers to identify the color. He then kidnapped the Sys and hooked him up to a machine which administered a strong electric shock every time an incorrect answer was entered from the Web Page. Chris the Sys died quickly, swearing that he would somehow obtain revenge on Gates from beyond the grave.
After leaving Jolt Country, Carolina Bunky became quite famous as a
writer. Many of the world's greatest authors died in the holocaust, leaving the door wide
open for new talent. She was able to write several lengthy novels, however as a down side
developed a mild case of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Upon learning that Microsoft CEO Bill Gates cruelly tortured and killed her boyfriend
Chris the Sys, Bunky traveled to Washington armed with an AK-47 "Super Soaker"
Assault Rifle. She calmly mowed down dozens of Microsoft employees that she held
responsible for Chris the Sys's passing. Bunky reached the secret lair of Gates and caught
him completely unaware, as Gates was giving himself his own personal Fury^3. She attempted
to pull the trigger that would end Gates' life when the carpal tunnel syndrome that she
had developed acted up and made her unable to squeeze the trigger.Gates entered the
destruction code to his office building and seconds later Carolina Bunky and most of the
Pacific Northwest was destroyed by a thermonuclear blast.
Nessman left Jolt Country after hearing that another country was consumed in a fire. He went to the remains in order to sift through the wreckage and steal whatever valuable computer equipment he could. For years, he traveled from country to country selling what charred computer goods he could to suckers. His journey took him to a medium-sized city where the rock group Gwar was playing. Pushing his way to the front of the line, he was able to get into the front row at the chaotic concert. At this particular concert, the guitarist for Gwar began to throw bags of chicken blood into the crowd. Nessman, moshing up front, was hit in the face and the bag became lodged in his throat. The uncaring crowd paid no care as he choked to death and fell to the floor. His body was discovered the next day by the promoter for "Ice Capades."
Lupus Yonderboy spent much of his time with his own empire, Bent Reality. During the nuclear winter he got his Purity Test score down to 12 (and was not-coincidentally banned from virtually all the roller coasters in North America). Bent Reality was hit hard when a load of degenerates from the former "Asylum" BBS wandered into BR and crashed their van into an electric transformer. Seeking shelter with his friends at a Perkins, Lupus Yonderboy died after consuming his fourteenth cup of coffee unknowingly tainted with radioactive water.
IM HUGE was able to secure a job in the National Hockey League playing
defense for the New Jersey Devils. Since the world's population had thinned out after the
nuclear winter he was now one of the world's best players. He proved to be a scrappy young
blue-liner and won the Calder and Norris Trophy his rookie year. His career was cut short
after a fight in his second season with Colorado Avalanche forward Claude Lemeuix.
Lemeuix, resentful of the time HUGE pulled a reproductive organ out of his mouth viciously
attacked him. HUGE was beaten to the point of requiring intense medical care. While
defenseless in the hospital, Bruce Shoebottom stalked him, remembering the night HUGE
heckled him for the entire game, shouting "I want my shooooooeeeee!!!"
Shoebottom was about to cut life support from HUGE when Dan Marino's son entered the room
and emptied a pistol into Shoebottom's chest.
Years ago, Marino's son was kept in a dungeon by his father and served gruel by HUGE for
several weeks. Misplacing his anger, Marino's son stopped the life-support system that was
helping HUGE to live, and HUGE went brain dead. He died before his doctors noticed
anything amiss. A funeral was held for IM HUGE and his last coach, Jaques Lemair, stated,
"you can't coach heart. And his heart was huge."
One of Jolt Country's longest active denizens, The Infinite Raven left Jolt Country during the mass exodus at the end of the JC era. He traveled to Japan, where he was instantly enthralled with their wide-eyed cartoons and intelligent anime productions. Raven eventually landed work as a script writer for high-budget anime films.While researching for his newest production, Raven happened upon an mystical, underground Japanese society. Unwilling to deal with American outsiders, Raven was captured and forced to have tentacle sex with a giant purple octopus. Raven died quickly as the beast shredded his body in sexual furor.
Diamond Dave, the Love Slave was a periodic member of Jolt Country, often spending his time away from Country boundaries in search of respectful, Asian women. The Love Slave would occasionally pop back into Jolt Country to make shocking statements and accusations, much to the delight of Ice Cream Jonsey. The Love Slave, being away from Jolt Country for so long had no idea of the mass exodus -- apparently, no one called him to tell him. He made his way to Jethro Q Walrustitty's old quarters, and began to destroy his possessions with M-80 firecrackers. In a particularly evil mindset, he decided to kill the rats that Walrustitty had temporarily left behind (due to the lack of trunk space in the 914.) The Love Slave placed an M-80 into Walrustitty's rats' glass container and failed to get a safe distance away. He was killed when a chunk of rat splorg was propelled through his body cavity, rupturing his heart.
Oh-Niner left Jolt Country during the winter of 1995 after an accident with the despised Anti-Destination League. Deciding to infiltrate this evil subculture and destroy it from within, Oh-Niner entered the ranks as a Plebe, determined to make his way up. As a plebe, Oh-Niner was forced to drive in one of the last positions when the Anti-Destination League would travel across the country. Unwilling to blow his cover, Oh-Niner died of boredom during a drive from Jolt Country to Colorado, behind four graying, ancient ladies traveling 34mph on a 65mph highway.
The All-American boy, Farsase believed in hard work, hard fun, and tight women. After leaving Jolt Country, he was determined to attend college and work 80 hours a week, all while maintaining a beautiful relationship with a girl he loved. Farsase collapsed from exhaustion while working overtime during Finals Week, and his co-worker, Jeff "The Real King" Fuller was too intoxicated to notice Farsase's plight. Farsase received no medical attention and died. "The Real King" continued to play drinking games with Farsase's corpse for several years. In his drunken stupor, Fuller simply assumed that Farsase had "gotten a little quiet in recent months."
As a Jolt Country denizen that hated the sun, smoked and had continual hathead, Shadow Knight died of scurvy, Vitamin D deficiency, lung cancer and brain squeezing simultaneously before the nuclear winter was over.
Cleo was the Wall Goddess of Jolt Country, and left to attend college after most of the denizens emigrated from Jolt Country. Her attraction to men that were bad for her proved to be her final undoing, as she was run over by a Pepsi Truck bringing in cola for the inmates of the Attica State Correctional Facility while waiting outside for a potential boyfriend to be released.
Aardvark left Jolt Country in 1992, and his subsequent whereabouts until his death are a mystery. Unable to ever connect to a computer at anything other than 300 baud, he was telecommunicating during a fierce storm, and had just completed 99% of a 2 megabyte download. Forgetting to turn "Keep aborted downloads" on, he was unwilling to shut his computer off during the storm. A bolt of electricity struck his house, and his monitor exploded, instantly turning his head into a bloody mess of shrapnel, bone, brain and glass. His wife heard the explosion and entered the computer room, to found Aardvark's headless corpse hunched over his computer.
Perry, the wandering Canadian minstrel also known as "Satan" left Jolt Country in 1993 to take a job in Detroit. He was able to make a small fortune selling Stacker 5.0 to unsuspecting souls until he sold it to the wrong man. Perry had an appointment with a very large former basketball player, roughly 6'10" in height. Thinking nothing of this, he installed Stacker 5.0 on the man's machine and laughed all the way to the bank. The man soon discovered that his computer's hard disk was completely destroyed, and sought him out. Perry never knew what hit him. Bill Lambier, former Detroit Pistons center, and NBA "bad boy," ripped him from his Toyota and began to beat him senseless in the middle of a busy intersection. The rest of the populace of Detroit, seeing a hometown favorite beat up an owner of a foreign car did little more than honk their horns. Perry eventually made it to a hospital, but died in surgery through wounds given to him by Lambier.
After leaving Jolt Country, Betty Boop happened upon a vacant community destroyed by vandals and the effects of nuclear winter. Boop began to take all the sneakers that she could to her home and stored them in a closet. One day, after placing several thousand sneakers in her home, she opened up a door she thought led to the cellar and was crushed by the weight of the sneakers that fell on her.
The Black Knight left Jolt Country in 1995 to join the Marines. His job was to kill people and break things. The Black Knight was killed in the WarezWarz of 2005 and given a Plaid Heart for his bravery.
MacPhisto left Jolt Country in order to concentrate on his studies. While attending a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, he found that his seat was right next to a very large speaker. At first he was excited to be able to hear the bass so clearly, however an equipment malfunction caused a sonic wave of several hundred thousand decibels to explode through the speaker. MacPhisto's body was instantly pulped and the shredded remnants of it covered virtually the entire area of the concert.
Humberto Roque was notorious for attacking Da King, Ice Cream Jonsey
and Farsase during the Calder Cup Finals. Thrown in jail for a night because of his
attack, he luckily avoided the holocaust of Springfield when a small nuclear device was
dropped on the town. A man without a home, Roque wandered aimlessly for several
years.Eventually he bought himself an Internet Phone Book, and discovered
Da King's mother's address in California. His mind was ravaged by radiation, due to not
spending most of the nuclear winter in a safe haven, and he was easily defeated by Da King
when they fought. Roque eventually decided to hitch hike back to New England, and was run
over by Jody Gage, who was traveling to the Midwest for some scouting. Gage never even
slowed down. Roque died on the highway, and was eventually consumed by vultures and
buzzards.
MacTavish entered Jolt Country and greeted all the new users. He played in the JC hockey games without a helmet and was 41 years old when he left Country boundaries. MacTavish left Jolt Country on a motorcycle, traveling to Philadelphia for a game. While on the road MacTavish's motorcycle ran over a half dozen of lemon doughnuts that litterers had thrown onto the road. MacTavish crashed and hit the hard pavement head-first. Not wearing a helmet as always, MacTavish suffered serious head injuries and bled to death on the highway.
While leaving a Yes concert Da King, Ice Cream Jonsey, the REAL Man and Scheff were
yelled at by a wag hanging out of a decrepit, poorly maintained automobile. "Y'all
remember Hall and Oates next week! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" was what the useless Wag
shouted. Jonsey, the great Hall and Oates fan was stunned -- how could this idiot know HE
was such a great fan? It had to be a coincidence... right?
It was, in reality, no coincidence. The Wag from the Yes concert was, in fact, an early
Jolt Country called who tried to connect at 300 baud. After getting the infamous
"computing with dinosaurs" message, he left the hobby bitter and confused,
swearing only revenge against Ice Cream Jonsey. Researching his nemesis at the local
library, he scored his greatest victory after humiliating Jonsey as he was walking away
from the Yes concert. Unfortunately, the Wag did not have his parent's permission to
attend, and was thrown out of his home after returning. The Wag got a job doing the only
thing he knew how -- he was chief nutsqueezer for Jon Anderson before every Yes concert.
The Wag was beaten severely by Anderson's son and wife in 1994, and later took his own
life, unable to live with the humiliating practice the job required.
Loafer Girl survived the nuclear winter within Country boundaries, however she often ventured outside to experience the eerily beautiful sunsets that the fallout produced. Inspired, she wrote a book of poetry on the subject which was translated into several languages and published worldwide. A tribe of rather inebriated Micks took the book too literally however, and engineered a nuclear explosion ten miles south of Belfast. After receiving critical acclaim as an author, all that remained for her to accomplish was to meet the members of the band "R.E.M." -- her idols. Following the band Beaver on tour (whose keyboardist was her friend Ice Cream Jonsey) she was led to R.E.M.'s trailer during the Lollapalooza tour. She rapped upon their trailer door, excited to finally get the chance to meet the band.
Michael Stipe opened the door and it was most unfortunate at that moment that a break in the clouds occurred. Sunlight reflected off Stipe's bald skull, blinding Loafer Girl badly. She thrashed about in shock, only to become stuck within the quagmire that is the drummer's unibrow. In order to investigate the screaming, bassist Mike Mills left the trailer and was stunned at the sight of Loafer Girl unable to remove her person from the unibrow's evil grasp. Mills removed his coke-bottle lenses for a better look and sunlight reflected through them, causing a powerful beam of infrared radiation to combust Loafer Girl's body. All that remained from this horrible death were a lone pair of loafers that eventually ended in Betty Boop's closet.
The slightly larger breasted gas attendant known as Jink left Jolt Country well before the winter had passed. The harmful radiation ate away at her figure causing her to install breast implants for compensation. While at work, an armed criminal attempted to rob the station that employed Jink. Over-excited, Jink's implants exploded, killing the criminal but not before he squeezed a final, fatal round into Jink's body.
Renowned as the Greatest System Operator of All-Time, The Duck
eventually closed the Truck Stop and entered Country Boundaries. While at the Truck Stop,
he innovated several key concepts, including a pre-cursor of the Falcon's Eye game called
"Empire," and recognizing "xx69" messages.
The world class, pony-tailed sysop drove off into the sunset after Jolt Country closed,
presumably to start another version of the Truck Stop out west, and introduce the classic
hobby of telecommunication
to lands that would be otherwise unaware.
The man known as TAC was assassinated by Roque, the self-styled sysop killer. Roque wired TAC's keyboard to explode if the "shift" and "1" key were hit simultaneously. TAC was reportedly killed less than three seconds after sitting down to his keyboard, taking out five solid blocks with him.
The Real King was famous for throwing loud, drunken parties; for
referring to a 17 year old Ms. Amy Friday as "too old for his tastes" and
for last being seen walking towards 490 after his last soiree,
never to be seen again by Jolt Country denizens. In reality, the Real King passed out to
the side of Monroe Avenue. He was killed that morning in a Sanitation Engineering Vehicle.
Engineers aboard the truck were apparently unable to distinguish him from the rest of the
garbage.
The man they knew as BUG. spent virtually no time in Jolt Country. His fame came during an earlier time, as a member of the Truck Stop BBS. BUG. was somewhat of a lurker but when he did post had very intelligent and funny messages. BUG. is perhaps most famous for his desire to sell a printer for several months. Although it was never explained to the populace, the reason for his desire to rid himself of the printer was quite sinister. BUG.'s printer was a cursed item that constantly channeled Hitler, Lucifer and former NCAA All-American, Portland Trail Blazer & NBC Color Commentator Bill Walton.
While able to live with the fact that Hitler and Lucifer communicated through his printer,
(constantly interrupting his documents with anti-Semitic or anti-religious slogans) he was
never able to comprehend why the weak insights of Walton were continually showing up on
his dot-matrix printer. Towards the end of this evil, parasitic existence, ASCII
representations of Walton's face were spouting from the thing any time a print job was
requested. Succumbing to madness, BUG. and his twisted printer jumped into the Jolt
Country River and were never seen again.