Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

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Tdarcos
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Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

I want a thread of good dirty jokes. Or related stories. Please leave commentary elsewhere, this is just for dirty jokes and off-color stories, I'd like it to be fun, so funny, okay?

- - - -
From a restroom stall I saw once:

The Story of Cactus Pete

Over the hill came Cactus Pete
With 20 pounds of swinging meat.

Over the hill came Molly Brown
Who swore no man would lay her down.

Pete met Molly in the tip-tall grass
And drove his rod right up her ass,

Just about then, she cut a fart
And blew his balls 10 feet apart.

Over the hill went Cactus Pete
With 20 pounds of shredded meat.
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Tdarcos
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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

How do you get your wife/girlfriend to scream twice?











Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on the drapes.
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Tdarcos
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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

What's cylinder shaped, long, hard and full of seamen?
















A submarine of course. What else were you thinking of, you pervert?
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Tdarcos
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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

I told this one to my urologist while I was getting my pants off for an exam:

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist, and asks him, "What's a phallic symbol?"
Not sure how else to explain, he drops his pants and shows her his privates.
She looks at it, and says, "Oh, it's like a dick, only smaller."
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Tdarcos
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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

A teenaged couple are going at it hot and heavy, then the male finishes and rolls off her. She said, "man, that was a great fuck."
He replies, "Yes, it was. Gee, sis, you're an even better fuck than mom!"
She smiles, "I know. Daddy says the same thing."
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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pinback
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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by pinback »

So no commentary, right?
I don't have to say anything. I'm a doctor, too.

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by AArdvark »

There was a prominent doctor in a small town that was scheduled to give a speech on human sexuality at the monthly Rotary dinner. In order to avoid embarrassment he told his prudish wife that he was giving a speech on sailing.

The next day at the supermarket the doctor's wife met one of the dinner attendees.

"Your husband gave such a great speech last night," the man said.

"Really?" replied the wife. "But he doesn't know a thing about it. He's only done it twice, the first time he got seasick and the second time his hat blew off."


THE
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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

Commentary is okay if it is used to improve the joke. Like, here is a 'meta-joke':

Man 1: I have a joke. Did you hear how Michael Jackson was buying pants in the kids department for 50% discount?
Man 2: You idiot! The joke is that Michael Jackson was in a department store kids section because he could get boys pants half off.

Obligaatory dirty joke:

A merchant who doesn't understand Japanese is negotiating a deal there. He stays overnight at an associate's home, and the man's daughter indicates she's taken a fancy to him. She sneaks into his room, and they eventually get busy. While he's doing her, she's calling out "それは間違った穴です"! (sounds like "soera maht se ga ma tah say dis!") and repeats it several times, which he presumes means that it was great. He comes and pulls out, so she sneaks back to her room. The next day, the businessman is having golf with the girl's father, gets a hole in one, and shouts, "soera maht se ga ma tah say dis!" twice. The father, who speaks both English and Japanese, and knows the man doesn't, says, "What do you mean, 'that's the wrong hole'?"
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Tdarcos
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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

What do girls and noodles have in common?
















They both wiggle when you eat them.
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by pinback »

I don't like that one.
I don't have to say anything. I'm a doctor, too.

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

Girl: Boy you sure smell great! What do you have on?
Man: I have a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it.
- - - -
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground, and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye, meaning "I", points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back-and-forth like a hand saw motion. The man on the first floor nods, pulls his pants down, whips out his dick and begins masturbating.

The worker on the 5th floor is so pissed off, he runs down to the first floor, and yells at the other worker, "What the fuck were you doing? I said I needed a hand saw!"
"I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

The one I think is the funniest/sickest:

A man goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam. He only has $5, can she do anything for him?
She's got one woman he can use, and he doesn't get to kiss her, or talk to her, just fuck her, come, and leave. He gives her the $5, and goes to the room, where a naked woman is lying spreadeagled on the bed. He strips, gets on top of her, proceeds to go to town, then comes.
Out of every orifice on her body - vagina, ass, mouth, nose ,ears, even eyes - oozes out green slime. He jumps off her, and runs screaming in panic to the front desk, where he tells the madam what happens. Calmly, she presses a button on the intercom, and says, "Hey Freddie! The dead one's full again!"
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by AArdvark »

Have you been re-reading Blanche Knott's books?

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

AArdvark wrote: Sun Dec 04, 2022 6:00 am Have you been re-reading Blanche Knott's books?
No. Who's Blanche Knott? Someone involved with Knott's Berry Farm?
I looked her up on Amazon in the book section. She has issued over 12 volumes of tasteless jokes.

So to coin a dad joke:
Who's Blanche Knott? Someone involved with Knott's Berry Farm? Yeah, berry tateless form.
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by Tdarcos »

A guy goes to a whorehouse and asks the madam if she has something different. She says, "Okay, but it's $200." He pays, and she says, "Go see Linda, room 5."

He walks in to find her watching TV and says to her, "Nancy says you have something special."

"Oh yeah." She gets down on her knees, looks up, then hands him a condom and pulls a glass eye out. "Now you get to do me there." So he skullfucks her, comes, then pulls out.

"Wow, that was fantastic! Can I do that again next week?"

"Sure, I'll keep an eye out for you."
Evil cannot create anything new
They can only corrupt and ruin
What good forces have invented or made.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by raecoffey »

So a pirate was in a shipwreck, right?
And as a result of the wreck,
His ships steeringwheel was
tangled up in his testicles.

So the pirate walks into a bar
And the bar man says
"Your ships wheel is attatched to your testicles..."

Ans so the pirate responded
"Aarg, it's drivin me nuts!"
Lorelie Kraus the 1st

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by raecoffey »

A man is going on a business trip to Jamaica
And his wife, who is named "Wendy," is afraid
That he will cheat. So she asks him if he'll get her name tattooed on his dick? He agrees, and so
He takes a viagra at the tattoo shop so it's hard
The entire time that he's getting the tattoo.
When he gets home and it shrivel up, it only
says "W...y."

He gets to Jamaica, he's in the airport terminal
In the restroom, at the urinal and he looks to his
Left and he sees a Jamaican man standing next
To him with the words "W...y" tattooed on his dick
Too! He points to it and asks "Is your wife named Wendy too?!?!"

The Jamaican guy, in his thick accent replies
"Oh no, it says
'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice daY!"

(The fun thing about this joke is that you can
Replace "Jamaica, " with any country you wish!)
Lorelie Kraus the 1st

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by raecoffey »

So a widow in her 70s decides to look for a second husband, so she puts an ad in a local newspaper 📰.

It read:
"Looking for my second husband, must be around my age, 70s.
- musnt run around on me
- musnt beat me
- must still be good in bed
- all applicants are to apply in person
to this address..."

The next morning she heard a ring a her doorbell
"Ding- Dong." To her dismay, she opened her door
To find an old white haired man, in a wheelchair ♿️,
With no arms or legs!

She looks at him and says
"You can't possibly think that I'd consider you,
You have no legs!" To which he replied

- "then I can't run around on you madame!"

Then she said "But you have no arms!"
To which he replied

- "then I can't beat you madame!"

Curious she asks "Well, are you still good in bed?"

He looks her in the eye, on his face a wide
toothless grin, and he says

-"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Lorelie Kraus the 1st

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by pinback »

That was okay.
I don't have to say anything. I'm a doctor, too.

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Re: Best - or at least good - funny dirty jokes, off-color stories, limerics, or poems. etc,

Post by raecoffey »

pinback wrote: Wed Jan 18, 2023 9:13 amThat was okay.
Which one? I posted 3...
Lorelie Kraus the 1st

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