Not the Best Movies I've Ever Seen In My Life

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

pinback wrote:1. On the subject of Starship Troopers, JQW is right and Jonsey is a moron.
COME ON HE PUT JAKE BUSEY, DOOGIE HOUSER AND CLANCY BROWN IN THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE GGYARH HHJAAAGYR HRYRYRY YOU CNNOT BE SERIOUS
5. On the subject of Mallrats and various other Kevin Smith movies, Jonsey is a moron because he rates movies based on how much they "meant" to him, instead of rating them on how good they are. Nobody cares how much a movie "meant" to you. We want to know if the movie is any good.
You know what? Fuck you. You want some critical analysis of media, regardless of what it meant to me? You want that? HERE, BITCH. There's 69 reviews of computer games from as objective and fair a mind as you're going to find in all of reviewdom by the best fucking game reviewer on this miserable planet. I've done my part, I've done my time, I've put in the hours, I've put in the deconstruction and commentary and explanation of opinions and presentation of objective facts. Movies -- like music!!! (he said, as Pinback goes into a frothy flurry of discomprehension) can't be reviewed in any other way than the way I review movies, because when it comes right down to it, they effect everybody in a different way and have no objective criteria.

Oooh! Wait! They do!

Mallrats is a good movie, because there were no cigarette burns all over the fucking thing, the boom mic was never in any shot, and the projectionist matted it correctly when I saw it. 10/10!!!!

P.S. --> FUCK YOU.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

Violet
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Post by Violet »

I am not a moron for not logging in. My name goes on all my posts, unlike some users. You sir are a replicant so go stick you freaking hand in a boiling pot of hot water and eggs. Watch out retirements a bitch.
The End

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

1) Violet has logged in for every post she's made. I don't know why Pinback would just start making stuff up. There are like five or six people to give a hard time to in regards to not logging in, she is not one of them.

2) I link both the Goatse man and Tubgirl in the words "Fuck" and "You" two posts up and Benjamin "Pinback" Parrish has no comment to offer on that? DAMNABLE RUBE.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

looper
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Post by looper »

Ugh. wrote:The last time Hollywood could turn out legitimate, serious moviemakers was in the '70s - the current system punishes challenging movies and encourages easy-to-digest crap, like Independance Day, Mummy Returns, and Matrix Reloaded.
It seems you're loading your argument. These are obviously crappy movies, but certainly not representative of even the range of genres popular in the U.S. today. Those are all action movies. I don't even necessarily disagree. But you're loading your argument.
Ugh. wrote:Those who take the time to venture outside the multiplex fare will find plenty of reasons not to return - why see Phone Booth when you can see Run Lola Run?
I saw that director's (Run Lola Run's) next movie, The Princess and the Warrior, at a multiplex.
Ugh. wrote:Why see Sixth Sense when you can see The Eye? (OK, The Eye is much newer - but far superior and holy SHIT is it scary.) Etc, etc.
Never heard of the Eye. What's that about?
Ugh. wrote:Oh, and for Christ's sake - Mothman Prophecies?????? A "true" movie made because people were mistaking an own for a flying monster - who, in the movie, has the ability to destroy bridges like fucking Rodan? If you want a monster movie, watch a monster movie,
Can't believe you didn't like it. I never intended to see the thing, but when I did, accidentally, I thought it was cool. I especially dug when the old bearded man's creeping out the protagonist. If you remember.

And what's an "own"?
Ugh. wrote: not some slick Hollywood production that barely even shows you the monster.
Huh? Is that bad? Who said it was a "monster" movie? Seems like it could just as easily be labeled a "psychological thriller", in which case it would be true to form if it implies as much as it makes explicit.

Debaser
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Post by Debaser »

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:As for Starship Troopers: you either have faith that the screenwriters and director were engaged in parody and "in" on the joke, or you don't.
Granted that this is a movie I saw at like 2:00 AM when I was sixteen and kinda drunk, but does the intention really matter one way or another? I mean, either it works as pardoy or it doesn't. Whether the man intended to make parody and failed or intended to make a straight film and accidentally fell ass-backwards into an amusing social commentary is kind of irrelevent to how the movie plays. Personally, I remember somebody pointing out (maybe in this thread, I only kind of skimmed it, but I definitely read it somewhere else first) that the revelation of the "Brain Bugs" meant the humans were fighting another intelligent species instead of bunch of movie monsters. Which is, intentionally or otherwise, a perfectly creepy way to end the flick once you get all the patriotic mumbo jumbo in the final seen.

That having been said, I don't think Starship Troopers would get nearly as much flack as is it does if it weren't ostensibly an adaptation of the book; nor would anyone have ever bothered to examine the film close enough to see that maybe it was "kidding". I mean, it's frantic and has a giant insect biting somebody in half. That's not the type of thing you usually think about enough to form any sort of opinion on.

Completely Off-Topic

Post by Completely Off-Topic »

SIGNS?

Nothing but love for Signs.

I hear that they help label everything from streets to stores, so it's easier for us to tell what everything is, which is awesome.

Jethro Q. Walrustitty
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Post by Jethro Q. Walrustitty »

I shall make Jonsey's day - nay, his motherfucking LIFE - by logging in this time.

First, my words for Jonsey:
1) Last word on Starship Troopers: The beauty is that the movie functions perfectly well as an action and monster movie even if you completely ignore its parody aspects. Apart from every idiot who thinks they're clever by saying "gee, all they needed was a big can of Raid, aha ha ha!" That you continue to harp on Doogie being in it specifically shows that you Do. Not. Get. It. Such kids being in it is the point.

2) Listen, Garrison Keiller, tales of your youth don't make Mallrats a better movie. Brodie Bruce may be your hero, but come on, even if you do think he's that great (which no one else does), the rest of the movie is steamy horse shit.

3) I'm glad to see that no one debates that Kevin Smith is a bit of a shameless whore. J&SB action figures? DVDs of him blathering for hours? View Askew t-shirts? Bleh.

4) Even if you do love comic books, "Signs" rather sucked.

Now for Pinback:
1) I have to agree with Jonsey on the 5-star scheme. You can't say that 4 stars is the best, then arbitarily adding up to one more full star, any more than you can turn your stereo up to "11" during a particularly rockin' song. If you're doing that, then your system is skewed and faulty, and must be re-evaluated.

2) Obviously, your general take on movies is a bit, err, "off", to be propping up Magnolia like this. On IMDB's top 250 movies, Mag is way down in 155th place (with a 7.9/10 rating), just below Gladiator, which is just below Back to the Future. Other movies rated higher:
148 - Die Hard, 143 - Being John Malkovich, 126 - Return of the Jedi, 91 - Run Lola Run, 88 - Donnie Darko, 73 - Jaws, 55- Se7en, 53 - MP & the Holy Grail, 33 - The Matrix, 24 - Silence of the Lambs, etc, etc, etc.
Of course, that list is hardly a reliable reference for the "best movies ever" - hell, Godfather is #1, Godfather 2 is #3, and doesn't everyone agree that the sequel is better? And Shawshank Redemption rating higher than Citizen Kane - two good movies, but is SR really better? Certainly, on historical significance alone, CK belongs at or near the top of almost any list.

They do correctly put LOTR 1 over LOTR 2. Heh. Heh. Heh. More interesting, though, is the bottom 100 list.

Lastly, looper:
1) Probably good points, but I wanted to go to extremes to make the point. Saying that "Two Weeks Notice" is not exactly a groundbreaking, challenging movie probably doesn't make the point as effectively as studios consistently throwing staggering amounts of money into movies that they fully expect to be bad, and, of course, moviegoers are often happy to see bad movies, so that there is no challenge. "Good" movies rarely do well on the first weekend, but make their money over a long span - like The Matrix, Crouching Tiger, and I suppose Greek Wedding (not having seen it.) Those are successful because the people have heard enough positive word of mouth to build up their courage to see something that is different from the usual. (Well, not so much for The Matrix, but definitely for the other two.)

2) That's a hell of a multiplex to show The Pricess and the Warrior. I don't believe it was in any theaters here in Rochester - maybe in the local art theater for a couple weeks.

3) re: Mothman - I admit that I didn't sit and watch the whole thing, but the wife did, and I caught moments here and there. She was sucked it though freely admitting that it was junky. The end scene at the bridge was appalling inept, I thought. As for "own", that's a typo - "owl" is what I meant. Folks saw a particularly large variety of owl flying around and concocted mothman stories to explain it, and they made a movie about it, "based on true events!!!"... even sillier than the concept of making a movie about crop circles when even the most credulous of people, the ones who rub crystals, call Miss Cleo, consult astrology charts, and take homeopathic medicine - even they know that crop circles are total hoaxes.

4) "The Eye" is a Thai horror movie about a blind girl who gets a cornea transplant and, imagine this, can see ghosts. She even sees the spectre of death come and take them away. OK, it sounds derivitive as hell - but it's really not; it's extremely well-made, well-acted, beautifully lensed, and holy fucking shit is it scary as hell. Not surprisingly, it was the fastest Asian movie ever to have the rights bought for a US remake - by frickin' Tom Cruise, unfortunately.
Ignore the wanker who left the most recent comments on IMDB (unless they've scrolled off by the time you see it) - he's wrong, and not only about it being Japanese. He also trashes Ringu and Audition, both quality Japanese horror movies. Anyways, The Eye will be released in theaters in NY/LA soon. I wouldn't be surprised to see it get released countrywide, as it absolutely kicks ass, and is far more effective IMHO than the overrated Sixth Sense. (Oh, there's a full review on my site, but to avoid upsetting Jonsey's delicate consitution, I shan't link directly to it.)

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:1) Last word on Starship Troopers: The beauty is that the movie functions perfectly well as an action and monster movie even if you completely ignore its parody aspects.
As a mindless action film it was OK. I mean, hey, fo shizzle, Deezy was fo nizzle, if you're digging my ditch here, and that was great.

That you continue to harp on Doogie being in it specifically shows that you Do. Not. Get. It. Such kids being in it is the point.
No! It's not! You're wrong! It means that the director was lazy in his casting.

I "get" Starship Troopers. Apparently better than the rest of you.

2) Listen, Garrison Keiller, tales of your youth don't make Mallrats a better movie.
If you're *me* and you lived through *my life* it is. That's the point.
Brodie Bruce may be your hero, but come on, even if you do think he's that great (which no one else does)
That's so not true. He's a fucking hero to men and boys everywhere. I can believe you live in a world where you think Brodie was a tool and that Blade Runner sucked. Fine, whatever. What I can't believe is that you think those two terrible opinions are held by the majority of people possessing an opinion on the subject. I'll tell you right now that if a poll was started to the effect of "Brodie Bruce: Cool or Tool?" the only people voting "tool" would be:

1) You.
2) Pinback, out of spite.
3) Not Molly Muffsweet, unless she registered.

Is that the kind of lineup you want to be associated with on this issue?

3) I'm glad to see that no one debates that Kevin Smith is a bit of a shameless whore. J&SB action figures? DVDs of him blathering for hours? View Askew t-shirts? Bleh.
That's easy for someone who hasn't created anything with their own hard work, persperation, blood, tears and man-gromit since the ATASCII days to say. I'm selling Fallacy of Dawn CDs, what, am I a whore now? If it were cost effective to make action figures without a prohibitively huge initial investment I will tell you right now that Feelies there would be hocking Delarion, Clara, Porn and -- yes, even your character -- Admiral Scorez action figures. How is the guy a whore for putting out products that his fans want to gobble up? I didn't go and buy the guy's taped college lectures; maybe I'd throw it in the basket if I ever re-join Columbia House, but you damn well know that if there was a market for, say, your BBS posts, you'd be riding that cash cow straight to tunatown.

(For what it's worth, I passed on those Simpson-style Clerks "inaction" thingies the guy is hocking. But you better believe I'm there when the Brodie one and then the Chasing Amy ones come out.)
4) Even if you do love comic books, "Signs" rather sucked.
?? Unbreakable was the one about comics. Signs was the one about aliens, crop circles, and Mel Gibson being insane with anger. Come on now, Titty! You're better than this!

4) "The Eye" is a Thai horror movie about a blind girl who gets a cornea transplant and, imagine this, can see ghosts.
This sounds interesting. More Titty-posting-about-horror-movies, less Titty-slagging-Brodie, plz!!!!!!111

(Oh, there's a full review on my site, but to avoid upsetting Jonsey's delicate consitution, I shan't link directly to it.)
When I saw "The Time Machine" starring Guy Pierce and that hot-as-fuck blonde girl who whines about getting flowers instead of stripping herself down to a corset and g-string, the beginning was spoiled as the movie was shown upside down.

Your statement there trumps it, however, as that sentence is the single worst case of projection I've ever seen. I'm shocked that someone who has done more to subvert the day to day operations of this BBS than a pack of offended haX0rs ever could is now attempting to project his failings on me. Unlike your Bed of Fascism, I am happy to discuss, mention and recommend my former JC SS companion's site. If I had a links page on JC (and I don't, because that's very ticky-tacky and weblogy) I would put your site on it.

You shame not only me with that statement, but our friendship and all the adventures we have had together. You'll pay for that comment, Walrustitty. I'll get you for that if it's the last thing I do.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

pack of offended haXors

Post by pack of offended haXors »

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I'm shocked that someone who has done more to subvert the day to day operations of this BBS than a pack of offended haX0rs ever could is now attempting to project his failings on me.
:(

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

Look, you guys do good work, but Walrustitty has a word censor up on his site for "Jolt Country." That's just cold, guys.

You know I love you hackin' tatterdemalions. You my niggahs.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Post by Jack Straw »

looper wrote: And what's an "own"?
Image

Jethro Q. Walrustitty
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Post by Jethro Q. Walrustitty »

OK, fine, then, you asked for it.

You can find several horror reviews over at my vile plaything that I call the groucho.org BBS, such as 28 Days Later, The Cube, The Eye, Ringu, Cube 2, Hell House (technically not horror but very scary all the same), Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, Donnie Darko, Dellamorte Dellamore, Audition, Frailty, Freeze Me and She-Creature, and that's just the first 3 of 15 pages.

As for Mallrats - I never debated that Jason Lee was the best thing in the movie. However, can he make up for the dismal rest of the movie? A guy staring at a 3D picture is not funny. Whiny girlfriends are not funny. Affleck is not funny. Stan Lee as a "special guest" is especially not funny. Hell, there's more comedy in the deleted opening scene from "Chasing Amy" (where Lee calls out the fanboys for playing one of those dumb card games) than in all of Mallrats.

Oh, and guess what - anyone taking comics seriously past the age of eight probably shouldn't be taken seriously, anyways. Hey, I've not talking out of turn here - I just recently read "Batman: The Long Halloween" as well as some other recent one with the Joker kidnapping Gordon and trying to make him insane. They're amusing, but geez, the storylines are pretty awful. I've got no problem with "grown-ups" killing some time reading a comic or even a "graphic novel" (what a misnomer), but for God's sake, don't take them seriously!

Smith is an attention whore. His movie DVDs feature staggering amounts of his fat face in the bonuses. Selling a 4-hour DVD of him talking to a college crowd is especially galling. Does anyone really need as much Kevin Smith content in their lives as he's trying to sell?

As for Unbreakable - oops. Did see that one, and it was pretty bad. Didn't see Signs, almost certainly won't. Mea culpa.

Lastly, OK, I'll pay for the comment. I'll buy you a burger/pizza/whatever next time you're in town. (But not a shitty "garbage plate.") Feel better?

Geez, the boy's got more ruffled feathers than a bald eagle in a blender.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

You're ragging on garbage plates now all of a sudden?

Hey, what are the odds you can overnight one to me? I'll pay you for shipping in advance.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

Jack Straw
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Post by Jack Straw »

It might actually taste better when it gets there.

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

It couldn't taste any worsHEY WATCH IT ICJ (SIGNED) THE ROCHESTER FOOD GODS

.s
.save
/s
/save
HEY HOW DO WE SAVE
/savemsg
SHIT
/qns
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

Roody_Yogurt
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Post by Roody_Yogurt »

Walrustitty:

First lemme say that I think it's funny that when you're not telling us to ignore some guy's review on the IMDB, you're pointing to its movie rankings like what a bunch of internet geeks think really matters.
"Good" movies rarely do well on the first weekend, but make their money over a long span - like The Matrix, Crouching Tiger, and I suppose Greek Wedding (not having seen it.) Those are successful because the people have heard enough positive word of mouth to build up their courage to see something that is different from the usual. (Well, not so much for The Matrix, but definitely for the other two.)


I find it hard to believe Crouching Tiger didn't do great on its opening people. When that movie came over, it had a buzz like no one's business. I remember that they first showed it at three movie theaters in the nation and they made a good deal of money. Ok, IMDB has it listed as $663,205 on 16 screens, so maybe my memory's just shot. In any case, $663,205 is pretty damn good for only 16 screens, I should think. This was well before there were any tv commercials and most people even knew about it.

Everyone: you are all wrong and I am right.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

Roody - welcome to the Wide World of Walrustitty.

While I'm here:
Oh, and guess what - anyone taking comics seriously past the age of eight probably shouldn't be taken seriously, anyways.
This quote is from a guy who has played a computer or console game every night of his life since he was 5.
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looper
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Post by looper »

Walrustitty,

as it seems you are the horror fan: Have you seen Jack Be Nimble?

looper
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Post by looper »

Oh right, one other thing Jethro:

although I agree that about 90% (95%? 99%?) of comic books published today leave something to be desired, I highly recommend Jar of Fools by Jason Lutes for the discriminating adult. *****

Base Monitor

Post by Base Monitor »

BEST BASE EVER.

n/t

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