Artemis Fowl (2020)

[Flack]

Having seen Artemis Fowl, I wasn't surprised to learn that it currently has a 10% approval rating on Rottem Tomatoes. If I was surprised by anything, it was that 10% of people who watched this film actually liked it.

VERY loosely based on the book series, Artemis Fowl (Jr.) is the world's smartest twelve-year-old, who happens to be the son of the world's most active collector of stolen artifacts. When dad (Artemis Fowl, Sr.) goes missing, it is up to junior to crack the case. Dad, it turns out, stole the "Aculos" (the most McGuffiny of McGuffins) from the fairy realm and has been kidnapped by a mysterious figure in an attempt to recover it. Before long, Fowl, along with his father's butler (whose last name is "Butler") have kidnapped a fairy and teamed up with a dwarf to take on the fairy army and a bunch of other CGI creatures.

I didn't care for one moment whether anyone in this film lived or died (I actually found myself rooting against them a few times). For being the world's smartest kid, young Artemis doesn't figure much out on his own. The only character who comes close to sacrificing anything does so in a room with a fairy with magical healing abilities, so I wouldn't start digging a burial plot just yet.

The second act of the film ends with the main characters giving each other high fives for fifteen minutes and shouting "we did it!" Just as I was ready for the third act to begin -- the one where the good guys take on the exposed spy and then the bad guy who kidnapped Artemis, Sr. -- the end credits began to roll. What?? I've heard of ending a film on a cliffhanger before, but typically you wrap up the first plot before launching into a bigger arc. This movie literally plays like two third through a two hour movie, Disney execs came along and said "this film too long byyyyyyyeeeeeeeee snip." With a 10% approval rating and (no doubt) facing a financial flop, I have to wonder if we'll get a second film, which would be nice so that we could learn how the first one was supposed to end.

If you have kids or grandkids in the single-digit age range that are too young for Harry Potter, this movie has some whiz-bang special effects and I'm sure they'll love all the fairies, trolls, centaurs, and other magical creatures. Anyone in their teens or older is going to have some serious questions about this film's plot.

[pinback]

It has a 36 on MRQE. I know, it's cool to say "I NEVER TRUST THE REVIEWS", but I mean, why are you paying money to watch a movie with a 36.

[Flack]

It's on Disney+.

Also the last DVD I bought was "Terrordactyl" out of a Big Lots bargain bin. A "36" looks pretty good in my world.

[Jizaboz]

You could say Artemis Fowl is..

*removes sunglasses 🕶 *

..FOUL.

“YeeeAahhhh!”

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

The author wrote an "official" sixth Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy book. I really wanted to go in with an open mind. I really was not going to be a hater. I was going to read the whole thing and give it a chance and ... it's bad. It's really, really bad. It's a guy going REMEMBER THAT TIME over and over again until I had to put it down. I guess there's two ways to write a Douglas Adams-inspired book, the first is to have funny digressions, fun dialogue, a plot that doesn't matter and a bunch of pot shots at things that you don't care for that might seem to come out of nowhere (like digital watches in HHGG). The other way to do it is to practically quote verbatim things from the 5 HHGG books that Adams did and that's what this guy did.

[AArdvark]

How can there be an official sixth book when the Vogons blew everyone up at the end of Mostly Harmless?

THE
GRUNTBUGGLY
AARDVARK

[Casual Observer]

Also the last DVD I bought was "Terrordactyl" out of a Big Lots bargain bin. A "36" looks pretty good in my world.

I will never again buy physical media, period. Tom Petty's ghost would have to ask me to buy a '33 time record box set signed with a dvd copy of Made In Heavem . Can't think of any other scenario. I already paid twice for everything i listened to growing up, fuckem.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

How can there be an official sixth book when the Vogons blew everyone up at the end of Mostly Harmless?

THE
GRUNTBUGGLY
AARDVARK

I remember that being the first scene. I think Artemis here has Zaphod save them.