Ouija Shark (2020)

[Flack]

Move over, Jaws! When a group of girls begin to play with a ouija board that washed up out of the ocean, they accidentally summon the spirit of a shark, whose ghost floats around town eating them one by one. Will they be able to defeat the shark's ghost before it gobbles all the bikini-wearing babes up? Mostly no, but fortunately one of the girls is related to a spiritual master, who takes on the shark in the afterlife.

I did not have high hopes going in to Ouija Shark, and in that aspect, it did not disappoint. The acting is terrible, the story is terrible, and the special effects, as they say, are not very special. It seems as if half of the (ahem) teenagers only read the script once, and the other half were seeing it for the first time on set. The pacing is terrible; it's like they stretched a 30 page script into a (mercifully-short) 80 minute film. The film opens with 2 1/2 minutes of credits, followed by a 7 minute scene in which a character goes to the beach by herself. We don't see a second person (or hear any real dialogue) until the 11 minute mark.

The two things that could have saved this movie -- topless chicks and a bit of fun gore -- are both missing. The closest we get to an R-rating is when one of the girls, while washing some random guy's car, sprays herself with a hose (in another way-too-long scene that does nothing for the story). And when the shark "kills" people, they simply disappear. If it weren't for the line "fuck you, fish face!" Ouija Shark could almost pull off a G-rating.

The film's climax is... anticlimactic. Imagine if the fight between Rocky and Clubber Lang ended after one punch. It's as if the filmmakers got tired of the movie around the 70 minute mark, and frankly, so did I. The best thing about this movie is the title. The second best thing about this movie is the premise. The third best thing about this movie is that it's short. This one's not bad in an enjoyable way -- it's just mostly bad.

[AArdvark]

Thank you for watching this. +10 respect points for actually getting all the way through it. I watched 30 seconds of the trailer with no sound and had to stop it. Sometimes you wonder how these movies get produced with such terrible terrible ideas.

THE
TAROT BIGFOOT
TIDAL WAVE OF DOOM
AARDVARK