Today I will rent the following.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 21, 2003 6:42 am

Solaris.
Magnolia.
Alien.
Aliens.

Just as soon as Blockbuster opens.

Violet · Post by **Violet** » Sat Jun 21, 2003 8:18 am

I just took Magnolia out of the library. I won't have a chance to watch it because I am out of town and the movie is at home. Hopefully I'll get the chance before it's over due.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 21, 2003 9:23 pm

Alien: Creepy 'nuff. I think I had seen sections of it before, but many, many years ago. Quick takes -- the name of the cat? OMG AWFUL!!! That one guy being a robot?!? Who writes stories like that????!!!!

Aliens is now up.

They didn't have Solaris and I couldn't find Magnolia. So those'll have to wait.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sun Jun 22, 2003 12:02 am

I'd like to review Aliens:

GOD DAMN THAT'S A FUCKING MOVIE.

Thank you! And g'nite!

bot · Post by **bot** » Sun Jun 22, 2003 6:20 am

I watched Punch-Drunk Love last night. And you know, the hell of the thing is - I liked it!

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 4:00 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Alien: Creepy 'nuff.

Alien? Your review of Alien was that it was "creepy 'nuff", and you didn't like the name of the cat?

You're telling me that that's your review. That's what you're telling me. In MY BASE, you're going to review Alien like that.

Alright, man. Just so I know where things stand.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 4:08 pm

pinback wrote:Alien? Your review of Alien was that it was "creepy 'nuff", and you didn't like the name of the cat?

Obviously me saying that I didn't like the name of the cat was a joke. Hey, I think there was another joke there, too. Let me see if I can find it -- oh! Yeah! The robot part!

Apparently, in this base, use of sarcasm will get some frumpy motherho to just freaking start in on you.

You're telling me that that's your review. That's what you're telling me. In MY BASE, you're going to review Alien like that. Alright, man. Just so I know where things stand.

Aliens was about a hundred, if not thousand, times better than Alien.

Alien: two and a half stars out of four.
Aliens: three and a half stars out of four. Maybe four out of four; I'd have to really think about it, though. Call it "three and three quarters" if you like.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 4:20 pm

Aliens was about a hundred, if not thousand, times better than Alien.

I am definitely committing suicide after this post. I was just kidding in the other post, but this time I'm serious.

Aliens was a thousand times better than Alien. I can't believe any rational human would act--

Ooooh, wait, sorry. I forgot. Chasing Amy and Mallrats are the two best movies ever. I forgot who I was talking to. No, hey man, you're right! Aliens was K()()()111!!!!!! I LIKED WHEN NOOT SAID THE ALIANS COME OUT AT NIGHT MOSTLY.

Alien: two and a half stars out of four.
Aliens: three and a half stars out of four. Maybe four out of four; I'd have to really think about it, though. Call it "three and three quarters" if you like.

The correct answer, for anyone who's actually interested in these movies, is that Aliens is, without question, a four star movie. The fact that ICJ is hesitating on that last star just proves how ridiculous he is. And Alien is one of the greatest films of ours or any other time.

ICJ approaches movies basically like an eight-year-old approaches them. He wants to see a fun story with people to root for, wants to see explosions, doesn't really want to be challenged in any way, because that challenge would largely go unnoticed anyway, and would certainly not be risen to in any case. He likes his movies like he likes his reading material. Cartoonish, and written for schoolchildren.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 4:40 pm

Where's the fucking challenge in Alien?

Give me a fucking break. I reviewed it after seeing it, complete, for the first time in 2003.

Bilbo Baggins there being revealed as a robot? Yeah, that was a great bit, I loved it in Knight Orc, Delusions, Blade Runner, and about a billion other stories that I'm too consumed with rage to remember right now.

The cat? Most annoying pet in any non-animated movie, ever. OOHS GO AND GET HIM JANITOR, OTHERWISE WE'LL PICK HIM UP ON THE SCANNER AGAIN OH NOES THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE, LET'S SPLIT UP LIKE THIS WAS "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" !!!! LOL!!!!

Wow! The alien was actually in the ship at the end! That's no doubt what you mean by challenging! Ha-ha! At least Aliens didn't TRY to pretend that they weren't going to go for one last scare at the end. Aliens didn't attempt to insult my fucking intelligence. Of course the fucking thing was in the ship -- Ripley re-traced her steps! But no, there is Fraud Scott trying to set the scene like the movie had just ended.

Fuck him, and fuck you for lapping it up.

"Challenging." "CHALLENGING!" Seriously, kill yourself and every other single person you've ever known. It's too late for them. Everyone you know must be taken out. Everyone in SoCal has gotta die. If only there were a, y'know, quote or something that expressed this sentiment perfectly. Oh! I got one! How about this:

Pinback, you're being so goddamned willfully stupid here that you and your entire state needs to be taken out. We'll have to nuke you from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Yeah, that'll do. I'd pick a line from Alien -- the film we were discussing -- and not it's far, far, FAR superior sequel not to prove a point or anything, but because THERE WAS SHIT DIALOGUE FROM START TO FINISH IN ALIEN.

Alien sucks, the crying bitch in that thing sucks, the black guy who wouldn't use his gun because the crying bitch was in his way sucked, the "special effect" of Mr Bilbo Jack Sweet Vito Cornelius the Ripper Hereafter's head being a robot head and grinning at the end of its interrogation scene sucks, the fact that the alien was somehow able to bypass/break Kane's helmet and get attached to him and keep him alive, even though in doing so he'd be FUCKING DEAD due to the fact that there was no oxygen in the atmosphere of the planet that they were on, and therefore no way for the alien to FEED him oxygen from the time it took them to reel him up and get him into the airlock sucks, and you suck for falling in love with this movie instead of seeing it as the barely-passable sack of shit that it truly, and really, is.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 4:47 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Bilbo Baggins there being revealed as a robot? Yeah, that was a great bit, I loved it in Knight Orc, Delusions, Blade Runner, and about a billion other stories that I'm too consumed with rage to remember right now.

Did you love it in anything that was created *before* Alien? Just curious.

Fuck him, and fuck you for lapping it up.

How can you turn on Alien in a dark room, with the speakers way the hell up, and actually WATCH it, actually experience that movie, and not just have your ass kicked? STORY devices are not the only thing that can challenge, you simpering man-child. *FILMMAKING* is itself an art, and requires at least SOME attention from the viewer to perceive it. Movies are more than storytelling devices, just as paintings are more than just a way to recreate a scene.

THERE WAS SHIT DIALOGUE FROM START TO FINISH IN ALIEN.

"Finger." - Ash. That's a great line. You suck.

no way for the alien to FEED him oxygen from the blah blah blah I am mr super-scientists cuz I red a comic book about space guys once and this totally was unrelaistic omfg

Congratulations, Mr. Wizard.

instead of seeing it as the barely-passable sack of shit that it truly, and really, is.

I'm not the one you're embarassing here.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 5:18 pm

pinback wrote:
no way for the alien to FEED him oxygen from the blah blah blah I am mr super-scientists cuz I red a comic book about space guys once and this totally was unrelaistic omfg
Congratulations, Mr. Wizard.

There is a line of (bad) dialogue that states that the planet's atmosphere is comprised of nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and a gas I can't currently recall. There was no oxygen.

Ash later proposes that the alien was keeping Kane alive by -- and I quote -- "feeding him oxygen."

Furthermore, it's far superior sequel has the captain of Red Dwarf on this world with an atmospheric generator. The gas it's generating? That would be, ah, oxygen.

So Kane is getting his oxygen from the alien. Spiffy! Fantastic! Kew1!! It makes sense for it to want to keep him alive.

However, I do not buy that this alien creature, that just happens to have been born on a world with no oxygen, just happens to have a supply of it available in a sac somewhere and it just happens to know that its host -- that it and its line would have never encountered before -- will require it and it just happens to give it oxygen.

Did I mention that there was no oxygen on that world? I did? Excellent.

Oh, I know! I know just what happened.

o The alien jumped onto Kane's helmet.

o Kane said, "OMG!!" and Dallas and the whining bitch hoisted him back up.

o They all had a good chuckle at the alien trying to get through his helmet. LOL, DUMB ALEIN!!!

o They got to the airlock.

o Right at that moment, the alien (which was no doubt familiar with the concept of the airlock, as it had no doubt encountered them previously, even though it had just hatched mere moments before) decided, hey, I ain't fucking around here anymore, breaks the helmet and attaches itself to Kane's face.

I can see why they wouldn't have wanted to show that. It was probably a deleted scene. Granted, I grabbed the 20th Anniversary DVD of this film, and there was no such deleted scene, but still. This movie is "challenging!"

Yeah.

Challenging like a fucking dump in the pants.

Fuck, Parrish -- did you even watch this movie?

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 5:25 pm

By the way, this:

pinback wrote:ICJ approaches movies basically like an eight-year-old approaches them. He wants to see a fun story with people to root for, wants to see explosions, doesn't really want to be challenged in any way, because that challenge would largely go unnoticed anyway, and would certainly not be risen to in any case. He likes his movies like he likes his reading material. Cartoonish, and written for schoolchildren.

Yeah, that? That's the most offensive statement to ever come out of the maw of lies you've got wriggling around on that face of yours. You'll pay in spades for that one, you sonuvabitch.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 6:30 pm

I just don't want to fight anymore.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 8:28 pm

Just admit that I am right and you won't have to.

Here, I'll even type it out. All you have to do is quote it.

"I, pinback, do hereby declare that Jonsey makes some fantastic points with Alien, has done his research, has defended his opinions and beliefs with furor, and is a devilishly handsome and charismatic individual who I would be slobbering all over if I bent that way, only I don't. "

There you go, buddy.

And hey -- we'll always have Aliens.

Shark · Post by **Shark** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 8:35 pm

Shark · Post by **Shark** » Mon Jun 23, 2003 8:36 pm

[swirls]

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Mon Jun 30, 2003 12:17 pm

Going to dredge up some old stuff here.

Jonsey - you'd never seen "Aliens" before? Really?

Stunning. I am, in a word, stunned.

No wonder you like Mallrats, when you didn't realize that movies like "Aliens" existed.

(Geez, I really ought to set you down and make you watch some of the classics. I can't believe that you never saw it. Did you never see Terminator 2, either? I know you saw Jurassic Park, but only because I was there with you - otherwise, I'd assume that you must have missed that, too.)

(Err, not that those are truly classics. Perhaps I should say, "the standards" - worth seeing, at least.)

(How about this - seen "Jaws"?)

The biggest question - what format did you watch this in? VHS or DVD?

Besides the obvious and numerous benefits that all DVDs have, the "Aliens" DVD sports the director's cut, which does add nicely to the plot and fleshes out some scenes.

Oh, and Pinback = FAG.

Aliens was as much or more innovative that Alien, being probably the first modern terror thrill-ride movies, with sustained, high-energy sequences that are both pure action and pure horror. Back when it first came out, Ebert wrote that he didn't even know if he liked it or not, but he felt like he'd been through a wringer by the time it was over. Plus, Alien was handicapped by a painfully obvious man-in-suit monster. Great movie? Probably. Better than Aliens? Geez, you might as well as if Naked Gun is better than Die Hard - they're completely different movies. Aliens is certainly more rewatchable, though.

One last thing - Pinback = FAG.

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Mon Jun 30, 2003 12:22 pm

Glancing back, it looks like you probably saw the DVDs. Solid.

However, you must have missed the whole point of the crashed spaceship with the alien eggs in it. Like Ripley says in Aliens, they're not indigineous, so they were not born on that planet, RU-486, or whatever it was called.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Jun 30, 2003 12:31 pm

Er... that Pinbaclk = fegroit comment would carry a lot more weight if he wasn't fucking his brains out every other day, currently.

Fucking his brains out with a woman, I might even add.

I did catch it on DVD. I possess no way to play VHS tapes currently (well, Mike's TV can do it, but it's buried in his room somewhere).

I hear you on how the alien species were not native to the planet -- but they were native to one with a nitrogen-based atmosphere, apparently, seeing how they had no problem gestating on one. (I would presume that they are able to survive on both the spacecraft in Alien and the terraformed world in Aliens due to the fact that both the air in the ship and on the planet probably has nitrogen in 78% quantities.)

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Jun 30, 2003 12:31 pm

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:the "Aliens" DVD sports the director's cut, which does add nicely to the plot and fleshes out some scenes.

The "Special Edition" you speak of SERIOUSLY hurts the movie, in my opinion. Seriously. Most of the added scenes are painful to watch at worst, and disrupt the pacing of the movie at best. Aliens (the original version) had near-perfect pacing and buildup, so much so that you almost needed a break to collect yourself about halfway through. Now, with all that extra Newt garbage and Ripley's daughter garbage, it's seriously damaged.

The sentry guns are the only moderately passable addition, but again, totally unnecessary.

Hopefully they will release the ORIGINAL version on DVD, and I can throw this Special Edition abomination out the window.

Oh, and Pinback = FAG.

That's not what your mother said. What she DID say, though was, "Pinback, I want you to cum in my mouth. And I'm sorry my son is such a retard."