ICJ's Stolen Green Chile Recipe

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

"Stolen!" -- Mike Martin, The Mike Martin Travel Agency

We will look back upon these days, where I pirated the new Third Eye Blind album and cooked up green chiles, and we will weep. We will weep for two reasons, both of which I'll bet you can surmise when taking into account that I'm a pussy when it comes to music and a pussy when it comes to hot foods.

I'm posting this stolen recipe in the hopes that Bejamin "Pinback" Parrish will add to it, tell me what I did wrong, and basically help me improve my life to the point where I've got more going on at nights than spending it over an unwashed tin pot.


INGREDIENTS YOU WILL NEED
-------------------------------

1 handful of medium-heat, Big Jim's New Mexican hatch green chiles.
1 unraveled discount chicken thigh
1 quarter cup of flour, intentionally listed this way in the hopes that you'll mess up and use a whole cup
A sufficient quantity of chicken broth
1 ounce of 240 Californium
1 Apple iPhone
1 bouillon cube
$100 in gold bullion

PRE-PROCESSING
------------------

I don't live in New Mexico right now because the county assessor took a look at the fact that my home had been ravaged by a 30 pound raccoon, homeless veteran and pair of thrown eggs and docked me - me! - a cooool thirty-thousand dollars. I don't think I've made payments that total that, even before interest gets involved. Ergo, you're going to have to get some Hatch green chiles. I... well, confession time, I don't know why they're called that. That, specifically, I mean. In other words, much like the new Battlestar Galactica, I have no idea what Hatch is fucking doing there.

We got ours in Parker, Colorado, although it was later confirmed that I have passed a Hatch dealer on my way to work every day for the past... well, I wasn't working for all of it, so who knows. This could be that elusive third case for the Snooper Troops.

The Hatch Guy we had was a family man from New Mexico. His wife and young son were with him, and he told us what a standard grill will put out, in terms of BTUs. I thought he was talking about the chiles themselves, so when he said, "150,000 BTUs" I was like, "well, this is fine, then - I'll have food, one atom at a time, for the rest of my life." When he later expanded his narrative to let me know he was talking about his gas grills, it made more sense. He had three grills. Three grills with which to roast the chiles.

It only took a few minutes for the chiles to be ready. We had alloted a half hour. He told his kid to get an old garbage pail, and he guided the chiles into it.

We gave the chiles an hour to cool. I left them in my car to make my car smell like roasted green chiles. I don't have a lot of people in my car, and I have now eliminated any that don't find green roasted chiles to be one of the finest of all scents. I will harpoon one and throw it around my rear window like an air freshener tomorrow.

The chicken thighs need to come from the Safeway Discount Chicken bin. Thaw them using the "Auto Defrost" command on your 120volt-Compatible Microwave.

Take the 240 Californium and knock it roughly against the kitchen table. This will begin the decomposition countdown. You need to get the chicken thighs to your outdoors gas grill before the Californium weighs one-half ounce. Any more time, and the chicken thighs will go totally off and smell bad and make you sick. Adjusting for the natural half-life of Californium 240, you have just over one minute. Happy hunting!

Set your Apple iPhone's timer for seven (7) minutes.

Lastly, shuck the chiles. Hopefully, the skin will be burned and slide right off, but your mileage may vary. Additionally, leave all the seeds in, there's no downside here.

COOKING THE GODDAMN THING
---------------------------------
- Throw the chicken broth in the pot. Heat to taste.
- Throw the chiles in the pot, with the chicken broth.
- Throw the bouillon cube in the pot. You're mainly doing this to get rid of the bouillion cubes from your home.
- When your phone's timer goes off, relax... Turn the timer off and let the entire memory fade from your short-term memory... ahhhh.... ahhh yes....
- Mix in the quantity of flour you got for yourself. Don't look or scroll up! Use your memory here, no cheating!
- If you used one-half cup of flour, turn to page 72.
- If you used one entire cup of flour, you have died in the desert! End of session.
- Stir the flour into the broth/cube/chile mixture. Add a little more heat to the stove! You deserve it.
- The mixture will start to bubble and get the fuck over everything, like the toaster, the sink and the George Foreman gr-- oh shit!
- Run outside and retrieve the chicken thighs from the gas grill. Grit your teeth over the fact that half the chicken has stuck to the grill itself.
- Throw the chicken thighs into the mixture. Stir vigorously. Cover.

- Wait until you can't bear it any longer, and throw it all into a secondary container. (It will otherwise stick to the pot, and you'll need that pot to make more of this crap.)

- Taste! Regret the fact that you didn't take enough seeds out. You'll regret it more when you break your fast on it tomorrow, and then extra-more when it travels through your system. Don't be a pussy, tho. Leave the seeds in.

- Realize that you followed a recipe from Robb Sherwin of all people, break off half the gold bullion and get yourself two large cheese pizzas from the local pizza guy. Tip well.

[pinback]

You're all failing in it!

[pinback]

Also, I thought that was a reasonable recipe. I'd like to see something from the garlic family in there somewhere, maybe even a little powder.

I'd like to see some salt in there.

I dunno if I'd like to see a little less flour in there, but I dunno what consistency you like it.

Other than that, looks like a fine recipe. Might wanna take a few of them seeds out.

[Flack]

Tonight for dinner my wife made "dog food cooked in a green pepper". That's probably not what it was literally, but that's sure what it looked like. When I suggested that's what it looked like it was suggested to me to get up and cook my own dinner. In other news, the dog food in a green pepper was very tasty.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I'm gonna make this this week.

[Tdarcos]

help me improve my life to the point where I've got more going on at nights than spending it over an unwashed tin pot.

Well, that explains why you've been a tin pot dictator.

INGREDIENTS YOU WILL NEED
------------------------------
1 ounce of 240 Californium-

I saw this and I wasn't sure, I thought it was some new product using a ridiculous name, but instead, you were being ridiculous. 240 californium—the name is not capitalized just like mercury, the metal, is not capitalized while Mercury, the planet, is—is an artificial element, laboratory created, usually in microscopic quantities, and to create an ounce of it, if that's even possible, would probably cost over ten million dollars.

1 Apple iPhone

Will it degrade the recipe if they use an Android phone or tablet?

1 bouillon cube
$100 in gold bullion

I was going to say, after the bouillon cube a cube of bullion would make it richer, but you beat me to it. But at today's prices, $100 in gold bullion is about the size of two grains of rice.

The thing that bugs me is, about 5-6 months ago, I suggested to my brother (and sister) that he take a small piece of his 401K, and buy about $20,000 in gold coins because of two things: (1) presuming he buys them for retirement, in 15 years they'd be worth $200,000 based on historical trends; (2) If it''s done as a Roth IRA, the gains are tax free. Back then, gold was $1,300/ounce, meaning now that $20,000 would be worth $26,154. She said her financial advisor said (then) that gold was not a good investment, so they passed. I'd say now, fire the guy and get someone competent.

I don't live in New Mexico right now because the county assessor took a look at the fact that my home had been ravaged by a 30 pound raccoon, homeless veteran and pair of thrown eggs and docked me - me! - a cooool thirty-thousand dollars.

I'm not sure if you mean the Assessor hit you for a $30,000 unpaid tax bill, reduced the value of your home by $30,000 (what I think you mean) or increased its value by $30,000, increasing its taxes.

It depends what you mean by 'docked' because in the sense you're using, it would imply "reduced," as in "I was six minutes late to work so the boss docked me an hour."

If your home's value was decreased, even if you're underwater (your remaining mortgage exceeds house value) as long as you can afford the payments and are not using the house as an ATM (constantly taking money out of its presumed value) it doesn't matter.

If you feel the assessment is too high, you can appeal; if comparable houses in the area are not being sold for the new appraisal you should be able to get it reduced.

Ergo, you're going to have to get some Hatch green chiles. I... well, confession time, I don't know why they're called that. That, specifically, I mean. In other words, much like the new Battlestar Galactica, I have no idea what Hatch is fucking doing there.

1. Hatch is the brand, like "Chiquita bananas" or "Eatwell jack mackerel" or (fictional) "Starbuck's New England clam chowder" and "Goldman's New York clam chowder."
2. Hatch is he person who discovered, bred, or were named for them, the way all American retail bananas are Cavendish bananas, cloned from the original stock named for William Cavendish, 6th Duke of Devonshire.

The Hatch Guy we had was a family man from New Mexico. His wife and young son were with him, and he told us what a standard grill will put out, in terms of BTUs. I thought he was talking about the chiles themselves, so when he said, "150,000 BTUs" I was like, "well, this is fine, then - I'll have food, one atom at a time, for the rest of my life."

Quit drinking so much before dinner; it's messing up your brain and turning it to mush. I don't even eat hot food and I know that the heat level of chiles is rated exclusively in Scoville units.

BTUs are not a measure of heat, they are a measure of energy. You can have a 50,000 BTU air conditioner or a 50,000 BTU heater. A candle produces about 1,000 BTUs an hour. A BTU is the amount of energy needed to heat - or cool - one pound of water by 1 degree F.

[pinback]

You just replied to an eleven-year-old post, Paul.

Oh, and by the way...

Hatch is the brand, like "Chiquita bananas"

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[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I saw this and I wasn't sure, I thought it was some new product using a ridiculous name, but instead, you were being ridiculous. 240 californium—the name is not capitalized just like mercury, the metal, is not capitalized while Mercury, the planet, is—is an artificial element, laboratory created, usually in microscopic quantities, and to create an ounce of it, if that's even possible, would probably cost over ten million dollars.

What do you mean? Carbon is capitalized.

[Billy Mays]

A BTU is the amount of energy needed to heat - or cool - one pound of water by 1 degree F.

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