| MAIN
Q*bert (c)1982.
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Q*BERT developed by Gottlieb distributed by Gottlieb |
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 A few of the boys have come out to play. You'd think they'd be a tad
tougher if they weren't clad in a shade of pink so flamey that Brady Anderson would
say it's overdoing it.
That brings us to another point -- Slick wasn't the only high-profile video game star of the eighties engaging in deviant seuxal activity. Who can forget these scandals?
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"Q*Bert
fucking sucks. I do *NOT* understand your obsession with it. What a terrible game!
Although it is emulated very well, complete with the sounds, it's still a terrible
game." -- Jeff Kyle, May 1st, 1997 This review is adapted from a message I wrote on Jolt Country: The Great On-Line Empire in May of 1997. And here is why Q*bert is the greatest arcade game ever made:1) You are thrown into a limited environment with a clear goal and no means of escape or avoidance. We're not sure why Q*bert has to change the colors of these cubes, but he does and there is a damn snake who is going to destroy him if he doesn't succeed. This obviously has a great deal of religious symbolism. Q*bert, who represents Adam, is thrown into this world without any explanation. Q*bert's goal is to change the cubes. Adam's was to "multiply". Both are arbitrary, but both MUST be done. And in the middle of it all is a snake who represents Satan. Furthermore, the game is setup on a background of complete empty black space, in which the cube seems to be the only thing created in it, much like how Adam was told the earth was. Why is Q*bert here? Well, I ask you -- why are we here? 2) The atmosphere of the game can not be matched. The designers created their rules, and then made creatures which exploited those rules to stop Q*bert. It's a cube setup, let's throw monsters going sideways (Ugg and Wrong Way). He has to change the colors, let's throw some pests that change 'em back (Slick and Sam). Furthermore, let's let Q*bert stop time (green ball). And finally, there is just the random red ball which falls and kills, but does not hunt. Q*bert's only means to foil Coily are the discs which whisk him away to the top of the screen (closer to God, natch) and cause Coily to jump off to his death. Thus another important religious message: faith in God will overcome evil. 3) When Q*bert gets "killed," he swears in the language of cartoons. How cool is that? 4) It can become very Zen-like when you're playing on a higher level. It's the closest thing to a mix of realtime and turnbased game that there has ever been -- every character on the screen gets a "turn," sort of... there is a bit of time after moving where you can't move again. But it's pulled off so flawlessly that you need that time for putting together a strategy. 5) Finally, on anything past level four you really have to be thinking constantly of where you are headed and what your plan is, or else you will simply be your own worst enemy by ruining your own cubes. It becomes very intense the further up you go. Q*bert has it all. In a perfect world, the release of Q*bert causes mass rioting and anarchy as the populace has no idea what to make of it. Hell. And if that's not enough, I nailed the high score on a machine in Florida when my family and I went to Disney.
SUMMARY: A+. Spiritual representatives from both good and evil give their revered kiss to this deceptively meaningful game
-- Robb Sherwin May 2nd, 1997 |
That damnable bastard Slick just started to wipe out
my freshly-colored pyramid! And the worst part is, you just know that Slick
is sticking it to Ms. Pac Man behind Pac's back. 
Wacko
& Olive Oyl. She wasn't the one eating spinach, but that doesn't mean something green
and slimy wasn't going down her throat. 
Of course you remember when Dig Dug had the Damsel
and Princess Toadstool bent over in the garden. Ah, I believe the princess is the one
going down. 
I really don't want to know the specifics of the bizarre
hijinks that were going on with these guys. All I know is that the dragon was breathing
fire, the Food Fight guy's mouth could take the Colossus of Rhodes' willy, and the Ghost
and Goblins dude was prancing around in his underwear.