Foods I Could Eat Every Day: #5 & #6

FOOD I COULD EAT EVERY DAY #5: The CHEESE PIZZA

Okay? And let’s be clear about this. We are talking about thin-crust, NY-style, floppy, foldy cheese pizza. Any other kind would be too heavy to have every day! And I am not the only person in the world to think that “toppings” do nothing but separate a pizza from the pure oozing goodness which is the CHEESE PIZZA. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again:

I just want to try the CHEESE PIZZA!!

Despite it’s reputation, it’s about as close to health food as a pizza can get. Look! All you’re getting is a thin layer of chewy crust, topped with an even thinner layer of tangy tomato sauce, topped with an ever more thinner layer of creamy, rich mozzarella cheese! Bread? Tomatoes? Cheese? These are healthy ingredients! And the thin, floppy nature ensures that you’re not going to overload on it, while still getting a burst of wonderfully chewy tanginess with every bite!

Holy crap! I could try the CHEESE PIZZA every single day, yes I could!

FOOD I COULD EAT EVERY DAY #6: Cincinnati 3-Way

If you go to http://gametunnel.com and look at their “Game of the Year” awards for the past several years, you’ll notice that at least 95% of the reviews of the “Games of the Year” begin with this phrase: “This is a game that shouldn’t work.”

So I am proud and happy to lift this twee little opening when I say…

This is a food that shouldn’t work! It is three mediocre ingredients lopped onto a plate, optionally topped with another mediocre ingredient, and yet, like all of the organs of a cat — disgusting and useless when separate — they come together to form something wonderful: a cat!

Or, dinner!

Let’s go through the creation and eating of a Cincinnati 3-Way, surely the heaviest item on this list, but with just enough addictive draw to make it edible every single day!

What ya do, see, is this! Now, if you live in Cincinnati, you don’t do it, the cook at the Skyline or Gold Star chili parlor you happen to be at will do it. But you can also do it at home!

First you take plain old overcooked spaghetti (blow right past “al dente” and straight into “grandma’s dentures”) and place some of it on an OVAL PLATE. It has to be oval!

Then layer on some CINCINNATI CHILI. This is a unique bird among chilis, in that it’s just barely a chili, and more of a sauce. Flavored with cocoa and cinnamon instead of onions and chiles, it has no heat to it, and the strangest mix of spices and sweetness that you’ll ever find. And where “normal” chili is chunky, beefy goodness, Cincinnati chili is a watery, soupy mess! Good God! Anyway, pour a bunch of it up top the spaghetti! You can order it online at http://skyline.com, and it’s just as good from the can.

Then, finally, top the entire thing with an enormous cloud of finely grated MILD CHEDDAR CHEESE. I just want to try the MILD CHEDDAR CHEESE!

Now it’s time to EAT, and we do this by turning the oval plate lengthwise on the table in front of us! Then take your fork, and starting from one end to the other, you just go at it! Don’t be twirling the damn spaghetti or any of that, you’re trying to cut through the entire mess so every bite has spaghetti, chili, and cheese in it, layered like on the plate!

Traditionally, you’ll also top the whole mess with some oyster crackers, to add some texture to the whole mushy godawful wad of slop!

Anyhow, it’s fantastic, the best and possibly only reason to visit Cincinnati, and I could just pound it down every stupid day of my life.