This Mockery of a PGA Season Can Finally Be Over

Here we are, the week of the year’s last “major”, and hopefully the last “major” that Tiger will miss. YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT I AM QUOTING “MAJOR” IN THESE THREADS BECAUSE WITHOUT TIGER IT IS RIDICULOUS TO CALL IT THAT, RIGHT? Sweet.

This is the last chance anyone will have to challenge Tiger’s claim to the PGA Player of the Year award, which will be the most amazing award ever since he only played in six tournaments, about ten fewer than any of the closest competitors.

The only way this week would NOT decide the Player of the Year is if someone managed to win all four “playoff” events leading to the FedEx Cup, but I seriously doubt even that would do it, because as much as commissioner Tim Finchem wants us to believe the FedEx Cup and the “playoffs” are really important, all of the players, and most golf fans realize it’s a joke. A joke! A lame joke at that! So, barring some ridiculous run of success in the playoffs, accompanied by some even more ridiculous political voting, this last “major” is the last real threat to Tiger’s taking of the award.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at the remaining challengers, and their chances at taking down the MAN:

Anthony Kim (2 wins, 0 majors) — After looking like the Next Tiger Woods for a stretch of a month or so, the last couple weeks have seen him choke away a win in the Canadian Open, and being a non-factor at the Firestone. To win the award, he would have to win the PGA, and add at least one more regular Tour victory to his record. Are the last couple of weeks just a blip on the radar, or is he maybe not the straight-to-the-top wunderkind we’ve (excluding the author) all been waiting for since Tiger came on the scene 12 years ago? We’ll find out. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-HIGH

Phil Mickelson (2 wins, 0 majors) — After at least two months of playing like crap, he was poised to win the Firestone this week, when he gagged over the last four holes and finished two shots back. He’s ranked as the #2 player in the world, but it’s hard to think he’ll remain that way for much longer until he turns his game around. That being said, he’s always a threat, and he’ll probably win at least one more regular event this year, so if he wins the PGA this week, it’s almost a done deal. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH (ALSO: FUCK YOU LEFTY)

Vijay Singh (1 win, 0 majors) — After not having won since early last year, he finally got his putter to work this week, and won. They’ve been saying all year, he’s hitting the ball great, but just can’t putt. If he can putt, he’s still a huge threat. That being said, even if he won this week, he’d have to win at least two more events to be in the hunt. One win in 1.5 years makes three in the next month or two seem unlikely. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Trevor Immelman (1 win, 1 major) — If he wins this week, he wins the award. That being said, since his absurd Masters win, he hasn’t done anything anywhere. He is the captain of the Blown His Wad Squad. THREAT LEVEL: EXTREMELY LOW

Padraig Harrington (1 win, 1 major) — Same deal as Trevvie, except Paddy can actually play. Won the British, but that’s a completely different style of golf than they play on Tour the rest of the year, so a win there doesn’t mean it will translate. Still, he is a two-time major winner, which means he’s got the game to pull it off. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Kenny Perry (3 wins, 0 majors) — Another in the “win and you’re in” club for this week. But he skipped the last major, and his 3 wins came in relatively weak, non-Tiger fields, so they’re less impressive than they look. That said, still having a heck of a year, and anything can happen. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-LOW

Okay? That’s it. As long as none of these guys wins, Tiger’s got it in the bag. Let’s all root against them!! BOOOOO!!!!