Caveats to this analysis include the fact that all I’ve seen is the scores going up and down all day, haven’t seen any of it, and also several of the players are not quite done, but I sure as fuck am not going to wait until every last loser is in the clubhouse before I come with some ANALYSIS.
As always, this analysis is concerned solely with how the events of the day affect Tiger Woods and his chances (however slim) of winning. Which as I’ve already said, he won’t do. With that in mind, let’s get to the ANALYSIS.
ANALYSIS SUMMARY
When Tiger began the day with a double-bogey, it seemed certain that this was just going to be a lost tournament. However, when he battled back with three birdies to get into a tie for sixth, the miraculous seemed possible. Then he got his second double-bogey of the day, fell back, and things seemed less rosy.
As it stands now, he is at +1, tied for 24th. However, that sounds worse than it is, because there are only two players currently better than -2, meaning that he is within 3 of anyone with a serious shot at the thing. He will certainly clean his round up as the week goes on, and if those doubles had just been regular bogeys, he’d be tied for 9th right now, right there with the leaders.
So, in truth, I have to say that this is just about, or in fact maybe even a little better than, right where I expected him to be. There is plenty of hope, leading into round 2.
Now let’s do some in-depth analysis of the competitors, and the threat level they present to Mr. Woods. As always, for the purposes of this analysis, we’re going to dispense with anyone behind him, because even with a knee injury, nobody is going to overtake the MAN.
LEADER: Kevin Streelman (-4): …BAAAHhahahaa!! KEVIN STREELMAN?! WHO?!?! I join the rest of the golf community, as well as Kevin Streelman’s family, when I say, “Who the hell is Kevin Streelman??!” THREAT LEVEL: HAhahaha. Oh, and in between the time I started talking about Kevin Streelman and stopped, he bogeyed his last hole, so now he’s down to -3.
CO-LEADER: Justin Hicks (-3): JUSTIN HICKS!! I think they are making these names up. There is no such person as “Kevin Streelman”, and there definitely is no such person as “Justin Hicks”. THREAT LEVEL: N/A (made up person)
The following golfers are currently at -2:
Rocco Mediate: Reasonably well-known middle-of-the-roader. Has never, and will never, win a major. THREAT LEVEL: LOW
Stuart Appleby: Staunch competitor, but every time he sees a limo it reminds him that his wife got run over by one, which affects his emotional stability. THREAT LEVEL: LOW
Eric Axley: More like Eric Neverheardofley!! THREAT LEVEL: NONE
Ernie Els: Multiple major winner, one of the best of the generation. There’s no way around this one, except to say: THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
Geoff Ogilvy: Major winner, not quite elite, but worthy of respect. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-HIGH
Ross Fisher: Probably a close friend of Kevin Streelman and Justin Hicks. THREAT LEVEL: WHO?
Rickie Fowler: Fowler? I hardly know ‘er! (Or him!) THREAT LEVEL: NONE
The following golfers are at -1:
Robert Karlsson: His name is Robert Karlsson. His name is Robert Karlsson. THREAT LEVEL: NONE
Lee Westwood: Had a nice stretch there in the late 90s or early 2000s. Had a nice round today. That’ll be just about it for him. THREAT LEVEL: LOW
Robert Allenby: Another consistent middle-of-the-roader. Could this be his week to stand out? Sure! Probably not, though. THREAT LEVEL: LOW
The following golfers are at EVEN:
Patrick Sheehan: Seen his name plenty of times. Never at the top of the leaderboard. THREAT LEVEL: NONE
Joe Ogilvie: One “Ogilvy” is quite enough, and Joe ain’t the good one. THREAT LEVEL: NONE
Phil Mickelson: FUCK YOU LEFTY. THREAT LEVEL: VERY HIGH
Vijay Singh: FUCK YOU VIJAY. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
Carl Petersson: I have no idea. I’m sick of all these guys with two “s”es in their last names, though. THREAT LEVEL: LOW
Andres Romero: Hey, this is one of those no-names from the Masters thread, isn’t it? How’d he do in that one, I forget? THREAT LEVEL: NONE
Luke Donald: Keeps threatening to break through and fulfill his potential. Keeps not doing it. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM
John Merrick: Two “r”s is better than two “s”es, but I still ain’t heard of him. THREAT LEVEL: NONE
There are a million guys at +1, so to speed things along, I’ll just group them by threat levels:
+1 THREAT LEVEL HIGH
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Stewart Cink
+1 THREAT LEVEL MEDIUM
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None
+1 THREAT LEVEL LOW
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David Toms
Davis Love III
J.B. Holmes
Camilo Villegas
Woody Austin
Hunter Mahan
Scott Verplank
+1 THREAT LEVEL SUCK
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Kyle Stanley
D.J. Trahan
Casey Wittenberg
Dustin Johnson (sounds like a euphemism for masturbating)
Oliver Wilson
Jon Mills
Ian Leggatt
NOTE: Since not all of the players are done, this thread may be slightly erroneous by the time you read it. If this is the case, I blame you, not me.
SEE YOU AFTER NO-STRESS ROUND 2!
Ice Cream Jonsey 
Rob O'Hara