Pete Rose

by Mike Sherwin

OH THE IRONY!

 While checking out ESPN.com this morning I happened upon two nuggets that spawned additional nuggets of inspiration in my loins. Before I get down to business though I must reiterate the chore it is of reading ESPN.com these days.

Upon entering this site you are bombarded by site headlines that have nothing to do with sports it reads more like STAR magazine. Paris Hilton, Britney etc.. they’re all there. The humor isn’t. Now they’ve introduced ESPN DEPORTEES! ESPN full time in Spanish, which is great because Mexicans suck at all sports except Soccer and Jai-Ali. This is a horrible idea for ESPN, hopping on the Latin Explosion 5 years after the fact. I’m guessing Hispanics hate pretentious bastards like John Anderson (he takes this as an opportunity to be an even more annoying fuck by repeatedly shouting the two Spanish words everyone knows over and over Ola and GOOOOOAAAAALLL) as well, so this Alternative ESPN network is doomed. Oh by the way, if you don’t think Mexicans are bad as baseball check out this little factoid: Compile your all time Mexican team, here’s what I could come up with...

Best pitchers Fernando Valenzuela, after that its Teddy fucking Higuera. Put those two together in their primes and it ain't exactly the 2001 Diamondbacks.

Best Hitters Based purely on HRS they are Vinny "Coors Field" Castilla whose bloated numbers are a result of the best hitters park of all-time, and Jorge Orta. LET’S PUMP IT UP MEXICO, THE MARINERS NEED A 3^RD BASEMAN WHO CAN HIT 20 BOMBS.!!

On to the real business. First thing that caught my eye this morning John McEnroe on steroids. WTF? Yeah... I can see the rage but this guy had the build of a high school guidance counselor. If were looking for a deterrent for performance enhancing drugs I’m printing pictures of this pot bellied, earring-wearing bald fuck. The best part is, nobody should really give a shit. I mean what impact does this have on Male Tennis. I can picture stuffy tennis commentary guy spouting "Uh I bet Mats Wilder and Yannick Noah are just pissed" They should be, the lost to this skinny whiney loser and to add insult to infamy he got over with performance enhancing drugs… in TENNIS.

The second thing that caught my eye this morning was the outcry of the baseball Veterans committee against Pete Rose.. Don’t get me wrong. Pete Rose is a piece of shit. I wouldn’t "loan" that guy toilet paper. But when such honorable men as Gaylord Perry think the guy is a creep I say "SLOW DOWN". Gaylord Perry. Yeah Gaylord "spitball" Perry. He won 300 plus games by CHEATING.

"There are people I've bumped into who say, 'There are wife beaters and drunks (in Cooperstown),' " Don Sutton said (me speaking- lose the perm bitch). "Yes, but that's not the issue. The issue is gambling. You can throw all kinds of stuff against the wall. Are there people in the Hall of Fame who've led less than Billy Graham lives? Heck, yes. But that's not the issue."

Perry, who has admitted to throwing a Vaseline ball in the big leagues, said Rose's transgression is far worse, because it threatened the integrity of the entire game.

"Every year before the season, your general manager would give a talk from the commissioner about certain things," Perry said. "Gambling was one of them. When Pete was a manager, he had to be laughing when the general manager said, 'You can't gamble.' He just gambled right from his office."

"People talk about corked bat and spitballs, but that's nothing compared to what he did. It's like a bunt to 10 grand slams."

Shut the fuck up old man. Think of how many guys YOU screwed over because you threw a ball that looks like is spent the night in Jenna Jameson’s ass. I’m sure Shoeless Joe Jackson is just rolling in his grave over Pete’s possibly being let in as well. Jackson’s corpse was quoted as saying, "Yeah I tanked a World Series but it’s not the same thing, I mean fans showed up in games wearing suits and derbies back then and Negroes had to wear earmuffs and eye patches to prevent them from seeing or even LISTENING to games".

You know who else can shut the fuck up. Whitey Ford. Yeah Whitey you’re real honorable as well. A mediocre pitcher got to play with a virtual All-Star lineup and gold glove defense every time he took the mound cause the Yankees pulled the same shit then that they pull now. The only people who have a right to complain are guys like Ernie Banks. A guy who didn’t cheat and played for a shitty full of guys who didn’t cheat. Baseball can fix a few other things I view as cheating before gambling is even a factor.

Steroids

Payroll

"Draft" of foreign players

About the author: My brother sends me this stuff completely unformatted in about ten different fonts, which is why it takes a week for me to get round to uploading it. He is, in the option of the lab, a quality sports commentator.