2008 U.S. Open Fourth Round Analysis

Analysis Summary

There just are no more words.

After a grueling round, starting with yet another opening double-bogey, his third such opening hole of the tournament, and following with yet another bogey, and sprinkling alternately workmanlike and ghastly shots through the rest of the round, somehow Tiger made it to the 18th green with a tricky 12-foot downhill right-to-left curling putt to make it into a playoff.

This man had been limping and grimacing in pain right off the first tee, and never stopped until the round was over. The commentators stopped trying to gauge how good a shot was from Tiger’s reaction simply because every reaction one was of searing, shooting agony.

In a round with very little of the third round’s magic and drama, here was one last opportunity to top even everything that had come before.

Friends, even I had given up.

So when that tricky downhill left-to-righter just spun in, took a trip halfway around the hole and then dropped for a miracle birdie, three things happened:

1. I yelled so loud that I lost my voice for the next two hours.

2. Tiger had a triumphant reaction more orgasmic than anything we’ve ever seen in his long, storied career of orgasmic reactions. This was an otherworldly reaction from an otherworldly golfer. It was almost frightening.

3. I wrote my boss an email to say that I’d be in late tomorrow. See, most tournaments, if there’s a tie at the end, they play a sudden-death playoff immediately afterward. The U.S. Open is the only tournament where they instead make the combatants come back the next day to play an entirely new full round of 18 holes.

Already dragging his left leg behind him for five hours, it’s ironic that the last thing Tiger probably wanted was the one thing he so desperately needed from that final, twisty, no-way-he-does-this-again putt.

But there we are, and here we go. 18 holes, Monday morning, one-on-one, to finally, mercifully, complete what is already agreed by many to be the greatest U.S. Open in history, and what will be agreed, should Tiger win, to be the most astonishing display of fortitude and blind, raging will ever exhibited in the history of sports.

So I guess there were some more words, after all.

Anyhow. Let’s take an in-depth analysis of Tiger’s single remaining competitor!

Rocco Mediate (-1): It is true, this guy is impossible to not like. He grinned and joked and gabbed his way through what was a pretty damned remarkable round given the circumstances. One of those circumstances is that he hasn’t won anywhere in 6 years, is ranked 158th in the world, and basically has no business being here. But here he is, taking on the greatest golfer of all time for the toughest trophy to win in all of golf. I haven’t been giving him any credit in the previous analyses, but here he is. So, Rocco, just this one time, I’ll give you this. THREAT LEVEL: VERY HIGH

You guys. I know my body and mind are ravaged with hyperbole cancer, but seriously, this is the most amazing golf tournament that has ever been played.

I advise you all to take off work as well.

Nay. I demand it.