I am a recovering SUV driver and I do drink your milkshake

So, I am sure many of you have had the pure pleasure of driving up to a gas station lately and having your eye sockets and sphincter swell up from the pure shock of what is truly American, buying that Texas tea to drive 5 blocks. Yes, I am a recovering SUV driver and I do drink your milkshake. In fact, I have no kids and both my wife and I have driven the monstrosities you see clogging up roadways, clogging up parking spaces, and usually rolled on the side of the road with the soccer mommy still holding the cell phone to her ear. Man, I was a true American Patriot! I signed right up for what is now my fate. You see, I had a Jeep Grand Cherokee, which is a funny name considering Native American’s were here on this once beautiful land before you and I. I now am a proud owner of a Mini Cooper waiting for one phone call to bend me over on my once blue booked car at $22,000. This is the reality here, the SUV fad is over. Thank God, why did I give in!
 
I was sure proud of my Native American gas guzzling monstrosity when I purchased it. Wow, I felt like I would fit in and I was really making something of my life. I was an American and by God I have a right to drive my tank down the road and who cares how I act in the vehicle, who cares how much gas it guzzles, and who cares in general, at least I fit in with my conservative neighbors and friends who are also self entitled and making self absorbed decisions. You know, if you can’t beat them, join them. I felt I had to buy one of these Xbox-sized vehicles to actually assist with the absorption of impact should one of these brain optional types driving here in Colorado barrel into the side of me at the Mall.
 
I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself or those around me who saw what we were doing and continued to invest in technology and engineering that was outdated and soon to be to large for our own good. Should we feel sorry for American auto manufactures that invested all of their efforts on producing larger vehicles and not using resources to advance other ways to move a piston? Does this debacle we call the SUV sum up everything we as Americans are about these days? Big hopes and dreams with very little thought or conscious?
 
Do we really need to have vehicles the size of some small counties on the map populating our under educated roadways to hell? Are we as Americans really responsible enough to even be driving these things considering how our decisions over the last few years have been one failure after another? I mean, you can give a Patriot a gun, but if you don’t teach him how to use it, you have another idiot with a gun. We would rather invest in war efforts fighting a word then educating drivers, investing in new energy technologies then truly solving a problem and being the leader in the world a true patriot or American should be.
 
So, I state right here right now. I HOPE GAS KEEPS GOING UP. It serves us right. We are the ones that continue to get bent both politically and fiscally while fat cats make stupid decision after stupid decision to sell to us at Wal-Mart and CNN. I would like to know that I can truly recover from this stupid decision I made in my life. What the hell was I thinking. Any time I have followed here in Colorado, one of them there Red States, It has been a bad decision. Why did I think that these idiots that do not even know what the blinker is used for in their SUV is someone I want to be like? Was it their ghetto wheels on that huge ass Escalade or the fact I was scared to get hit by them? What ever it was, I am no longer a Patriot and my lapel pin is now a throw in on the SUV for anyone who wants to buy it. I am now just a lost American trying to make my way on 5 gallons of gas in a Mini Cooper leaving my testosterone at home and the ego at the dealership.