It’s Knuckles the Clown Week: Comic Book Movies

Editor’s note: We take you back to right before the release of Spider-Man 2. Comic book movies were in chaos. One “man,” the following clown, knew what the problems were and how to fix them. We now take you to his post at the time.

 

While you guys are eagerly anticipating your next 8 sided die roll or thaco check, I’m eagerly awaiting the Release of Spider Man 2. I was an avid comic book reader growing up and am happy that Hollywood is now able to portray our favorite heroes without making them look gay or cheesy.

But I do have a huge problem with the formula. In every one of these movies:

1. The origin of the character is fucked up.

2. He is almost always the ONLY super hero in the world

3. The Lois Lane or Mary Jane character that took Superman and Spider-Man 300 issues to ask out, drops her pants in the first movie.

4. The characters our heroes battled for hundreds of issues are killed within a week’s time (in the movie)

5. Huge gaffs: (Harvey Dent being played by Billy D. Williams then Tommy Lee Jones, Spider-Man shooting webs out of his skin, the lumping together of Mary Jane and Gwen Stacey and the biggest one of all time-the Hulk movie.)

Here’s what should have been done

1. Case: Batman movie kills Joker too damn soon.

Solution: Let the joker beat Robin to death with a crowbar like in the comic book and have him escape. THAT WAY YOU CAN BRING HIM BACK, LOSE THAT FAG O’DONNELL AND when you run out of ideas by the fourth movie you bring the Joker back and leave ARNOLD the fuck out of it.

2. Case: Two Face being played by two different actors in two different movies one black (Billy D. Williams) and one white (Tommy Lee Jones)!

Solution: I agree Hollywood owed Billy D. big time, Lando shoulda got his own spin off movie called Streets of Calrisimo. So leave Billy D. as Harvey Dent and have him framed of a crime he didn’t commit. That way Tommy Lee Jones can still participate and play the cop who is in charge of finding a wrongly accused man.

3. Case: While it is implied that Mary Jane Watson is a slut for dating three characters in one movie, it isn’t really addressed.

Solution: Spider-man Ticket stub good for discount on Raylenne’s “American Web Guzzlers” DVD.

4. Case: All super hero movies operate in different universes i.e. you don’t see Spider-Man ever dropping by the Avengers Mansion.

Solution: I understand they can’t throw all these guys together probably cause of licensing, blah, blah. But a passing mention like Spider-Man checking his cell phone and listening to the black cat leaving a message about how “She’s late.”

5. Case: The (original) Hulk Movie

Solution: everyone involved must be shot.