2008 PGA Championship DISASTER UPDATE!!!!!!!!!
The second round is virtually over, so let’s check our masters of disaster to see how the four most loathesome men in golf fared today!
For each douche, I will at the end rate them (on a 0-10 scale) on 1) likelihood of following through on disaster, and 2) how terrible it would be if the disaster occurred. By multiplying these together, each douche will receive an overall DISASTER RATING of 0-100. Then you can mark these numbers on your wall in crayon. Right on the wall. Use different color crayons for each douche.
DISASTER DOUCHE #1: Padraig Harrington — To be fair, Paddy actually isn’t a bad guy, unlike the other three assholes on this list. However, for the purposes of this week, he is the worst enemy I have ever had in my life, including Hitler, Satan, and HITLERSATAN, who is an invention of my own mind! And what the FUCK did I tell you? When he finished his round, he was tied for 57th, and I said, watch this, cuz he’s gonna go up and up and up. And now, at the end of the day? TIED FOR 26th for fuck’s sake. Six shots back at +5, but since only one guy (J. B. “John” Holmes) is at -1, and he blows, it’s really like being five shots back, which is nothing. NOTHING! Well, maybe not nothing. It’s probably something. But not so much something that you can say “yeah, he definitely won’t win.” LIKELIHOOD RATING: 3 – SEVERITY RATING: 10 (would win the award) – OVERALL DISASTER RATING: 30.
DISASTER DOUCHE #2: Anthony Kim — I am happy to report that Kimmie struggled to a five over 75 today to put him even with Paddy at +5, tied for 26th. He gets a higher likelihood rating than Paddy though because he is becoming known for unbelievable hot streaks. LIKELIHOOD RATING: 5 – SEVERITY RATING: 9 – OVERALL DISASTER RATING: 45.
DISASTER DOUCHE #3: Sergio Garcia — Leads the douche pack after a 73, putting him at +2, tied for 7th, three shots back. Has never won a major, and I am torn because the prospect of him choking away another close one is almost worth the risk of him getting this close. Were he to win, not the end of the world as I still think he’d need at least one more win, but still, seeing him hold any kind of important trophy is enough to make any serious golf fan gag up his Cheez-Its. LIKELIHOOD RATING: 8 – SEVERITY RATING: 6 – OVERALL DISASTER RATING: 48.
DISASTER DOUCHE #4: LEFTY — Copied Sergio’s 73, putting him tied for 14th, four strokes back. In some ways, him winning would be the worst of all possible outcomes, but for some strange reason, I’d actually rather see him win that Anthony Kim, who is just a despicable pile of garbage. Still, though, it would be completely godawful in every conceivable way. LIKELIHOOD RATING: 8 – SEVERITY RATING: 8 – OVERALL DISASTER RATING: 64
So there you have it. Leading into round three, please BOO these worthless stanknuggets in the following order:
FUCK YOU LEFTY (64)
FUCKIO GARCIA (48)
FUCKONY KIM (45)
Paddy (30)
Bonus “Positive” Update
Hey, hey. Let’s not let negativity overcome us on this most hallowed of weeks on the Tour. Golf is a wonderful game, and we should show our appreciation and admiration for those who play the game expertly! So this weekend, if you happen to flip the channel to the 2008 PGA Championship, why not raise high a delicious beverage in a toast, and cheer, cheer, cheer these fine, fine players!
J.B. Holmes (1): A long hitter and good guy, this could be his chance to take his career to the next level!
Ben Curtis (T2): Previous surprise major winner, maybe he can thrill us again with another shocker!
Justin Rose (T2): Was thought to be the next young star ten years ago, never quite got there. Could this be the week he fulfills that earlier promise? Let’s hope so!
David Toms (T5): Previous PGA Championship winner and all around good guy, who won’t be rootin’ for this former LSU Tiger??
Henrik Stenson (T5): Solid, steady European player, now has his chance to conquer ground in the US!
Aaron Baddeley (T7): The ladies love him, fashion designers cringe, but “Badds” is set to show the world he’s not just a pretty face in horrible clothing!
Sean O’Hair (T7): Escaped an emotionally abusive father and is poised and ready to show the world (and his father) that he can win on the biggest stage in the sport!
Angel Cabrera (T7): The Big Cat! Another surprise previous major winner, but he’s purring right along and ready to pounce on Major #2!
Paul Goydos (T14): Who could forget his showdown at the Players this year, showing the whole world that you can be a pro golfer but still be a down-to-earth, funny, nice guy! Go Go Goydos!
Boo Weekley (T14): The country bumpkin who says he’d rather fish than golf, how can you not pull for this down-home cowpoke?
Brandt Snedeker (T14): Made his name known in the Masters, and is back for more face time! Hopefully lots of it!
Steve Elkington (T21): Elk! The best interview on the Jim Rome show! A great, hilarious guy who everyone should definitely root for!
There ya go. HUZZAH, I say to all these wonderful people! Play your best, men! We here at Jolt Country BBS are actively — you might say vociferously — behind you!
Day Three Update
Most of today was rained out, so not much to report. As of the time of play was called:
Sergio Garcia had finished only one hole, and stood tied for eighth, three shots back.
Padraig Harrington was through 8 holes, and tied for 28th, six back.
Phil Mickelson was through 5 holes and stands tied for 17th, four shots back.
In the one bright spot of the shortened day, Anthony Kim is +3 on his round, through 11 holes, and stands tied for 42nd, nine shots back. Way to go, A-K!
That’s it for today. Hopefully we can get this thing done tomorrow, so everyone can lose like they’re supposed to!
ULTRA-DISASTER!!!!!
This couldn’t possibly have gone worse! Let’s take a look at the contestants and see how they’re attempting to destroy my life!
ANTHONY KIM is tied for 39th, 11 shots back, so the one saving grace is that he is not gonna win this shit. Suck it, Anthony Kim! LIKELIHOOD: 1, SEVERITY: 9, TOTAL: 9
LEFTY is tied for 13th, six shots back. Not toooooooo worried about this, but it’s been done before, so, LIKELIHOOD: 3, SEVERITY: 8, TOTAL: 24.
SERGIO GARCIA is tied for FOURTH, three FUCKING shots back. This is making me nauseous even to type! To think he’s this close! Sure, seeing him fail after getting such a taste would be terribly sweet, but this is TOO close! LIKELIHOOD: 9, SEVERITY: 6, TOTAL: 54.
But the real bad news is:
PADRAIG HARRINGTON shot an unbelievable 66 in the third round, after bitching all yesterday that he was just tooooo tired and tooooo distracted after winning the British, and that he just didn’t have it this week. Know what? FUCK YOU, Paddy. He currently stands tied with Sergio in fourth, three shots back. If he repeats his third round performance in the upcoming fourth round, the whole year is a disaster. LIKELIHOOD: 9, SEVERITY: 10+, TOTAL: WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN!!!!!!!!
STAY TUNED! PLEASE DIE, ALL GOLFERS I HAVE MENTIONED IN THIS POST!
P.S. Rory Sabbatini!
Ice Cream Jonsey