Let’s Solve Some (NFL) Problems

What are men good at? Problem solving! Let’s go and solve some problems around the NFL. We can’t solve all the problems, but that won’t stop us – men! – from trying.

GREEN BAY PACKERS
There’s no downside to bringing Brett back because people get hurt all the time in the NFL. You’re saying to yourselves that you want Aaron Rodgers to have control of the team early on, so he establish his blah blah blah. Why? WHY? Let Favre start and when he, being 39 years old, takes one in the sternum, you have Rodgers ready to play. Yes, Brett has never missed a game – neither did Cal Ripken until he started missing games.

Additionally, the quality of play decreases as the season goes on, because starters everywhere get hurt. So Rodgers will face worse teams the longer this goes on. If Rodgers plays like shit, then move him back to the bench when Favre is healthy. If he plays well, then great. PROBLEM SOLVED!

BUFFALO BILLS
You’ve needed a quarterback since Jim Kelly left town, and nothing will ever improve until you get one. Kelly isn’t strictly correct; Flutie was flawed but good enough to play ball. And Wade Phillips let him start the entire season, only to pull him before the playoffs. You all deserve this, for fucking around with the QB spot like that. But that was around 8 years ago, so I think we can heal now.

I encouraged you to take Matt Leinart, and who knows how that has panned out. But I’d take a QB in the first until you get a good one. Brady’s not going anywhere, and you’re going to need to gun with him. Get a QB, a REAL quarterback and… PROBLEM SOLVED!

JAVON WALKER
Your blood is too iron-rich, which is why knives and bullets are so attracted to your general person. Get off red meat and fish for a few months and you should be fine. Let the gunfire erupt around you. Also, don’t move to Oakland if you were traumatized by a teammate’s unsolved murder (thanks Denver cops – between this and the JonBenét debacle, the only real crime you’ve solved recently was Columbine, and those two spotted you their crimson-smeared faces in a crumpled pile while still wearing ammo. Keep writing those traffic tickets though). PROBLEM SOLVED!

THE REST OF THE LEAGUE EXCEPT THE GIANTS
When Brady is out there throwing it around up by fifty, you send each player with instructions to destroy his KNEES. The knee is the worst body part to get injured in the NFL. (Right now the spine is flipping his keyboard.) It takes at least six months to recover – some of these guys have started tearing ligaments in the playoffs and coming back the next season, but still, that gets rid of him for the rest of the year. If his backup, Matt Cassel,  is raining death upon you then that’s part of the game and your team should think about being disbanded. But to see grown men let the scores get run up like they did last year, with — in one case! — the Pats going after the knees of the Bills’ quarterback!!!!! … is amazing. This single-handily makes rugby players more manly men with more pride. If Belichick is going to be stupid enough to keep sending him out there, then hurt him. PROBLEM SOLVED!

DETROIT LIONS
Remove everyone from the team but Matt Millen, clearly, this is an organizational issue, except for, like, the very top. PROBLEM SOLVED!

ROGER GOODELL
Nobody gives a shit about games in Europe, the game is worthless without a good salary cap, floor and revenue sharing, the draft should never leave NYC, the draft should start at 11:00 EST, the concept of the NFL Network is retarded since you get all your money from the networks, disciplining these animals that line up each Sunday doesn’t matter and nobody gives a good goddamn about football in Los Angeles. Fuck all this up, however! You’re doing great work. Just because people in their thirties have never truly had a horrible commissioner run the NFL, it doesn’t mean we don’t recognize it since (after the OKC / Seattle debacle) every other major sport has a completely worthless guy at the highest level. Actually, you fit right in. PROBLEM NOT SOLVED!