Masters: Round Two Analysis

ROUND TWO SCORING ANALYSIS without regard for any player other than Tiger Woods

Well, okay, it’s going to be a little harder to paint a pretty picture today, but I’m going to try:

After round 2 of the 2008 Masters, and an up and down round, Tiger Woods is tied for 13th place, at 1 under par. 13th place sounds like an improvement from 19th place, but whereas yesterday he was four back, right now he is seven back. But let’s take a look at the competitors and see what that really means:

1 player is at -8.
1 player is at -7.
3 players are at -5.
2 players are at -4.
3 players are at -3.
2 players are at -2.
7 players are at -1 (including Tiger).

Looks pretty dire, doesn’t it? And I’m not going to lie to you, unless Tiger plays very well the next two days, we really have no chance here. However, you must keep in mind that this course and this tournament are going to get much harder over the next two days, so I would not be surprised if the winning score ended up at -5 or -6. So if he can somehow scrape together a couple of 69s, maybe a 68 in there, he could be in good shape.

Other factors may also make this not as hopeless a situation as it might seem. Let’s run down the 18 fuckwads who currently stand between him and the lead, and see what’s really going on here.

I will include a threat level for these too, with the understanding that this presumes Tiger plays VERY WELL over the weekend, and can actually mount some sort of charge. If he just keeps plodding along like this, you can just chalk it up to not being his week, and move onto the U.S. Open (starting June 9, at Torrey Pines South, a course which I have actually played on, that’s how special I am.)

1. Trevor Immelman (-8) – I’m sorry, I just don’t buy it. I mean, if this middle-of-the-road, journeyman player can keep having these magic days, then God bless him, but I’m just not buying it. The appropriate thing for him to do is to start backsliding immediately on Saturday afternoon under the far more difficult, pressure-filled conditions. C’mon, Trevor. You had a nice run, but let’s get with the backsliding. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

2. Brandt Snedeker (-7) – See: Trevor Immelman. Also, what the hell kind of name is that? THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM, only because he’s at -7.

3. Steve Flesch (-5) – Still old, still ugly, just had the round of his life today. I really can’t take him seriously, no matter how far ahead he is. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

4. Phil Mickelson (-5) – This is a serious problem. A very serious problem, I won’t lie to you. Him winning would be the worst thing to ever happen in history, so it’s important that he begin to get cocky and start eating Twinkies and plunking balls in the water again. Also, FUCK LEFTY. THREAT LEVEL: VERY HIGH

5. Ian Poulter (-5) – More threatening than the leaders, less than Lefty, but he is showing some stones, which I don’t like to see. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

6. Stephen Ames (-4) – I thought I wrote all these motherfuckers off yesterday. Perhaps the pressure has not hit them yet. It will, though, I am confident of this. He will need two more under-par rounds to win, and there is no chance this will happen. Still, he’s a recognizable name. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

7. Paul Casey (-4) – See Stephen Ames. But no lousy Brit is gonna with this tournament, not this week. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

8. Stewart Cink (-3) – Didn’t I tell you he was strong, and on the rise? Didn’t I say this? Why aren’t you listening to me? THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

9. Arron Oberholser (-3) – I still can’t take him seriously. He can’t even spell his first name right. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

10. Mike Weir (-3) – Previous winner, had a hell of a round. I was hoping we could write him off (and in fact I did just that yesterday, but here we are). Too inconsistent and Canadian to pose much of a threat, but he’s right in the mix, so we can’t really write him off. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

11. Retief Goosen (-2) – Is the magic returning? The magic I spoke of yesterday, when you just thought I was talking out my ass? Good Lord, I hope not. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

12. Lee Westwood (-2) – Began backsliding today. I expect it to continue into the weekend as things tighten up. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

13. Sean O’Hair (-1) – The emotional scars of an abusive family should start kicking in any moment now. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

14. J. B. Holmes (-1) – True story: his name is John Holmes, but asked to be referred to as J. B. shortly after his career began. Ironically, he is best known on Tour for his long drives. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

15. Vijay Singh (-1) – Has matched Tiger’s score both days. However, he’s done it in a much more annoying fashion, I’m sure. FUCK VIJAY. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

16. Jim Furyk (-1) – Backslid a little today, which was surprising and enjoyable. Not that he’s not a nice guy, but for these four days, everyone is the enemy. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

17. Robert Karlsson (-1) – He’s been on this list two days now and I still have no idea who he is. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

18. Nick Dougherty (-1) – He has the word “dough” in his name. Add that to the fact that I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup of two people, and you get: THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Alright? So if we can be serious about this, Tiger is seven back right now, but I figure we can throw out the top two scores because there’s no way “Trevor” and “Brandt” are going to be able to keep up this ridiculous pace, so it’s more like he’s four back. The bad news is, he’s four back of the second-best player in the universe. The good news is, he tends to turn it up a little on the weekend at the Masters, and he’s Tiger Fucking Woods.

So, anything can happen. He came back from seven shots to win in 2005, and has come back from at least 3 shots in each of his four previous Masters victories.

That being said, it’s now or never. If he doesn’t kick it into gear tomorrow, see you in June.