Review: Willow *1/2

When I was younger my dad (Sasha) and I used to go to all kinds of special places together. Drag Races, baseball games but mostly court. Besides being an uneducated failure my dad also had a laundry list of problems including drinking, whoring, chain smoking and a hair trigger violent temper. He also managed to transform my pretty mother into disfigured truck stop hooker trash way before Charlize “academy award” Thereon made it “cool”.

I was 15 back in ’88, it would be the last time I went to court with my father. He was appearing for a drunken disorderly. He had stabbed “one-eyed” Francis in the eye with a broken Heineken bottle after an argument about Ten Danson being a “nelly”. Danson’s sexual penchants became moot after “one-eyed” Francis became “blind” Fran. You can still find Fran pan-handling outside the Piggly Wiggly in Columbus.

ASIDE

Fran said he lost his first eye in Korea. That’s bullshit. My sources tell me he used to suck on old car batteries to get high and developed a severe case of both trench mouth and lockjaw. The doctors were unable to get his mouth open to treat the trench mouth and the infection spread to his left eye rendering it useless.

Anyhow my dad knew that Judge Bent fancied himself a collector of “young-boy” porn. So he used to trade naked pictures of me on the crapper for a deferred sentence. Only this time when he approached the bench to make the exchange, Judge Bent was unhappy. He examined the photos and noticed I had sprouted a few pubes on the ol’ pelvic patch and shouted “these photos are unusable”. He gave my dad 1,500 days in jail. They took my dad away and I was left to my own devices and had to walk home (a recurring theme in my life). On the way back I passed the multiplex and snuck in to “Willow”. Midgets and the very gay Val Kilmer, two things I can’t fucking stand. 1.5 stars out of 4.