The Let's Get RetroRomper Committed Thread

by **pinback** » Thu Aug 27, 2020 5:33 am

Don't jinx it.

by **RetroRomper** » Wed Aug 26, 2020 10:17 pm

I've been happy for four consecutive days.

by **RetroRomper** » Sun Jul 05, 2020 12:22 am

Zoloft by itself changed my life and let me engage in everything else that has begun to help me. It'll take months AFTER taking at least weeks to work up to the full dosage, so it's a commitment (and then it may not work or work as well as another, so you restart the process from ground zero.) The biggest thing that allowed me to take the Zoloft on a regular basis, was HapticAnimal finally offering to get the medication for me as even standing seemed too much effort and remembering was another ball game.

So this may be the smallest, yet biggest thing you can do for her - get her her medication.

by **RetroRomper** » Sun Jul 05, 2020 12:16 am

I'd be very careful self diagnosing BPD - she can have BPD like symptoms, but the overlap with C(omplicated)-PTSD is large enough that a professional needs to look at the subtleties of her responses and behaviors. Treatment is similar (DBT,) but how 1:1 counseling will be approached is vastly different, since from what I understand, C-PTSD has more crystallized emotional responses as opposed to BPD where they're in flux and continually escalate. That is a gross oversimplification and sadly, finding an expert much less one that is affordable, is difficult.

For depression, it was terrible - I could barely interact, I'd be awake and even on Adderall I couldn't respond to nearly anything. My last Psychiatrist noted that the best tested and documented treatment for BPD are antidepressants as opposed to mood stabilizers or a cocktail of of drugs. Though that is because any given drug combination for any specific illness wouldn't be cost effective for a pharma company to take on and I've had good luck on a three way combination of Setraline / Zoloft, lametical and Abilify (the last one being called a "miracle" drug for BPD, but it's far more complicated than that.)

Let me think about how I can describe how her feelings (anxiety, depression, etc) could be impacting her behavior or at least describe how it molded mine and I'll post again. I don't want to rush into even small posts on this subject and I'm in alot of flux right now, so give me some time to think on this for both of us.

by **Casual Observer** » Wed Jul 01, 2020 1:41 pm

RetroRomper wrote: Tue Jun 30, 2020 9:29 pm
Flack wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 5:14 am That sounds like a terrible way to go through life, and it is sad that you have not been able to obtain the proper mental health treatments that would improve your quality of life.
BPD has alot of stigma attached to it are a few relatively famous and popular lines of thought:

1. It's a death sentence: nothing can be done to treat it.
Hint - people with BPD use 2.5 times the mental health resources as regular people, yet only have 75% of the return they do.
Note: #1 is not true. But you can only cope, care, and be aware. Many people rationalize their feelings from BPD and let the feeling of being justified in their extreme rage or emotions be how they reflect.

2. It's the trash bin of mental health diagnosis.
History - Until the DSM IV, it was poorly defined and it's symptom list contained the equivalent of meat shavings from every other mental illness.

3. If your Therapist or Psychiatrist doesn't like you and or know what to do with you, they'll give you this diagnosis which will stay on your file.
Taboo - I've been passed around clinicians at two different practices and no one wanted me after the first realized the depth of my "illness."

4. The extent to which you'll attack people is so severe and occurs over such a long period of time (emotions are 4x+ of what a normal person experiences and can last for days, so every little thing ticks it up and up and up until it goes from severe to utterly fucking terrible over the span of (for me) a month and a half,) that they will forget who you were beforehand. That retrospective memory of who you were to them and how they felt about you, will be completely subverted and changed based on how severe you're now even if you were a saint.

Fun - If you're one of the rare few with BPD who are aware of their symptoms and are caught in the anger like a living hell trying to scream for attention while inside a glass coffin, people will chew you out afterwards when you wake up and emotions cool and change nearly on a dime. You'll be labeled insufferable, they'll as a group feel justified in pushing you away, mocking you, scorning you, and labeling you a severe mental case who is a step away from murder.

If you stick around afterwads, they'll be okay treating you like dirt and telling you that you can't expect them to not have been affected and not take that into consideration, even though you're now fully aware.

Bonus - They'll "wish you get the help you need, really I care." Of course the joke is, you're only this much better because you've had years upon years of various therapies. So... End of the line.

I appreciate your perspective, it's nice to hear it from someone who is actually self aware of what it's like to have BPD.

I poured over psych books in the SUNY Brockport library and self diagnosed my wife with BPD in our first year, 22 years ago. For me, it's tough to differentiate BPD from Bi-Polar Disorder (which could also be shortened to BPD), particularly Bi-Polar 1 or 2 which don't seem have as much mania as 3 and 4 from my experience. Bi-Polar can have similar outbursts of rage as what you describe but often has a pronounced depression that follows. You didn't mention depression, is that part of your experience also? My wife and I both have Bi-Polar in our families so it's an interesting topic for me.

by **Tdarcos** » Wed Jul 01, 2020 8:29 am

Retro, first, I'm glad you explained your situation. Second, I do not, and have never had any bad feelings toward you. Third, I'm wondering if your condition is similar to what caused Finn's behavior here. Fourth, I kind of understand a little what you're going through, because I had it in reverse, I got it through drugs.

Back when they were available, I was on the two-drug cocktail of phentermine and fenfluramine, also known as Phen-fen. The stuff was absolutely amazing and very effective because it affects, not one of the mental issues people can have (the way a drug like Prozac does), but handles two of the neurotransmitter chemicals in the brain, seratonin and dopamine. (I later found there is a third neurotransmitter, norepinephrine that is also one that it would also help to find a way to adjust.)

This means it can adjust both the downs and ups, which is the problem in what they used to call manic depression, and is now called bipolar. The doctor who prescribed them said that if you felt too sad or was overreacting it's okay to readjust dosage. I did, and it improved my outlook, I stopped being a couch potato, I wrote my first book, changed my attitude, and got a job doing tech support.

Well, one time I did it wrong, I took too much of the blue capsule (as opposed to the orange tablet), and within maybe 1/2 an hour I knew that I had; it brought up strange thoughts, while I was on the commuter train to Baltimore to see the doctor, I got thinking how I could simply walk to the end of the train car, and jump between them, which would kill me, of course.

Three things. 1. I knew the thoughts were caused by an overdose of the drug. 2. I realized that it wasn't how I really felt, I had no interest in suicide. 3. The thoughts were just "dirt at the bottom of the fish tank" random thoughts that had been stirred up by fucking with my brain chemistry, and as soon as the drug wore off, the thoughts would go away. I was right on all points, and it caused no long-term problems.

Thing is, I knew the problem was accidentally generated. Had it been a regular, long term problem I had I was born with, I have to hope I'd be strong enough either to ignore the suggestions and/or get professional help. And it could be worse if your condition is considered so bad even the doctors can't help you.

by **RetroRomper** » Tue Jun 30, 2020 9:32 pm

Let me address the actual title of this thread and note that being committed wouldn't help me.

by **RetroRomper** » Tue Jun 30, 2020 9:29 pm

Flack wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 5:14 am That sounds like a terrible way to go through life, and it is sad that you have not been able to obtain the proper mental health treatments that would improve your quality of life.

BPD has alot of stigma attached to it are a few relatively famous and popular lines of thought:

1. It's a death sentence: nothing can be done to treat it.
Hint - people with BPD use 2.5 times the mental health resources as regular people, yet only have 75% of the return they do.
Note: #1 is not true. But you can only cope, care, and be aware. Many people rationalize their feelings from BPD and let the feeling of being justified in their extreme rage or emotions be how they reflect.

2. It's the trash bin of mental health diagnosis.
History - Until the DSM IV, it was poorly defined and it's symptom list contained the equivalent of meat shavings from every other mental illness.

3. If your Therapist or Psychiatrist doesn't like you and or know what to do with you, they'll give you this diagnosis which will stay on your file.
Taboo - I've been passed around clinicians at two different practices and no one wanted me after the first realized the depth of my "illness."

4. The extent to which you'll attack people is so severe and occurs over such a long period of time (emotions are 4x+ of what a normal person experiences and can last for days, so every little thing ticks it up and up and up until it goes from severe to utterly fucking terrible over the span of (for me) a month and a half,) that they will forget who you were beforehand. That retrospective memory of who you were to them and how they felt about you, will be completely subverted and changed based on how severe you're now even if you were a saint.

Fun - If you're one of the rare few with BPD who are aware of their symptoms and are caught in the anger like a living hell trying to scream for attention while inside a glass coffin, people will chew you out afterwards when you wake up and emotions cool and change nearly on a dime. You'll be labeled insufferable, they'll as a group feel justified in pushing you away, mocking you, scorning you, and labeling you a severe mental case who is a step away from murder.

If you stick around afterwads, they'll be okay treating you like dirt and telling you that you can't expect them to not have been affected and not take that into consideration, even though you're now fully aware.

Bonus - They'll "wish you get the help you need, really I care." Of course the joke is, you're only this much better because you've had years upon years of various therapies. So... End of the line.

by **RetroRomper** » Tue Jun 30, 2020 7:21 pm

Flack wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 5:14 am That sounds like a terrible way to go through life, and it is sad that you have not been able to obtain the proper mental health treatments that would improve your quality of life.

I came to this thread to write "I wish I were dead, trust me on this one" and ya know, it's good to hear a kind word from you. No sarcasm, joking, prodding, etc. Appreciation for kindness from someone I know has judged me harshly in the past.

by **Casual Observer** » Fri Jun 26, 2020 8:40 am

Flack wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 5:14 amRight after I took my first sip, my wife said, "hey, I got unsweet tea and ordered sweet!" Then we swapped drinks and enjoyed a hearty chuckle.

My wife's got a bit of BPD, this situation would have turned into disaster.

by **pinback** » Fri Jun 26, 2020 8:08 am

I think it probably broke when the BBS software was updated. Memory's failing right now, so not quite sure who we can blame that on. Anyone remember?

by **Tdarcos** » Fri Jun 26, 2020 8:05 am

Casual Observer wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 7:39 am
Tdarcos wrote: Wed Jun 24, 2020 9:57 pm
Casual Observer wrote: Wed Jun 24, 2020 12:40 pm ATTN SYSOPS: neither Bold nor Strikethrough are working, thank you for your attention.
Stirkethrough has never worked here.
Wrong. It used to work, maybe before you got here.

That's friggin' ten years ago1 Well, then, it must be Jonsey's fault. In fact, let's just say "It's all Jonsey's fault." Thus we can blame him for everything: Lost your car keys? Broke up with your girlfriend? Lost your wife to cancer? Got caught robbing a bank? It's all Jonsey's fault. Well, actually the last one is yours by not offering the cops a bribe.

by **Casual Observer** » Fri Jun 26, 2020 7:39 am

Tdarcos wrote: Wed Jun 24, 2020 9:57 pm
Casual Observer wrote: Wed Jun 24, 2020 12:40 pm ATTN SYSOPS: neither Bold nor Strikethrough are working, thank you for your attention.
Stirkethrough has never worked here.

Wrong. It used to work, maybe before you got here.

by **Flack** » Fri Jun 26, 2020 5:14 am

That sounds like a terrible way to go through life, and it is sad that you have not been able to obtain the proper mental health treatments that would improve your quality of life.

The worst thing that happened to me yesterday was I got a sweet tea with my dinner instead of unsweet tea. Right after I took my first sip, my wife said, "hey, I got unsweet tea and ordered sweet!" Then we swapped drinks and enjoyed a hearty chuckle.

by **RetroRomper** » Fri Jun 26, 2020 4:43 am

And oh ya, I can count on two hands the number of mental health experts of all kinds at all levels, that have dropped me once they saw the seriousness of my disorder or heard B... P.... D.... muttered on the wind.

One more fun fact! You'd think that someone with such intense emotions that are arguably Super Human would feel everything that much more intensely, including happiness and joy? Nope. The mental defense everyone with BPD seems to put up, is to disassociate themselves from ALL emotions, then purposely create other mental tricks that keep them from having any stimulus that can initiate them, causing a cascade of higher and higher rage, anger, or anxiety that builds upon itself. Because remember, emotions can last for hours or days so everything that occurs within that threshold increases and reinforces the mood.

Tick Tick Tick Up Up Up She Goes

I've purposely put myself in a room for years (and no, it wasn't padded, haha) where all I'd do is work, come back to the apartment, eat, sleep, go back to work, and drug myself enough so I'd sleep through the entire weekend.

Another one exists called "splitting"

Airing all of my mental health issues online is a great idea! wrote:People with borderline personality disorder often experience overwhelming emotions and struggle to integrate the concept that good and bad can co-exist in another person. Splitting is a psychological mechanism which allows the person to tolerate difficult and overwhelming emotions by seeing someone as either good or bad, idealized or devalued. This makes it easier to manage the emotions that they are feeling, which on the surface seem to be contradictory."

The actual article is too short and 2D for me, but it at least does offer a more relatable and sympathetic view of the whole concept: https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/unders ... y-disorder

When I say I'd be better off dead, I am in no way kidding: these mental and emotional states were never meant to be experienced or even approached, much less processed by anyone or anything that can call themselves even vaguely human.

My other favorite topic is the sense of "emptiness" or feeling "hollow" that can encompass nearly everything, but I've alienated myself enough for the time being.

by **RetroRomper** » Fri Jun 26, 2020 4:28 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 5:54 am RR is the textbook definition of bipolar.

Since I love the "let's guess how screwed up Retro is" game, I'll spoil it for everyone:

Rats of NIMH wrote:People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/ ... ndex.shtml

Click Bait for Mental Health wrote: The intensity of the emotions of someone suffering from BPD may be disproportionate to the actual situation. My experience with clients has been that a diagnosis of BPD is like a death sentence due to stigma.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregive ... -disorder/

The Psych Central piece understates how impactful those two points are: my emotional reactions are never proportionate to the actual situation. Why the closed language? Because let's say, I react normally to 40% - 70% of all situations, but drastically off the Fing rails the other 30% - 60%.

How do I validate which reactions are normal or not? What is the difference between feeling frustrated and punching holes in a wall? My favorite example is "how do you know how to cry at a funeral?" I don't because I've discovered that such a large percentage of my reactions are elevated, that if I trusted any of them, I'd likely end up worse than I am now (which is saying something).

Team it up with feelings of emotions that (and I am not exaggerating,) have been noted as being around 4 to 7 times what a normal person feels for say, anger, anxiety, sadness, etc. then couple on the fact such elevated emotional states can change on a dime or last for three or four days, then change on a dime.. It's like being two different people.

For additional funsies, every behavior pairs with another negative / harmful behavior or emotion, essentially feeding into itself. Even if properly treated (people with BPD consume at least 2.5 times as many mental health resources as regular folk and only display 75% of the improvement, by the way) there is a gap of years where the behavior will run wild without being diagnosed.

Feel lucky if you've any sort of friends or family left who will even acknowledge you by the end of it.

Welcome to my Hell.

by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Jun 25, 2020 8:12 am

My bad. Tdarcos is not autistic and Retro doesn't have mild bipolar episodes once every year and a half. I don't know why anyone would say otherwise.

by **Tdarcos** » Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:10 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 5:54 am RR is the textbook definition of bipolar.

When is the last time you read a textbook?

by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Jun 25, 2020 5:54 am

RR is the textbook definition of bipolar.

by **Jizaboz** » Thu Jun 25, 2020 12:31 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Wed Jun 24, 2020 10:23 pm your bipolar

No you!

I've dealt with craziness and crazy people a lot. I don't think we have to worry about RR.. he is in his own hell just as we are in ours.

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