by Ice Cream Jonsey » Mon Jul 22, 2002 2:04 pm
I apologize in advance for the Larry King-like nonsense that is to follow, with no pre-established guiding topic.
However, these things didn't get NEARLY enough shit when they were happening / active / occuring, etc:
o The movie "Drop Dead Fred" was on cable the other day. That was the one that starred Phoebe Cates and Rik Mayall, didn't make a dime, and apparently killed off both of their movie careers (Cates is listed with only four or five projects since DDF, and Mayall fell off the face of the earth, as far as us Americans are concerned). The movie itself doesn't need more abuse, but what was up with the girl they got to play Phoebe as a little girl? They couldn't have found a girl that looked less like her if they went with a black or Asian kid. The second third of the film is this ridiculously-overlong flashback in which said kid stars, but she has blue eyes and light brown hair. The casting on that one must have been some perverted form of nepotism, I'm convinced of that, like she was the director's niece or something. Then again, they had to know that they were making a crap film at some point early on, so maybe they knew and just didn't care.
o The "THEY GOT NEXT" WNBA promotional campaign. Yeah. They got next all right. The players are currently deciding whether or not they should go on strike. There are about a billion easy jokes to make when you are armed with that knowledge, so I will leave them all for someone else to scoop up for their own extra points.
o MTV is currently running the two worst shows on television -- "The Real World" and "Undressed." Fair enough, I mean, I couldn't give a crap regarding what a bunch of aging former-hipsters put on their miserable station. But when TV Guide desperately attempts to make themselves relevant (it's been tough without two Star Trek shows running -- they are now only able to run a dozen different covers for Voyager, as opposed to previously when they could do it for ST:TNG and DS9 or whatever) by announcing the "50 Worst TV Shows Of All Time" it's pretty fucking sad that they didn't have the balls to call out those two color-tubed forms of aftercrap for the fucking insult to basic human intelligence that they are. (They whacked "Hogan's Heroes" though -- ooh, ballsy! Ballsy to take on a show where virtually all the major castmembers are dead! Ha-ha! Give me a break.)
o That drooling moron "Anastacia" messing up the national anthem before the All-Star game. Not for jingoistic reasons, but because it shows exactly why the recording industry is depicted so often as a collection of monsters who feed on supple baby flesh. When was the last time a skank got a recording contact? Honestly, I can't recall -- the late 70s maybe? However, since it's more important to look good (as far as the RIAA is concerned) than sound good, they have been drafting supposedly "attractive" girls and trying to make them singers rather than actually finding poor girls who can sing. So the current vapid whore that they are trotting out in front of us is given an opportunity to sing before the nation and she is all over the place -- not anywhere near the lyrics to the actual song. That should have killed her career, but the very next day the airwaves were flooded with "Anastacia" commercials as if nothing ever happened. I guess with the laughable outcome to the ballgame nothing essentially did, but you'd think that the promotion engine would take at least the rest of the week off and sort of half-heartedily try to let us all forget the train wreck that she created. Even her website is a conceited fucking mess: "Anastacia is a rare talent. She is a songwriter, a producer and a dancer. ... 'I am a Freak of Nature,' says Anastacia." No, bitch, you're a fucking moron who couldn't even figure out that the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner were BEING DISPLAYED FOR YOU in the stadium, except that you were too goddamn stupid to turn yourself the right way. If this dumb fucker were revealed to be a mindless automation created in a sound lab I would not be surprised in the least.
I apologize in advance for the Larry King-like nonsense that is to follow, with no pre-established guiding topic.
However, these things didn't get NEARLY enough shit when they were happening / active / occuring, etc:
o The movie "Drop Dead Fred" was on cable the other day. That was the one that starred Phoebe Cates and Rik Mayall, didn't make a dime, and apparently killed off both of their movie careers (Cates is listed with only four or five projects since DDF, and Mayall fell off the face of the earth, as far as us Americans are concerned). The movie itself doesn't need more abuse, but what was up with the girl they got to play Phoebe as a little girl? They couldn't have found a girl that looked [i]less[/i] like her if they went with a black or Asian kid. The second third of the film is this ridiculously-overlong flashback in which said kid stars, but she has blue eyes and light brown hair. The casting on that one must have been some perverted form of nepotism, I'm convinced of that, like she was the director's niece or something. Then again, they had to know that they were making a crap film at some point early on, so maybe they knew and just didn't care.
o The "THEY GOT NEXT" WNBA promotional campaign. Yeah. They got next all right. The players are currently deciding whether or not they should go on strike. There are about a billion easy jokes to make when you are armed with that knowledge, so I will leave them all for someone else to scoop up for their own extra points.
o MTV is currently running the two worst shows on television -- "The Real World" and "Undressed." Fair enough, I mean, I couldn't give a crap regarding what a bunch of aging former-hipsters put on their miserable station. But when TV Guide desperately attempts to make themselves relevant (it's been tough without two Star Trek shows running -- they are now only able to run a dozen different covers for Voyager, as opposed to previously when they could do it for ST:TNG and DS9 or whatever) by announcing the "50 Worst TV Shows Of All Time" it's [i]pretty fucking sad[/i] that they didn't have the balls to call out those two color-tubed forms of aftercrap for the fucking insult to basic human intelligence that they are. (They whacked "Hogan's Heroes" though -- ooh, ballsy! Ballsy to take on a show where virtually all the major castmembers are dead! Ha-ha! Give me a break.)
o That drooling moron "Anastacia" messing up the national anthem before the All-Star game. Not for jingoistic reasons, but because it shows exactly why the recording industry is depicted so often as a collection of monsters who feed on supple baby flesh. When was the last time a skank got a recording contact? Honestly, I can't recall -- the late 70s maybe? However, since it's more important to look good (as far as the RIAA is concerned) than sound good, they have been drafting supposedly "attractive" girls and trying to make them singers rather than actually finding poor girls who can sing. So the current vapid whore that they are trotting out in front of us is given an opportunity to sing before the nation and she is all over the place -- not anywhere [i]near[/i] the lyrics to the actual song. That should have killed her career, but the very next day the airwaves were flooded with "Anastacia" commercials as if nothing ever happened. I guess with the laughable outcome to the ballgame nothing essentially did, but you'd think that the promotion engine would take at least the rest of the week off and sort of half-heartedily try to let us all forget the train wreck that she created. Even her website is a conceited fucking mess: "Anastacia is a rare talent. She is a songwriter, a producer and a dancer. ... 'I am a Freak of Nature,' says Anastacia." No, bitch, you're a fucking moron who couldn't even figure out that the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner were BEING DISPLAYED FOR YOU in the stadium, except that you were too goddamn stupid to turn yourself the right way. If this dumb fucker were revealed to be a mindless automation created in a sound lab I would not be surprised in the least.