by Ben » Wed Aug 21, 2002 2:17 pm
I've recently (as you may have read in your local papers) broken a 31 year precedent by beginning to have breakfast in the morning. Breakfast consists of a bowl of cereal with low-fat milk, two cups of coffee, and a glass of "Grovestand-style" orange juice.
I had been out of the "cereal game" for so long, I decided to ease my way back into it in a conservative manner, so as not to fry any long-dormant cereal-eating genes that weren't prepared for the onslaught of sugary, marshmallowy, cinnamony, small-plastic-prizey, wheaty, ricey, crunchy goodness.
I started first with Wheaties. It doesn't get much simpler than that. Unassuming wheat flakes, with Tiger Woods on the box, as if to say, "If you eat these wheat flakes, you might break 90 some time in your life." So, I enjoyed the Wheaties, but felt it was time to move onto something a little more adventurous.
Next stop: Honey Nut Cheerios. Not satisfied to settle for "ordinary" Cheerios, I took the brave step of opting for Cheerios which have a touch of honey sweetness, to brighten your morning and give you a good, healthy, sickly sweet start to the day. I *liked* Honey Nut Cheerios a great deal. A delectable sweetness permeates every bite, and unlike the aforementioned wheat flakes, they remained crunchy in the milk longer than 15 seconds!
A lot of people would have stopped right there and stuck with the "H to the N to the C" for the rest of their breakfast eating days. But you know that I'm not going to be satisfied with that. I'm an adventurer. So I adventure.
Watching the PGA Championship last weekend, a commercial came on for a cereal which I had heard of, but never really seriously considered purchasing: Honey Bunches of Oats. The people in the commercial appeared to live in Cereal Town, a place where the sun is always shining, people are always smiling, and where instead of shaking hands and hugging, the standard greeting is to hand over a large bowl of breakfast cereal. (And if you want to get into Cereal Town, you have to be white -- I should mention that.) So everyone was carrying around bowls of cereal in the sun, happily smiling and crunching away, and being white. I looked at my own skin -- Hey, I'm white! I want to be a resident of Cereal Town! So my next trip to the store, I purchased: Honey Bunches of Oats.
It's the first bite that gets you. It's crunchy, corny, oaty, sweet, nutritious (under 2% of the RDA of Vitamin C!), and basically a gigantic nuclear BLAST of morning goodness right in your face. Wow. I was floored. I was in Cereal Town. And just then, the sun broke through the clouds. Wow.
Halfway through the bowl, I decided to become a more knowledgable Honey Bunches of Oats consumer, so I grabbed the box to find out just what it is that's up in this mofo which makes it such a delightful start to your day!
1. Clusters of oats. Well, no questions there. These little asteroid-shaped morsels of excellence are surely the centerpiece, and the one part that doesn't get soggy no matter how long you leave it sitting out in milk. (Four days is the record so far at my place.)
2. "Sparkle" corn flakes. That's Post's little code-word for "corn flakes with just the right amount of sweetness". No complaints there. I love my flakes, and I love just the right amount of sweetness.
3. Toasted corn flakes. These flakes, the "sparkle" flake's more respectable, older brother, round out the experience with a solid base of pure toasted crunchy goodness. Nothing flashy here, but every cereal needs a foundation, rich in tradition and preservatives, on which to stand.
So that was it, and having run through this little crash course, I was able to enjoy the rest of the bowl that much more.
Until.
Until I ate one of those fabulous "oat clusters with just a touch of honey" by themselves. Delicious, no doubt -- but something seemed awfully familiar about it. Oh, oh, I know what it is. It tastes just a little bit like Quaker Oats cereal. That must be it. Except now that I think about it, rather than just tasting a little bit like Q-to-tha-O, it actually seems to taste *exactly* like it.
Then I glanced down at the remaining cereal in the bowl, and all of a sudden, my world came crashing down. No longer did I see a delectable mix of oat clusters (with just a touch of honey), "sparkle" flakes, and toasted corn flakes.
What I now saw, after the truth had been revealed, was an unholy (delicious) union of:
Quaker Oats (TM)
Frosted Flakes (TM)
Corn Flakes (TM)
I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I had no choice at that point. I threw down my spoon, looked up at the sky, and yelled with every last bit of energy I had left: "HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS IS JUST QUAKER OATS, FROSTED FLAKES, AND CORN FLAKES ALL MIXED TOGETHER!! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOooOooooOoooo!!!!!!!!!"
Honey Bunches of Oats: Consumer Ass-Rape.
I've recently (as you may have read in your local papers) broken a 31 year precedent by beginning to have breakfast in the morning. Breakfast consists of a bowl of cereal with low-fat milk, two cups of coffee, and a glass of "Grovestand-style" orange juice.
I had been out of the "cereal game" for so long, I decided to ease my way back into it in a conservative manner, so as not to fry any long-dormant cereal-eating genes that weren't prepared for the onslaught of sugary, marshmallowy, cinnamony, small-plastic-prizey, wheaty, ricey, crunchy goodness.
I started first with Wheaties. It doesn't get much simpler than that. Unassuming wheat flakes, with Tiger Woods on the box, as if to say, "If you eat these wheat flakes, you might break 90 some time in your life." So, I enjoyed the Wheaties, but felt it was time to move onto something a little more adventurous.
Next stop: Honey Nut Cheerios. Not satisfied to settle for "ordinary" Cheerios, I took the brave step of opting for Cheerios which have a touch of honey sweetness, to brighten your morning and give you a good, healthy, sickly sweet start to the day. I *liked* Honey Nut Cheerios a great deal. A delectable sweetness permeates every bite, and unlike the aforementioned wheat flakes, they remained crunchy in the milk longer than 15 seconds!
A lot of people would have stopped right there and stuck with the "H to the N to the C" for the rest of their breakfast eating days. But you know that I'm not going to be satisfied with that. I'm an adventurer. So I adventure.
Watching the PGA Championship last weekend, a commercial came on for a cereal which I had heard of, but never really seriously considered purchasing: Honey Bunches of Oats. The people in the commercial appeared to live in Cereal Town, a place where the sun is always shining, people are always smiling, and where instead of shaking hands and hugging, the standard greeting is to hand over a large bowl of breakfast cereal. (And if you want to get into Cereal Town, you have to be white -- I should mention that.) So everyone was carrying around bowls of cereal in the sun, happily smiling and crunching away, and being white. I looked at my own skin -- Hey, I'm white! I want to be a resident of Cereal Town! So my next trip to the store, I purchased: Honey Bunches of Oats.
It's the first bite that gets you. It's crunchy, corny, oaty, sweet, nutritious (under 2% of the RDA of Vitamin C!), and basically a gigantic nuclear BLAST of morning goodness right in your face. Wow. I was floored. I was in Cereal Town. And just then, the sun broke through the clouds. Wow.
Halfway through the bowl, I decided to become a more knowledgable Honey Bunches of Oats consumer, so I grabbed the box to find out just what it is that's up in this mofo which makes it such a delightful start to your day!
1. Clusters of oats. Well, no questions there. These little asteroid-shaped morsels of excellence are surely the centerpiece, and the one part that doesn't get soggy no matter how long you leave it sitting out in milk. (Four days is the record so far at my place.)
2. "Sparkle" corn flakes. That's Post's little code-word for "corn flakes with just the right amount of sweetness". No complaints there. I love my flakes, and I love just the right amount of sweetness.
3. Toasted corn flakes. These flakes, the "sparkle" flake's more respectable, older brother, round out the experience with a solid base of pure toasted crunchy goodness. Nothing flashy here, but every cereal needs a foundation, rich in tradition and preservatives, on which to stand.
So that was it, and having run through this little crash course, I was able to enjoy the rest of the bowl that much more.
Until.
Until I ate one of those fabulous "oat clusters with just a touch of honey" by themselves. Delicious, no doubt -- but something seemed awfully familiar about it. Oh, oh, I know what it is. It tastes just a little bit like Quaker Oats cereal. That must be it. Except now that I think about it, rather than just tasting a little bit like Q-to-tha-O, it actually seems to taste *exactly* like it.
Then I glanced down at the remaining cereal in the bowl, and all of a sudden, my world came crashing down. No longer did I see a delectable mix of oat clusters (with just a touch of honey), "sparkle" flakes, and toasted corn flakes.
What I now saw, after the truth had been revealed, was an unholy (delicious) union of:
Quaker Oats (TM)
Frosted Flakes (TM)
Corn Flakes (TM)
I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I had no choice at that point. I threw down my spoon, looked up at the sky, and yelled with every last bit of energy I had left: "HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS IS JUST QUAKER OATS, FROSTED FLAKES, AND CORN FLAKES ALL MIXED TOGETHER!! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOooOooooOoooo!!!!!!!!!"
[b]Honey Bunches of Oats: Consumer Ass-Rape.[/b]