Vitriola wrote:
* Wanna make a stir-fry? You don't need a wok! Use a normal frypan, and put it over a burner smaller than the diameter of the pan.
Of course, you won't have sloping sides, and your frying pan is probably designed to hold rather than dissipate heat. So everything's gonna come out kind of soggy. But that's OK, because....
Vitriola wrote:Use frozen vegetables in a bag, rather than spend $25 on them all separately in the produce section.
...your veggies are all soggy and English <b>anyway</b>, because you were a Cheap Shit, so it doesn't matter. You could <b>boil</b> them rather than stir-frying them and you'd never know the difference.
Vitriola wrote:* Melted peanut butter with a couple spices added makes a nice peanut sauce.
True.
Vitriola wrote:* WHY WOULD ANYONE NEED A POTATO MASHER WHEN THEY CAN USE A FORK, THEIR FIST, A HAMMER, OR A TELEPHONE BOOK TO ACHIEVE THE SAME RESULT?
Because a potato masher is like $3, and isn't as labor-intensive as a fork, or as messy as a fist, a hammer, or a phone book.
Vitriola wrote:* Just cook your rice in a goddamned saucepan already. You don't need a rice cooker, jackass.
Of course, for $30, you can have a device to which you add X cups of rice and 2X cups of water, press a button, and then come back any time more than 30 minutes later. You never have soggy rice, you never burn rice to the bottom of the pot, and you don't have to devote any attention whatsoever to how the rice is doing while you cook the interesting parts of the meal. Jackass.
Vitriola wrote:* If it's going to make the difference between trying to cook and not to be intimidated by all the fresh herbs and spices you need, just buy a few dry spices. Garlic and ginger taste almost as good from an Island Spice jar, and some spice mixtures are absolutely faboo.
If it's going to make the difference, then you're too much of a pussy to be in the kitchen. Garlic and ginger taste <b>nothing like as good</b> when dry. However, many spices are OK dry. But dry and fresh herbs often have completely different characters. It also makes a difference, if your recipe says, "dry-roast this, then crush it" if you do that versus just using the powder from the spice rack. Sometimes it's not enough of a difference to justify the extra hassle, but don't pretend that you <i>aren't</i> cutting corners, because you are.
The same goes for fresh versus canned or frozen vegetables. Don't delude yourself that it doesn't make a difference. It may, however, not make enough of a difference to be worth the extra effort. That's your call.
Vitriola wrote:* Fuck the recipe. A recipe is a good guideline for when to add ingredients or how long to cook the final product. If it says add eggplant, but you like broccoli, use that instead. If you hate onions, don't put it in. Like basil? Add some. Don't be such a mindless sheep.
On the other hand, it helps to have some basic idea of how to cook before you start doing this. Bearnaise sauce made without shallots and tarragon isn't going to be bearnaise sauce. Some things you can omit or vary with impunity. Some you can't. Experience will let you know which is which. However, amounts of ingredients can usually be varied by a factor of two either way before weird things start happening. Unless you're baking. If you're baking, exact measurements <i>do</i> count.
Vitriola wrote:* Reinvent a common, boring dish like spaghetti by simmering the jar sauce and adding a few spices like oregano, basil, onion powder, a little sugar, or add some cheese.
There you go with your onion powder again. Sheesh. Tonight, in fact, we're having pasta. With a jar sauce, because we're lazy. I'm starting by frying some sausage in a pan, and once it's releasing fat, I'm going to stir in chopped onion and garlic. Not powder.
Then I'll add the browned sausage, garlic, and onions to the sauce, toss in some spices, probably add a little balsamic vinegar, and let it simmer for a while. This will be a bazillion times better than plain old sauce-from-a-jar and take little additional effort. Chopping onions and garlic is not exactly hard. Because I'm lazy, I'm going to grate the cheese and add it to the served pasta, because cheese makes the sauce sticky and therefore makes the pot harder to clean.
This is one of those cook-almost-every-week recipes, because it's <i>easy</i> and not bad. Sure, it's cutting corners, but not every night has to be a gourmet experience.
Vitriola wrote:* Hate to cook? Have a beer, glass of wine or highball while you're in the kitchen. The only difference between a clueless futz and a sophisticate is their BAC.
Hate to cook? Then you're a fucking Philistine. Go to Macdonnoze.
That said, I heartily agree with the sentiment that you should get drunk before and during cooking.
Vitriola wrote:* You can double or halve a recipe based on how many people are there. Also, for a dinner for 2, make enough for 4. Recipes' serving sizes are similar to the serving sizes anywhere else, i.e., ridiculously minimal, and are also based on the assumption that you'll be making appetizers or side dishes. Better to have the rest as a leftover than not have enough.
Yes, except that, again, baked goods do <i>not</i> scale linearly. Well, cookies do. But not things like cakes. Cooking times for roasts pretty much <i>do</i> scale linearly with weight, but cookbooks tend to assume you're starting with the meat at room temperature, not fridge temperature. This is a good way to get salmonella if you're roasting a turkey and trusting the cookbook rather than the little pop-up thermometer.
Vitriola wrote:* The internet is your friend. Have a half can of tomato soup in the fridge, cheerios, and some soy sauce left over from the chinese you had last week? Google tomato soup +cheerios +soy +recipe and see what you get.
rec.foods.recipes is also your friend. Google carries it. This also works if, for instance, you want lamb vindaloo but don't have an Indian cookbook.
Vitriola wrote:* You don't have to be complicated. You ever see anyone turn down a plate with a steak, a potato, and a vegetable on it? Me neither. Steak is probably the easiest thing in the world to cook.
Especially if you're Vitriola, cooking steak for Jonsey, in which case you go get some old shoe leather, and bake it at 450 for about six hours. That's the way he likes it, you know.
Vitriola wrote:* Instead of 2 cups water, add a can of Campbell's chicken soup broth, and the rest water. Or, a can of broccoli cheese soup, bisque, split pea or whatever you like. A can of soup over rice with some chicken or a potato thrown in is yummy.
Also, try cooking your rice in milk, with slivered almonds thrown in.
Bruce