by Cooking For Idiots » Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:38 pm
1) Turn down the goddamned heat! It'll cook eventually but can burn in an instant, especially if you, like CFI, own a stove which can boil silver at level 2. Thicker sauces will meld to the bottom of the pan, butters and oils will burn, setting off smoke alarms like CFI's which are hardwired into the electrical circuitry so that it cannot have it's battery taken out to make that GODDAMNED PIERCING SHRIEK FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK OFF, and garlic and onions will turn black and crispy before the ones you put in .4 seconds later are even clear or cooked. Meats will be dry, veggies soggy, and milk filmed over unless you just chill the fuck out and stop trying to be Mr. Mongolian Barbeque's and Ronald McDonnoze's love child.
2) Put that goddamned butter back. It's great to use at the beginning in the bottom of the pan, but if that's all you got in your arsenal to wow your prick friends, then maybe you should realize that they're making fun of you all the time because you're a pernicious mental shortbusser and you fucking deserve it. Just like sugar, salt, garlic, and many other ingredients that your tastebuds get accustomed to after awhile, a vacation from these tastes can make you taste them anew when reintroduced. CFI used to put about 2 tablespoons of sugar into every cup of coffee, salt in soup, butter on vegetables and fishes and rice, and then, after CFI got back from that jail stint and had the first homecooked cofee, soup, and meal, well, let me tell you, this reviewer nearly gagged. Try to even sneak more than one packet of sugar into a beverage or cook a meal with butter, and that may as well have been butter served with a butter sauce, on a bed of mashed butter, accompanied by a butter garnish with a reduction of butter on top. If you want to taste butter, have toast for dinner. Otherwise, leave it the fuck where it came from.
3) Don't be a snivelling, hungover, jackass stove jockey.
1) Turn down the goddamned heat! It'll cook eventually but can burn in an instant, especially if you, like CFI, own a stove which can boil silver at level 2. Thicker sauces will meld to the bottom of the pan, butters and oils will burn, setting off smoke alarms like CFI's which are hardwired into the electrical circuitry so that it cannot have it's battery taken out to make that GODDAMNED PIERCING SHRIEK FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK OFF, and garlic and onions will turn black and crispy before the ones you put in .4 seconds later are even clear or cooked. Meats will be dry, veggies soggy, and milk filmed over unless you just chill the fuck out and stop trying to be Mr. Mongolian Barbeque's and Ronald McDonnoze's love child.
2) Put that goddamned butter back. It's great to use at the beginning in the bottom of the pan, but if that's all you got in your arsenal to wow your prick friends, then maybe you should realize that they're making fun of you all the time because you're a pernicious mental shortbusser and you fucking deserve it. Just like sugar, salt, garlic, and many other ingredients that your tastebuds get accustomed to after awhile, a vacation from these tastes can make you taste them anew when reintroduced. CFI used to put about 2 tablespoons of sugar into every cup of coffee, salt in soup, butter on vegetables and fishes and rice, and then, after CFI got back from that jail stint and had the first homecooked cofee, soup, and meal, well, let me tell you, this reviewer nearly gagged. Try to even sneak more than one packet of sugar into a beverage or cook a meal with butter, and that may as well have been butter served with a butter sauce, on a bed of mashed butter, accompanied by a butter garnish with a reduction of butter on top. If you want to taste butter, have toast for dinner. Otherwise, leave it the fuck where it came from.
3) Don't be a snivelling, hungover, jackass stove jockey.