Gerrit's To-Do List

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by bruce » Wed Jul 07, 2004 7:17 am

ChainGangGuy wrote:That's right, she's trying to steal my friends from me!
...
It's right about that time I got a phone call. From someone I hadn't expect to hear from ever again for the rest of my days. Ms. Britta P....
There's a monastery in Conyers.

At this point, I think it's your only hope.

Bruce

by ChainGangGuy » Tue Jul 06, 2004 11:51 pm

Alright, Robb, you talked me into it! Where did we leave off?

.

I'm terrible at posting drunk, so bear with me.

.

Well, the face-to-face meeting mentioned earlier did nothing but help provide me with the closure that getting dumped via AOL Instant Messenger just couldn't offer. Which I highly appreciated! End of story, right?

NO.

The ex-girlfriend has since infiltrated her way into my closest circle of friends and begun whispering dark thoughts into my friends' ears. She's already managed to sway a few people on the outer rim against me. That's right, she's trying to steal my friends from me!

Surely this wasn't the case! Who would do something like that?! Perhaps I was overreacting. That's when I received a text message from her -- she had considered bringing Tucky over to her side when she noticed her at a party last week. "But don't worry, I didn't talk to her -- this time."

This is absolutely fucking ridiculous!!

It's right about that time I got a phone call. From someone I hadn't expect to hear from ever again for the rest of my days. Ms. Britta P....

by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sat Jun 26, 2004 7:07 pm

This story needs a conclusion!

by Worm » Mon Jun 14, 2004 2:18 pm

I think you really should inform her that she is on "The Darskide" with a large Star Wars analogy, oh yeah and link to her blog.

by bruce » Mon Jun 14, 2004 12:00 pm

My prediction:

At 12:17, she will not have showed up, but you will receive a text message on your phone:

U R A J3RK. I H8 U. U R DUMPED. HEHEHE.


Bruce

by ChainGangGuy » Mon Jun 14, 2004 11:17 am

Worm wrote:
ChainGangGuy wrote:Maybe I've watched the SW trilogy too many times, but just as Luke saved his father, I too thought I could save my girl from the dark side. There is good in her!
Just, don't get your hand cut off.
Or my balls. I will not beg!

We've agreed to meet tonight at midnight. Even in an electronical age of electronical wonders, it's still rather impersonal to dump someone via AOL Instant Messenger. So, I thought meeting her face-to-face would give me an advantage. We'll see!

by Worm » Mon Jun 14, 2004 9:48 am

ChainGangGuy wrote:Maybe I've watched the SW trilogy too many times, but just as Luke saved his father, I too thought I could save my girl from the dark side. There is good in her!
Just, don't get your hand cut off.

by Lex » Mon Jun 14, 2004 1:46 am

Jonsey, have you picked a goddamn fruit in your life? It seems like all of America operates on a "Peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man, in a factory downtown" system. Please tell me this is not so.

by Debaser » Sun Jun 13, 2004 9:50 pm

Yeah, that's cranberry sauce. Cranberries are what it's made out of.

by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sun Jun 13, 2004 9:48 pm

Debaser wrote:Cranberry sauce would be much to squishy and soft to make a proper dildo, though an artificial cranberry sauce vagina would be the perfect Thanksgiving treat for the sex-starved loser in your extended family. At least it would keep their dick out of the turkey this year. Stuffing, indeed!
... OK, the world's all messed up.

What substance am I thinking of? It's burgandy. Or purple. It comes in a can. When you get it out of the can, you simply hold it upside down and then nothing happens and then suddenly... PLOP! Out it comes. In the exact dimensions of the can.

Isn't that a can of cranberries? I can't remember what the hell it's called. Thanksgiving seems like it was a lifetime away.

by Debaser » Sun Jun 13, 2004 9:40 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
Worm wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: You don't understand, Worm -- men and women can both have sex with cranberries, because they're so damn malleable. Want something to thrust into? Carve out a little bit of sweet cranberry delight? Want something to thrust into? Shape and whittle till it's just the right size. Cranberries provide delight for everyone... everyone with patience, any way.
Cranberries are too small to fuck! In the world of fruits people really only fuck watermelons, sometimes cantelopes.
Waitasec. They collect a bunch of them and mold them into a can. That's the cranberry I was talking about.
Cranberry sauce would be much to squishy and soft to make a proper dildo, though an artificial cranberry sauce vagina would be the perfect Thanksgiving treat for the sex-starved loser in your extended family. At least it would keep their dick out of the turkey this year. Stuffing, indeed!

by ChainGangGuy » Sun Jun 13, 2004 9:26 pm

bruce wrote:Um, I thought the general consensus was that you probably didn't want this girl back because she's a <i>snooty psycho hosebeast</i>.

Did I miss something?

Bruce
She wasn't always this way. Only just a month or so ago did things begin to sour. At first I thought it was just me, but then others noticed it, too.

"She hasn't been acting herself lately."

"I don't know, but she's just so overly emotional these days."

"Gerrit, she's fucking lost her mind."

Maybe I've watched the SW trilogy too many times, but just as Luke saved his father, I too thought I could save my girl from the dark side. There is good in her!

by Forum Little Buddy » Sun Jun 13, 2004 8:54 pm

bruce wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Waitasec. They collect a bunch of them and mold them into a can. That's the cranberry I was talking about.
Who's the fucktard <i>now</i>?

Bruce


Yeah!!!!!

by bruce » Sun Jun 13, 2004 8:50 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Waitasec. They collect a bunch of them and mold them into a can. That's the cranberry I was talking about.
Who's the fucktard <i>now</i>?

Bruce

by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sun Jun 13, 2004 8:46 pm

Worm wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
Worm wrote:This whole "fuckstick", "fucktard", and "bla bla made up shit" is really getting out of hand. Do you mean a member of the band? Can't we just go on back to saying "and anyone who doesn't think so is a douchebag" ?
You don't understand, Worm -- men and women can both have sex with cranberries, because they're so damn malleable. Want something to thrust into? Carve out a little bit of sweet cranberry delight? Want something to thrust into? Shape and whittle till it's just the right size. Cranberries provide delight for everyone... everyone with patience, any way.
Cranberries are too small to fuck! In the world of fruits people really only fuck watermelons, sometimes cantelopes.
Waitasec. They collect a bunch of them and mold them into a can. That's the cranberry I was talking about.

by bruce » Sun Jun 13, 2004 8:45 pm

Um, I thought the general consensus was that you probably didn't want this girl back because she's a <i>snooty psycho hosebeast</i>.

Did I miss something?

Bruce

by Debaser » Sun Jun 13, 2004 6:57 pm

Worm wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
Worm wrote:This whole "fuckstick", "fucktard", and "bla bla made up shit" is really getting out of hand. Do you mean a member of the band? Can't we just go on back to saying "and anyone who doesn't think so is a douchebag" ?
You don't understand, Worm -- men and women can both have sex with cranberries, because they're so damn malleable. Want something to thrust into? Carve out a little bit of sweet cranberry delight? Want something to thrust into? Shape and whittle till it's just the right size. Cranberries provide delight for everyone... everyone with patience, any way.
Cranberries are too small to fuck! In the world of fruits people really only fuck watermelons, sometimes cantelopes.
My assumption was that Jonsey was claiming that those who disagreed with him had tiny cocks.

by Worm » Sun Jun 13, 2004 6:46 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
Worm wrote:This whole "fuckstick", "fucktard", and "bla bla made up shit" is really getting out of hand. Do you mean a member of the band? Can't we just go on back to saying "and anyone who doesn't think so is a douchebag" ?
You don't understand, Worm -- men and women can both have sex with cranberries, because they're so damn malleable. Want something to thrust into? Carve out a little bit of sweet cranberry delight? Want something to thrust into? Shape and whittle till it's just the right size. Cranberries provide delight for everyone... everyone with patience, any way.
Cranberries are too small to fuck! In the world of fruits people really only fuck watermelons, sometimes cantelopes.

by ChainGangGuy » Sun Jun 13, 2004 5:48 pm

Vitriola wrote:You still going to Boston and then trying to wrangle a trip out west, or has Boston been completely scrapped in favor of drier climes?
I departed for Boston on May 27th. While away, I sneakily snooped in on the 'private' entries of Christina's blog. What I found shocked me! On June 1st, she wrote a termination letter. My termination letter. Interestingly enough, she dated the letter June 7th.

I had exactly one week to return from Boston and make ammends with my girl.

Right off the bat, my tripmates wanted to extend this trip from the 4th till the 8th. Unacceptable. Especially due to the fact that I couldn't get anyone to do anything! We had tight written schedules. Thoughtfully planned itineraries. Dandy dockets. Yet, I couldn't get anyone up and out the doors before 2:00 pm. "C'mon, folks, we can sleep in when we get back. Let's enjoy Boston!" I was ignored. We could barely knock out one (1) item per daily list. I found myself sitting around doing absolutely nothing. This was no trip. This was an absolute waste of time. And, I was getting dumped for it.

In an effort to lighten things up and have more fun, I thought we'd play a little Boston Hide 'n' Go Seek. It goes like this:

The hider disappears into the city, and hides within four blocks. The hider may only hide in a bar, pub, or other alcoholic beverage serving facility. The hider has fifteen minutes in which to finalize his location. The hider may not change venues, but should be actively drinking while waiting for the seekers to arrive.

The seekers separate and begin combing the city for the elusive hider. They may stop into any bar, pub, or restaurant, but if the hider isn't at that particular locale, the seeker must have at least one alcoholic beverage.

Well, you get the idea. Basically, if I couldn't be out knocking things off our to-do list, I'd like to at least be drinking.

The trip continued to go poorly, languishing into tedium, and at one point I was actually considering sneaking away and flying back to Atlanta. However, the census of Georgians voted for me to remain in Boston and not abandon the vacation. Fine. But still, there was that extended trip time and late return looming over my head. Where's the Lord when I need him?

For once, the Lord came through in a pinch, heartily smitting Alicia's uncle dead in Texas. And, as her family was hoping to download his remains into the earth asap, she had to fly to Austin immediately. She left Friday morning (the 4th). Having lost one trip member, I was able to convince the others to leave Saturday. I'd be back in time to work some magic and WIN THE GIRL BACK!

by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sun Jun 13, 2004 5:48 pm

Worm wrote:This whole "fuckstick", "fucktard", and "bla bla made up shit" is really getting out of hand. Do you mean a member of the band? Can't we just go on back to saying "and anyone who doesn't think so is a douchebag" ?
You don't understand, Worm -- men and women can both have sex with cranberries, because they're so damn malleable. Want something to thrust into? Carve out a little bit of sweet cranberry delight? Want something to thrust into? Shape and whittle till it's just the right size. Cranberries provide delight for everyone... everyone with patience, any way.

Besides, I don't know what you're getting at. The whole "add two words, one of which is a swear word" thing died out for everyone a while ago. Fuckstick gets the exception, because it cost former ESPN Sportscenter anchorman Brett Haber his job. (He refered to one of his camera people as a fuckstick while the camera was on and it snowballed from there.) Any made-up word that gets people fired and blacklisted is A-OK from me. But that's different than everything going on in my thread.

N'est ce pas?

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