Maybe we fell too far too fast.
Maybe what we've been through means nothing to you.
Maybe you should have kept what you felt inside.
Maybe I should have kept my feelings inside too.
But it wouldn't be true to say all these things.
It wouldn't be true to say these to you.

Somehow you've become the air I breathe.
Somehow you've become the thing I need.
How did you burrow yourself inside me,
to the very core of which i bleed.

I have realized for the 100th time that I will never be happy

That I cannot make myself happy
That no one else can make me happy

That I will be unhappy for the rest of my life

Someone else died. My parents are leaving tomorrow for the funeral.

Someone should stay here with me

But then again maybe not because I am in a bad mood.

I feel:
Depreciated
Lonely
Sick
Cold
Unhappy
Depressed
Crazy
Tired
Sad
Unloved


My hearts racing but its fake.
I need that feeling though, so I’ll take it however I can get it.


I’m tired of self interest.
I’m tired of people only calling when they want something from you.
Still I know that’s how it works, that’s how we all work.
That’s how I work, but I don’t want to.

I want to be happy like Mel..like what she said to me about why she didn’t want to work..thats what I want.

I want a laptop, my cell phone, and my digital camera, and I want out of here. If I were to ever start doing drugs this would be the time, I just can’t make my self do it.

I’m not spending money until Boston.
No going out to eat or buying clothes or booze even.

I’d rather have fun in Boston then here, even if its by myself.

Andy is the best new user to post here in a year and a half, and you're giving him all this shit?

For shame.

"Chane, chane, chane." - That guy on Three's Company.

Andy wrote:cars houses and incomes
atendance
buldings
jewlery
blameing
peices
weeknes
rutine
dilusional
catagories

spell check://run prompt//

You Fail.

Bad Andy

Chapter eight 8.

"the potential solution"

NO CLAIMS BEING MADE, JUST HOPES, AND POSSIBILITYS.

St. Francis, Yeshua (of course the best example), His followers, others.

We do not need to toil for money and security, we do not need cars houses and incomes, we do not need fame success or large numbers of converts or church atendance, we do not need church buldings, we do not need clothes, or fine jewlery. We only need this God that we claim is the answer, as he claims himself to be the only need we have.

-how can we offer a solution to people stuck in the system that leads to nothing when we are stuck in the same place-

-how can we blame them for blameing us and walking away from a relgion that only adds rules to the current way of life, instead of in fact offering a new way of life-

my hope is to one day fall far enough to drop my last remaining hold I have on the current dead system, to live life a different way, the way that we think he wrote to us about.

My hope is to one day have something to offer to people like me that find this world to always let down and fall short. Not a different way of going after the same peices of cheese at the ends of different mazes, but a small blanket in the grass outside of all the mazes where cheese is not needed.

Chapter nine 9.

It is for my weeknes that I am now asking forgiveness, I apologize that even now I have not taken the plunge off the edge of the cliff into the unknown so that at least.. AT LEAST, you can all stand on the edge and watch, and see what happens when I hit bottom..

this is what I soon hope to do, I only ask that you watch with an open mind, that you assume that I will hit and bounce and not get up again and you can go on with your rutine. I also ask that until I do take the plunge that you keep all this out of the front of your mind, as in, unless you really want to, dont tell me I am dumb, or blind or stupid for thinking this God is real, because I know all that could be true. Also I dont feel that I am in any place to discuss him until I have hit bottom, cause until then I am just one of the many that claims to have a claim, that still leans on 2 seperate systems to hold me up, a person that is weak and dilusional, that is full of mistakes and errors, that has done lots of wrong.. in short that really knows nothing about him except that what I do know about him is enough to make everything else here small and dull in comparison.

I have tasted enough that I am ruined for the ordinary, but not enough to jump.. stuck between 2 worlds I am a poor picture of a Man, or a follwer of this God. So if/when you judge me, do so on the basis that I have failed in both catagories and so I deserve a handicap.

spell check://run prompt//

Chapter three 3.

"the start of the book"

I have not had a stable picture perfect life, on the outside compared to those in third world countries maybe I have, inside it has been bad.

I am a perfect example to use when saying that religion is for and created in the minds of the weak, as emotionally I am weak. I am unstable, and everything about my life is great evidance that God is the crutch for screw ups and the invintion we make to get through this life. A tool to find a sense of meaning, an escape from fears and the harsh facts of life.
With a bit of boldness I will say that I dispell the thoughts that say God is for the closed minded, uncreative, right wing follwers, who crave saftey and control. I do not think this is to important though.

Chapter four 4.

"the meat of chapter three 3"

God has ruinined my life, any small bit of sanity, or rational thinking I had.. Gone. Any slight chance to go along with the norm and live a good life.. missing. White picket fence.. trampled. Being all that I can be, using all of my talents to full potential, starting the empire that people as gifted as me are bound to start.. not a chance.

WARNING: God is in the bussiness of ruining lives!

I suggest that those that are fond of this place (earth/modern life) stay away. I am not being cute, for the most part I being sincere.

I will give some examples, Great job oppertunity in LA, no more. It is directly linked to my influance from this God that I flushed that.

Great job oppertunity this past weekend after asking for such an oppertunity, AT A CHURCH OF ALL PLACES, nope. my ability to make good decisions is not present.

I could go on, I will not. Point is, my involvment with God has ruined my life (though I feel for the better).. as far as normal thinking is concerned he is the cancer that should be cut out if I stand a chance at any kind of success.

Chapter five 5.

If in fact a God is here and real and has a plan, how is it possible to think that, yet continue along with the plans set before us.

Chapter six 6.

"the book now changes for a bit"

Everything here, to a person like me, is or will in short time become boaring. I can not be acussed of not "living" I have done MUCH in the short time I have been here.. more than most. The sweet and mind numbing pill that is called booze Boaring. roller coasters, boaring. Working for money, boaring. Money, boaring. Drugs, Boaring. Sex, boaring. Being homless, boaring.
----I do not claim that these things are not fun, or nice or amussing--

I just dont see how people can stay amused by the same silly thing for so long.

The most silly of all to me is the whole pursuit of life, to get a good job and buy things and do this or that and then get old and die.
-this is the reason that I have spent large amounts of my life wanting to die, I am boared with this planet, it does not have enough for me. People are great but always let you down, outside of the simple minded folk everything that is here becomes old hat in a matter of months. I requier new, more, bigger better.. but the more of that, that I achive the more I notice It does not pay off. I am still stuck write where I was wanting to check out.
- it is the view of this union that the cause of this is that these things are not the things we were made for, BUT, things we have made to try and fill the whole, that in fact it is these things that we use as a crutch just as some do with religion-

Chapter seven 7.

"the problem"

Is that most of us that have involvment with this God still subscribe and submit to the system set up to replace Him.

I dont know how to spell ruin.. though that sees good enough.

Chapter One 1.

In some sort of subintransic form, or misinterpritation God has been blamed for saving lives, or.. perhaps making them better, or .. or other things like that (lets not get bogged down in detail just yet, we have a ways to go). In this book we are here to change some misunderstandings about God and his cause and the outcome that this cause has on those that do chose to buy into it.

sub disclaimer 1a; this book is not intended to discus weather or not this said God is in fact real or not, there have been lots of books on both sides of the subject and it is the view of this union that the best discusion on this topic is one week of silince in the woods making sure to watch every sunrise and sunset. Though I would like to get more into the details of why this is the best solution, I will spare the readers at this point.

sub list of maybe important facts 1a; we here of this union do in fact tend to think this God is real, though like many who have gone before us practice or CLAIM, we do not tend to agree with the larger portions of people that enjoy to represent him and speak to other people for him. Our stance is not against the popular stance or those who think he is not real, or those who think he is a she, or those who do not think about him, or those who call him something else.. In fact we will for all practical purposes say that we try not to be against anyone.. but because some of this text is to be read as a way that is against the way of the main crowd that is for this God, it may in fact be that in some ways we are against their way.

subset notes 1a; for now as a pre publish release this will be enough. Lets get started.

Chapter two 2.


God is real, he made the world, he has some sort of plan for it.

(we are folwing the main thoughts of the majority of those who think this type of thing)

We know what this plan is, he wrote it in a book for us, while it is true that there is more to it than we know about he did in fact give us the main important facts to follow along with.

(forgive me what I am about to say, but please permit it and let me resolve it)

We have pure motives and hearts, yet insipite of it all we practice a warped twisted version of this plan, we accept some of it as fact and excuse other parts of it as cute story to better fit our lives, we have in a sense changed what needs to changed so that this plan is updated to go along with modern times (as it is in fact a very old plan).

We some times wonder why the promises of the plan do not look the same today as they supposedly did long ago, we make many excuses for this God to the people we try to get to join us, dodging the tough questions in the relm of.. why wont he raise people from the dead now, what happened to all the great and powerful signs and displays he used to do, why is it so hard for you people to do what he asks if he is in fact so great and life changing. We try not to think of these questions.