I'm with you on this one, Jonsey. I'm all for posting a video where we all received top thrilling.

Say, Paul, will there ever be sequels to your videos or is this a one-and-done kinda deal? Like, say, a return to the omelettes but without the milk or maybe a post-crepe grill cleaning.

In High Definition, of course.

Fuck that video.

How about a video where I received top billing?

What does this "re-launch" consist of? What does that mean?

I'm re-launching Caltrops tonight (www.caltrops.com) -- we cool if I make the cheeseburger vid a featured article? All it means is that more people will see it. You'll receive full credit for the video, and I'll put in a link to your website. Thanks in advance!

pinback wrote:They still sell 70/30, what are you talking about.

Maybe they do where you live, I can't find anything above 80/20 at the store.

----
I need some motor oil.
5 W 30 or 10 W 40?
30, 40, 41, whatever works.
- Paraphrased from "Mr. Mom"

AArdvark wrote:Now I know who did the voice-over work for those health class movies back in school.


Please to do a home documentary on the life cycle of the vacuum cleaner next.

We don't have a vacuum here. Of course, some people might consider the inside of my head one.

They still sell 70/30, what are you talking about.

pinback wrote:"That's medium rare."

THINGS THAT THAT IS NOT: MEDIUM RARE

Well, whatever the fuck way it is, I happen to like a cheeseburger that's cooked on the outside and just barely cooked inside. And don't say it's not cooked inside, because if it isn't, I don't care, I like it that way. I can stand it cooked all the way through, but remember, I used to eat raw hamburger (back when it was much tastier because it was like 30% fat instead of these extra-lean things), so I happen to like raw meat.

"That's medium rare."

THINGS THAT THAT IS NOT: MEDIUM RARE

AArdvark wrote:Perhaps if you wrote some kind of screen play before the actual filming you'd have a better grasp of the whole film process. Here, I will help you...

(fade in to countertop)

This was great, I laughed so hard I practically busted a gut, and I almost said, "How the hell did you know what's going on?" How did you know about my reach extender, did I mention it or did you just guess?

You don't see too much or how often I have to cut stuff out so I don't violate YouTube's policies on not-running material with foul language in it. I can't host it there, but I'm thinking of taking some of the outtakes from my videos and putting them on a service that doesn't care, because when I get mad or frustrated I say some really crude things.

(Hey, Paul, this is your subconscious again. You think there's anything cruder than the line you posted here, "I don't care how nicely you ask I'm not going to let you suck my dick"?)

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain, again. Of course, there's this video, the "edited" version of Scarface:

[youtube][/youtube]

Leaving Elvira's entire line in this video was perfect!

Perhaps if you wrote some kind of screen play before the actual filming you'd have a better grasp of the whole film process. Here, I will help you...


(fade in to countertop)

voiceover

"Hello, I am Paul, your cheeseburger authority. Today we are going to document my favorite activity; making cheeseburgers!" (last part said with enthusiasm)

"here's what we'll need." ( list of items here)

(place item in camera frame as name is spoken)

"let's get started:

(jump cut to empty countertop)

First we take hamburger and shape it into a patty shape"

(jump cut of pile of hamburger suddenly becoming round)

then we place the hamburger roll on top to see if it's the correct size. I usually make it fifteen percent larger for shrinkage."

(while attempting to place the top half of the roll on the meat patty, the hand accidentally knocks the bun out of frame)

"Oops."

(sounds of struggling off-camera as if someone is trying to reach something but can't)

(muttered) "little bastard."

(metallic sounds of reach extender device grasping hamburger bun)

(muttered) "Gotcha!"

(hamburger bun is placed on hamburger patty. it is gripped in the claws of a reach extender device. the bun has a dark smudge and is ripped in two places)

"As you can see, this is the perfect size."

(jump cut to stove. there is a frying pan over a burner)

"First we need some fire."

(turns on burner)

"not to hot. i prefer medium heat."

"Next we use cooking spray.:

(can of spray is seen in frame. as soon as cooking spray hits hot pan and burner a grease fire starts)

(cry of alarm) "Aaaaaa!"

(sound of motorized wheelchair growing distant. A pause then various clattering noises. Aanother pause then sound of wheelchair coming closer. Nozzle of fire extinguisher is seen in foreground of frame. several passes and the fire is out. there is white extinguisher powder all over the stove and pan)

"crap!"

-----------------------
To be contimued soonest

I want the grainy, unstable Zapruder-like omlette video!



THE
TDR SHOT THE PRESIDENT!
AARDVARK

PLEASE release the omlette footage. And if you are looking for encouragement for the waffle one - ** THIS IS IT **

MORE TDR FOOD-RELATED VIDEOS PLZ

AArdvark wrote:

this video was shot on February 19

So you sat on that footage for a month.

I was doing a different video and discovered the raw footage of this cooking experiment. I have a year-old video of me making waffles, I no longer even have the waffle iron. I'm thinking of buying another one, they're only around $30 at Target. They also sell flat grill plates for $30.

AArdvark wrote:Well, I hope 'Cheeseburger of Numbing Death' goes viral for you. I'll post it on my Facebook to get it started....


THE
KICKSTART
AARDVARK

As I noted to Pinback, I still have my omelette footage I need to release.

this video was shot on February 19

So you sat on that footage for a month.

Well, I hope 'Cheeseburger of Numbing Death' goes viral for you. I'll post it on my Facebook to get it started....


THE
KICKSTART
AARDVARK

pinback wrote:That burger was fucking raw in the middle, dude. That cheese wasn't even melted, dude.
Dude.

Well, you cook yours the way you want them, I cook them the way I want them, and I like them raw inside. Besides, I can't really get the cheese to melt unless I cover the pan, which I can't do when I'm doing a video.

Beyond that, I don't leave meat out, I pull it straight out of the refrigerator, cook it cold and put the rest back. I think we get contamination problems from people leaving meat out, not keeping it in the fridge, and more than anything else, not washing their hands after they go to the bathroom. I always wash after disposing of #2 diesel.

Besides, I just thought of something else. You're supposed to wash your hands before making meals, but you're handling raw meat, wouldn't there be bacteria on your hands and unless you washed them after you fixed the food, wouldn't you then carry the bacteria back onto the cooked food?

That burger was fucking raw in the middle, dude. That cheese wasn't even melted, dude.

Dude.

Flack wrote:Summary:
01. Remove raw hamburger meat, full of parasites and bacteria before cooking, from its package.
02. Place your hamburger bun directly on top of the raw meat, potentially transferring parasites and bacteria to the bread.
03. Eat a bacteria-ridden hamburger IN HIGH DEFINITION.

The meat just came out of a refrigerator at 35 degrees. But you're right, in fact I didn't let the raw meat touch the plate because of cross-contamination. I wasn't thinking of that. But hey, I used to eat raw hamburger when I was a kid all the time.

(Voice offscreen) But TDR, aren't you crippled?
Shut up, that has nothing to do with this! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Besides, this video was shot on February 19, (I had to go look up the raw files) and I'm sure I ate it right then; if something was wrong I'd have gotten sick or be dead already.

pinback wrote:CAN'T BE UNSEEN, CAN'T BE UNSEEN.

"It's so tender, it cuts with a knife."

Yeah, I know, I meant to say "butter knife".