Chickens: They're cheap, delicious, and have no souls. Nothing says "comfort home cooking" like a young, fresh, hot, sexy chicken in the oven. But let's face it, you have no idea how to roast a goddamn chicken! It either comes out raw or dry, or you use that pathetic little plastic "pop-up" thing to tell you when to take it out of the oven. Weak, dude.

I'm here to tell you HOW TO DO IT, though. One delicious, tender, fall-off-the-bone chicken COMING UP:

INGREDIENTS
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- A CHICKEN (around four pounds will do nicely)
- SALT AND PEPPER
- SOME SPICES, MAYBE (suggested: paprika, thyme, garlic powder, cayenne, whatever)
- AN ONION, MAYBE
- SOME LIMES, MAYBE
- LIKE SIX FUCKING HOURS

DIRECTIONS
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1. Take your chicken, wash it a little, pat it dry!
2. Rub all over with the salt, pepper, and any spices you decided on (optional!)
3. Cut an onion into quarters and shove it into the bird's CAVITY (optional!)
4. Cut up some limes and put 'em into the CAVITY (optional!)
5. Preheat the oven to like 250-275, put the chicken on a roasting rack, put it in the oven, and let it cook for like FIVE OR SIX HOURS, until the skin is all nice and browned, and the meat is so tender that the entire internal structure of the bird is in danger of just collapsing right there in oven!
6. Take the bird out, let it sit for a couple minutes, and then GO TO TOWN!!!!

You'll never ROAST A BIRD another way again!