"Damn these eggs. Damn all the eggs in the world."
- Sidney Poitier, [i]A Raisin In the Sun[/i]

[quote="Ice Cream Jonsey"]When I decide to make scrambled eggs, I've already resigned myself to a horrible day.[/quote]

If this means to you that there's a horrible day in store, you're doing something terribly, terribly wrong:

[img]http://nomango.com/egg.jpg[/img]

BEN'S FAMOUS SCRAMBLED EGGS. I love 'em, myself! Throw a little green chile and/or hot sauce on there? Christ, what is ICJ complaining about THIS time?

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Crack two eggs into a bowl.
Add a pinch of salt.
Mix 'em all up.
Heat up a pan on 6 out of 10.
Add 1/2 tablespoon butter, swirl to coat.
Add eggs to pan.

- STIR CONTINUOUSLY AND VIGOROUSLY for about 30-45 seconds until almost set. Here is where I do think a lot of people "go wrong", which is that they heard "you let it set, and then pull the sides in to allow the runny parts to fill in the pan, etc. etc." That is a correct method for an OMELET. But we're not making an OMELET, we're SCRAMBLING SOME FUCKIN' EGGS, and if you want SCRAMBLED FUCKIN' EGGS, you better get in there and SCRAMBLE THEM FUCKIN' EGGS. Otherwise you get a "chopped omelet". And nobody wants that.

- When almost set, stop stirring and allow to set the rest of the way. Otherwise your eggs will break into pieces, and you'll have a pile of egg pieces, rather than a YELLOW FLUFFY CLOUD OF EGGS.

That's it. And they're very good. No milk. No oil. No water. Butter, eggs, salt, and about 30-45 seconds of effort.

Fuck all y'all.

When I decide to make scrambled eggs, I've already resigned myself to a horrible day. I even order them scrambled at real diners now. I just don't give a shit any more.

All the things I've ever read about making them is also at loggerheads with each other. "Use milk." "Don't use milk." "Use oil." "Use oil and milk." "Weigh the chair."

I CANT DO IT. And now some bitch is sitting there with a whisking agent for more time than it takes to beat off much less eggs. Fucking Yahoo.

Holy shit that is retarded.

Now, there are a few STYLES of scrambled eggs, but only actual assholes make the french double-boiler method. If you want to feel fancy, do a soft-scramble by pulling the pan off the heat when the eggs start to set, stir, then put it back on. takes like maybe 90 seconds.

[url]http://www.seriouseats.com/2015/05/how-to-make-scrambled-eggs.html[/url]

Everyone knows that Yahoo is the worst site on the internet for news content and racist idiot commenters, but did you also know it is the dumbest cooking site possible?

Today's might be the dumbest article yet, and it starts before the article even begins, with one of the greatest clickbait lines I've seen lately:

"FAST, CREAMY SCRAMBLED EGGS: Usually it takes 15 minutes or more of constant stirring, but here's how to whip them up in 15 seconds. Try the 'magic' recipe »"

Oh, that sounds good, a nice way to save some ti--- UHHWHHAAAAAA??

https://www.yahoo.com/food/the-genius-trick-for-magically-creamy-scrambled-120694911349.html

My favorite part of this, and this will definitely keep me smiling all day, is the image of this author BEFORE she found this "magic recipe", stirring away furiously at scrambled goddamn eggs every morning for fifteen minutes with her hungry kids screaming in the background and her neighbors looking in the window rolling their eyes saying "there she goes with those eggs again", while on and on she stirs, yelling "THEY'RE NOT CREAMY YET!! ELEVEN MORE MINUTES!!!!"

I'm all about doing things right in the kitchen, but if it takes you longer than, what? 45 seconds? To make scrambled eggs? That's... that's not right.