For those of you who are interested in following this serial (which I am strenuously hoping is none of you, because you're all too busy going out getting girls pregnant and wrecking automobiles), I installed all the latest video drivers and BIOS shit for my laptop, and the Rise of Nations lockup problem seems (AOL keyword: SEEMS) to have been alleviated.

I'm now fairly confident in stating that RoN (as "we in the business" call it) is, by a factor of several million, the finest work of art ever to be created by man, since he first crawled from the primordial ooze, looked upon the heavens, and invented the six-pack.

Of course, now that it's working, it's unlikely I'll ever play it again, but I mean, I can see how it COULD be really awesome, if you enjoyed computer games.

Which I don't.

Well obviously RTS is a genre best done on computer. If you're going to be constantly clicking through 4 context menus to do one thing it's kind of clunky on a controller. You can make the menus the analog sticks but then you keep being reminded how much RTS sucks. I don't want to see a little guy on the screen attack another little guy because I told him to; I want to BE that guy.

All I'm saying is a console does not lock up every ten minutes and not respond to save commands.

I'm absolutely sick of it. I know there's a whole range of hardware possibilities that the devs have to cater to but EVERY computer game I've tried in the last few years I need to wrestle with and I'm simply not having it any more. The most satisfying computer gaming experience I've had recently is uninstalling Max Payne 2 and both of the GTA games from my PC and freeing some space to download more Xbox games.
I'm a big proponent of playing the best version possible of a game - and like with Max Payne 2, the controls aren't as precise as with a mouse and the graphics aren't as sharp as my GF4. But, it doesn't freeze, doesn't skip on the cutscenes, and the game doesn't need razor sharp control because of the way they implemented bullet time. The GTA games are just plain BETTER for Xbox so I had no qualms uninstalling them. I've been storming through GTA3 and can't wait to get to VC. I've made it farther in GTA3 on Xbox than on PS2 or PC. Because it's actually fun and comfortable now. I don't have the patience to sit at my PC and finish a game. Especially when it's crapping out all the time and halfway through the game a new patch is released which makes me unable to load my save game.

Isn't it worth it to come home after a long day and just pop in a game and have it work?? I fuck with PC's ALL DAY LONG at work and I don't want to fuck with mine when I get home.

Hey JACK. Help me out a little. Which consoles are Rise of Nations available for?

Is it an old Colecovision cartridge? If so, I'll check with RobB.

Mother FUCKER. This is unbelievable.

I finally find an RTS I can really love -- hell, a COMPUTER GAME I can really love, after years of searching (not counting Counter Strike or Flight Simulator), and the motherfucker continues to lock up my beautiful Dell laptop every ten minutes, causing me to have to hit "save" every three seconds, which, since the game is so engrossing and fun, I eventually forget to keep doing, so that when it finally does lock up, I scream, "Darn!!" and frantically hit the "save" hotkey, hoping against hope it will work (which it doesn't.)

I think it's safe to say that this, beyond all else, is the worst thing to ever happen in the universe.

DAMMIT.

Anyway, if you can get a computer which runs the program without exploding, it's probably the best game of all time, except for Counter Strike. And Flight Simulator. And Asteroids. Well, and the original Half-Life, of course.

Oh, and maybe that touch-screen thing at the bar which if you match up the tiles they go away and reveal a naked lady underneath.

pinback wrote: Tutorials locked up when I was in the goddamn middle of it: One.

insert stereotypical console love comment here

It's hard to follow one of your reviews these days if it doesn't include a scale of Whimpering maggots.

Game Name: Rise of Nations
Game Price: $19.95, Circuit City, Myrtle Beach, SC.
Game Age: Like, way old.
Game Smell: Cardboardy.

Short Description: RTS Civilization.
Long Description: A Real Time Strategy version of the game Civilization.

Benefits over the game Civilization: Takes less than three weeks to play a single goddamn game.

Unbenefits under the game Civilization: Must press button very fast. FUCK!! What should I invent in the next three seconds, the theory of flight or molecular genetics!??!

Tutorials played: All.

Tutorials locked up when I was in the goddamn middle of it: One.

Full games played: One.
Time taken playing full game: 50 minutes.
Skill level played at: "Easiest".
Result: Win!

Chance will ever play again: 20%.

Cat sitting on game box: Yes.