by pinback » Wed Feb 23, 2005 10:25 am
As any random person off the street with no job, no love life, and little else to get them out of bed other than the prospect of eating, drinking, and occasionally yankin' the old Wonder Weasel will tell you, a life without hot sauce... well sir, that's no life at all.
But, you are asking, while beginning a sentence with the word "but", which is technically incorrect, what are the three best hot sauces in the world? Good Christ, you must be happy to see me show up, because I've tasted hundreds of hot sauces, from all corners of the world, including Miami, Oregon, Arizona, and that place what sells the fresh milk up Longmont way. Therefore I -- and only I -- am prepared to tell you what the three best hot sauces in the world are.
Now, I'll come straight with ya right now. This list is going to shock you. I mean, you know me. Culinary elitist. Thinks his fish sauce don't stink. Won't eat anything that wasn't purchased from a store where a bunch of foreigners are walking around screaming at each other while several small children are left trampled and bleeding underneath the moong bean shelf. But here's the thing:
The greatest three hot sauces in the world are available in mass quantities in every single grocery store in the land.
They're all pumped out, gallon by gallon, ton by ton, by large, faceless corporations who care about as much about your happiness as a consumer as they care about the price of tea in China, or the well-being of their own bastard children.
And they're fantastic. So, let's begin the adventure into capsaicistic ecstacy with...
The Third Best Hot Sauce In The World: Tabasco
It is all too easy to brush off Tabasco as being the Budweiser of hot sauces. But in truth, it is the Guinness of hot sauces. Available everywhere. Produced in bewildering quantities. And the very best of its kind anywhere in the land. But that's the thing. As hot sauces have proliferated exponentially in the past decade, hundreds upon hundreds of new sauces are released into the open market every year, and the thing is, not one of them would ever be confused with Tabasco. Not one of them is even close. Tabasco is an unmistakeable taste, with an unmistakeable aroma, an experience like no other. And it's really, really good. Its over-the-top saltiness and vinegary qualities lessen its usefulness as a straight condiment, but this is more than compensated by its usefulness in cooking, in which it is absolutely unparalleled. Most recipes call for an element to add salt and brightness, and another to add acidity and backbone. Magically, Tabasco provides both of these in positively effusive quantities, and that's before you even get to the spicy kick of the aged tabasco peppers. I am never, ever without Tabasco in any kitchen I cook in. It sits right next to the salt bowl, and is nearly as indispensable.
The Second Best Hot Sauce In The World: Tabasco Habanero
My disappointment with Tabasco's decision to sell out and start branching out, hopping on the marketing train, and creating trendy new sauces for douchebag consumers like me, lasted exactly as long as it took me to walk from the cashier to my car, open it up, and take a swig. A stunning experience. Habanero sauces are really my home turf, but this was an entirely new experience. Blisteringly hot, but with a depth, sweetness, and balance which I hadn't found in any other sauce I'd ever tried. Then I looked at the ingredient list. Mangos? Bananas? Papayas? Tamarind? Jesus, it's a tsunami of tropical flavors! And of course, for good measure, Tabasco sauce itself is an ingredient, giving a nice little nod to the Master Recipe. This one works better as a condiment than the Classic, but no whimpering maggots need apply, because unless you start delving into extract-infused sauces, this is just about as hot as you're likely to find. Amazingly, though, through the heat, that fantastic range of flavor still shines brightly. An absolute masterpiece. I've tried all of Tabasco's other sauces, and they're all wonderful, but the Habanero is far and away the winner. God Bless You, McIlhenny Co. God Bless You, Avery Island, LA.
And finally...
The Best Hot Sauce In The World: Cholula
Would it still be the best if it didn't have the cute little wooden cap? Hard to say. But it's moot, because the cap is there, and it's just the beginning of the Cholula experience. Let's get this straight. When I die, I want to be buried in a coffin filled with Cholula. And I want to have died by drowning in an industrial vat of Cholula. After having my last meal, a cheese enchilada covered in Cholula. For some reason, Cholula seems to be located in the grocery store in the "Mexican" section, far away from the other hot sauces, and sitting right next to its arch enemy, Tapatio. Rather than trying to wax poetic about the many, many superlative, unmatched qualities of Cholula, I simply implore you to pick up a bottle of Cholula, and a bottle of Tapatio, and do a little taste test for yourself. That will tell you all you need to know. You'll notice that Tapatio is much much cheaper than Cholula, and without first-hand knowledge, it would be hard to convince yourself, a smart shopper, that the wooden cap would really be worth all the extra money. But try my little experiment. You'll discover two things; 1) that Cholula is much, much better than Tapatio, and 2) that Cholula is much, much better than every other goddamn thing in the entire grocery store. To wit: as much as I love the aforementioned Tabascos, as well as plenty of other hot sauces, I never buy them in larger quantities than the regular 2- or 5-oz bottles. Cholula, I go for the big one. And it gets used faster than all the others combined. A meal without Cholula? Might as well take a dump on a plate and suck it up with a straw. And I do love the wooden cap, a lot.
Well, there you have it. The three best hot sauces in the world. This is sure to spark a lot of "saucy" debates, some of which will no doubt get a little "heated", but I think this place is in dire need of some "spicy" dialogue. So let's "pepper" things up, and talk a little hot sauce!
As any random person off the street with no job, no love life, and little else to get them out of bed other than the prospect of eating, drinking, and occasionally yankin' the old Wonder Weasel will tell you, a life without hot sauce... well sir, that's no life at all.
But, you are asking, while beginning a sentence with the word "but", which is technically incorrect, what are the [i]three best hot sauces in the world?[/i] Good Christ, you must be happy to see me show up, because I've tasted hundreds of hot sauces, from all corners of the world, including Miami, Oregon, Arizona, and that place what sells the fresh milk up Longmont way. Therefore I -- and [i]only[/i] I -- am prepared to tell you what the three best hot sauces in the world are.
Now, I'll come straight with ya right now. This list is going to shock you. I mean, you know me. Culinary elitist. Thinks his fish sauce don't stink. Won't eat anything that wasn't purchased from a store where a bunch of foreigners are walking around screaming at each other while several small children are left trampled and bleeding underneath the [i]moong bean[/i] shelf. But here's the thing:
The greatest three hot sauces in the world are available in mass quantities in every single grocery store in the land.
They're all pumped out, gallon by gallon, ton by ton, by large, faceless corporations who care about as much about your happiness as a consumer as they care about the price of tea in China, or the well-being of their own bastard children.
And they're fantastic. So, let's begin the adventure into capsaicistic ecstacy with...
[b]The Third Best Hot Sauce In The World: [color=yellow][i]Tabasco[/i][/color][/b]
It is all too easy to brush off Tabasco as being the Budweiser of hot sauces. But in truth, it is the Guinness of hot sauces. Available everywhere. Produced in bewildering quantities. And the very best of its kind anywhere in the land. But that's the thing. As hot sauces have proliferated exponentially in the past decade, hundreds upon hundreds of new sauces are released into the open market every year, and the thing is, not one of them would ever be confused with Tabasco. Not one of them is even close. Tabasco is an unmistakeable taste, with an unmistakeable aroma, an experience like no other. And it's really, really good. Its over-the-top saltiness and vinegary qualities lessen its usefulness as a straight condiment, but this is more than compensated by its usefulness in cooking, in which it is absolutely unparalleled. Most recipes call for an element to add salt and brightness, and another to add acidity and backbone. Magically, Tabasco provides both of these in positively effusive quantities, and that's before you even get to the spicy kick of the aged tabasco peppers. I am never, ever without Tabasco in any kitchen I cook in. It sits right next to the salt bowl, and is nearly as indispensable.
[b]The Second Best Hot Sauce In The World: [color=yellow][i]Tabasco Habanero[/i][/color][/b]
My disappointment with Tabasco's decision to [i]sell out[/i] and start branching out, hopping on the marketing train, and creating trendy new sauces for douchebag consumers like me, lasted exactly as long as it took me to walk from the cashier to my car, open it up, and take a swig. A stunning experience. Habanero sauces are really my home turf, but this was an entirely new experience. Blisteringly hot, but with a depth, sweetness, and balance which I hadn't found in any other sauce I'd ever tried. Then I looked at the ingredient list. Mangos? Bananas? Papayas? Tamarind? Jesus, it's a tsunami of tropical flavors! And of course, for good measure, Tabasco sauce itself is an ingredient, giving a nice little nod to the Master Recipe. This one works better as a condiment than the Classic, but no whimpering maggots need apply, because unless you start delving into extract-infused sauces, this is just about as hot as you're likely to find. Amazingly, though, through the heat, that fantastic range of flavor still shines brightly. An absolute masterpiece. I've tried all of Tabasco's other sauces, and they're all wonderful, but the Habanero is far and away the winner. God Bless You, McIlhenny Co. God Bless You, Avery Island, LA.
And finally...
[b]The Best Hot Sauce In The World: [color=yellow][i]Cholula[/i][/color][/b]
Would it still be the best if it didn't have the cute little wooden cap? Hard to say. But it's moot, because the cap is there, and it's just the beginning of the Cholula experience. Let's get this straight. When I die, I want to be buried in a coffin filled with Cholula. And I want to have died by drowning in an industrial vat of Cholula. After having my last meal, a cheese enchilada covered in Cholula. For some reason, Cholula seems to be located in the grocery store in the "Mexican" section, far away from the other hot sauces, and sitting right next to its arch enemy, Tapatio. Rather than trying to wax poetic about the many, [i]many[/i] superlative, unmatched qualities of Cholula, I simply implore you to pick up a bottle of Cholula, and a bottle of Tapatio, and do a little taste test for yourself. That will tell you all you need to know. You'll notice that Tapatio is much much cheaper than Cholula, and without first-hand knowledge, it would be hard to convince yourself, a smart shopper, that the wooden cap would really be worth all the extra money. But try my little experiment. You'll discover two things; 1) that Cholula is much, much better than Tapatio, and 2) that Cholula is much, much better than every other goddamn thing in the entire grocery store. To wit: as much as I love the aforementioned Tabascos, as well as plenty of other hot sauces, I never buy them in larger quantities than the regular 2- or 5-oz bottles. Cholula, I go for the big one. And it gets used faster than all the others combined. A meal without Cholula? Might as well take a dump on a plate and suck it up with a straw. And I do love the wooden cap, a lot.
Well, there you have it. The three best hot sauces in the world. This is sure to spark a lot of "saucy" debates, some of which will no doubt get a little "heated", but I think this place is in dire need of some "spicy" dialogue. So let's "pepper" things up, and talk a little [i]hot sauce[/i]!