BATTLE REALMS

Oh.. You've obviously never heard of Battle Realms, the game a nobody map maker from Blizzard commented on abouthow well "That game goes under my foot. Here I am, grinding into the ground"

While I wasted a summer away locked in what amounted to a closet, trying to ignore my insane grandparents and abusive uncles while slowly falling into the throes of a dark depression that consisted of me blaming myself for my misfortune, I had the chance to sit down and play this glorious game.

Battle Realms had the hero concept before Blizzard blatantly ripped it off in Warcraft III, and which the developers of BR (short for Battle Realms because I'm assuming that, you know, are a fucken moron who can't understand shorthand) ripped off from some other game that started with Magic or War or something.

Regardless, BR (Battle Realms, stupid) did little with this concept, having shitty ingame story scenes that consisted of glitchy, woody, and jittery 2d sprites walk across a poorly drawn bridge to bitch about how the Worm Queen or whatever did something bad to them.

Story was about as original as any stupid Warcraft, Harry Potter, or whatever game/book/whatever because ya know, mixing elements of LoTR (Lord of the Rings, retard) and every cheap ass fantasy element hasn't been patented yet. Oh look! ORCS! Walking Trees! Oh wow! Thats interesting and hasn't been beaten to death!

Game involves making generic unit, upgrading at a building to another unit (archers, warriors, etc, etc) and heros are only so because they have NAMES.

Best part of the game? I download the hacked copy while I was freeloading on my stupid uncles wireless network. Bitch at me when I remove Bonzai buddy from your computer ya fucken moron.

Oh.. And the game is Asian as far as throwing Samurais and all that Asian shit into a game makes anything Asian. McDonalds serves Tofu now.. My God, the Nips are taking over our prized American corporations!

After I finished this waste of my life, I finished Return of the King, proving how much of a dork I am.

Salutations fuckers!

Tribal Trouble

The demo has little to offer other than the first few tutorial missions ("how to move guys from A to B") and an uber-easy sample skirmish mission, but based on the strength of that experience, I'm fairly certain I can pronounce Tribal Trouble:

THE GREATEST GAME OF ALL TIME!

Rather, as Outpost Kaloki took the "Tycoon" concept and boiled it down to its essence, while removing all the bullshit and putting in a bunch of cute stuff, Tribal Trouble takes the RTS genre, boils it down to its essence, and removes all the bullshit, while presenting you with an environment which very closely resembles my apartment, or at least what I'd imagine it was, if it wasn't constrained to 900 square feet. Palm trees, beaches, and MAGIC CHICKENS. (The MAGIC CHICKENS are a major part of the strategy, but not included in the demo.)

Check it out. An RTS with a total of THREE possible buildings to build. The "build more guys" building. The "turn guys into warriors" building. The "fire shit at approaching armies" building (not included in demo.) That's really all there is, isn't it? There's no "build this one so you can build this one so you can build this unit" bullshit, which does nothing but encourage pasty-faced 13-year old dickwads to download build orders from their dorkwad fathers' websites.

Along that same theme, there are four dudes you can have. Regular Dude. Rock-Throwing Dude. Iron-Spear-Throwing Dude (not featured) and Magic Chicken Dude (not featured, due to the lack of Magic Chickens in the demo.) That's IT. No BULLSHIT.

So, I like that. I also like that the graphics are clean, crisp, smooth, and feature swaying palm trees better than Far Cry does.

In summation. Tribal Trouble is the greatest computer-oriented game that has ever existed, and that will ever exist until the Earth's orbit decays into the sun.

Thank you.