I heard a little bit of the ... well, speech is what you'd call it, I guess. It was hilarious. There's a price to pay if you try to get your kids into sports by the age of two, and the price is that kid will be utterly unable to cope or exist in social settings for its natural life.

Maybe in HELL Tiger Woods can come off as genuine.

Hahah, he wants the press to leave his kids alone! ELIN DESERVES PRAISE (for not beating the shit out of me). Ha, ha ha!

Look, my favorite sports guy of all-time is a fairly terrible parent, so I am not going for the moral high ground here, and I know Tiger Woods is (was?) my Internet comedy partner's favorite sports dude. I want to be able to laugh and laugh and laugh at Woods's social autism without making any enemies here.

Just - how big of a whore do you have to be to sleep with Tiger Woods casually? I mean, his wife, fine - she found qualities in him that appealed to her, I guess. But it's not like you get a hundred million bucks for fucking the guy. Nothing I've ever heard him say has been even marginally funny, witty, intelligent or interesting. Good job banging the shit out of the largest dork in California, I guess.

[b]Tam[/b]: This is 1480 WKZ-AM, Zenith, and I'm Tam O'Shanter with the O'Shanterbury Tales. Dead men may tell no tales, but I know where the bodies are buried! Where we don't listen to Rush Limbaugh because he's too liberal, and we think Fox News should be investigated as part of the vast left-wing conspiracy. We'll take your calls at 1-800-444-4444. And it's Michael from Zenith Heights, you're on the air!
[b]Michael[/b]: Uh, hello?
[b]Tam[/b]: Yes, you're on the air, go ahead.
[b]Michael[/b]: Am I on the air?
[b]Tam[/b]: Sorry, [sound of toilet flushing] I have to avoid stupidity, let's go to our next caller. It's David from Mohalis.
[b]David[/b]: Hi Tam, I just wanted to mention that they're going to have Tiger Woods on TV Friday, apparently he's going to talk about all the things he's done.
[b]Tam[/b]: Yeah, I heard that, too.
[b]David[/b]: I'm hoping he'll come clean about everything, and admit to the murders he committed.
[b]Tam[/b]: What are you talking about?
[b]David[/b]: Well, you know he killed his ex-wife and her boyfriend, and...
[b]Tam[/b]: No, no, no, that was O.J. Simpson. Tiger Woods is a golfer who got caught with his pants down with a bunch of other women than his wife.
[b]David[/b]: Oh, I see. I always have trouble with guys like that, they all look the same to me.
[b]Tam[/b]: Well, [sound effect of garbage truck cycling] it's time to take out the trash! Let's go to another caller. This is Marie from Zenith. You're on the air.
[b]Marie[/b]: Tam, I don't know if you remember me, I met you a couple of weeks ago at the park.
[b]Tam[/b]: Oh yes, I remember now.
[b]Marie[/b]: I certainly hope you do, you bastard! You knocked me up, you son-of-a-bitch!
[b]Tam[/b]: Uh, we'll go to a commercial and I'll be back in a moment.