Adventures in medicine

[Tdarcos]

This thread will discuss medical procedures and treatments. If frank discussion of medical issues disturbs you, exit now!






I'm going to talk about my conditions which I did not normally in order to bring eveeryone up to speed. I can ignore almost everything before my leg was amputated as I've already discussed that.

One problem I've had for 2 or 3 years is a condition called phimosis. Since 100% of the audience owns one, I don't have to explain what a penis looks like. Pimosis is a condition where the foreskin does not retract from the head of the penis in uncircumsized men. In circumcised men such as myself the head collapses into the shaft, creating a covered head. This makes intercourse impossible, masturbation very difficult if even possible, and, in my case, required me to pee in cups as I could not pee in a wall urinal or toilet unless I was sitting in it.

I had phimosis about six years ago, it persisted for a while, then reversed. Of course, now being able to "say hello to my little friend," we decided to party a bit. Eventually the phimosis came back. even trying to expose the head becomes very painful. it was that way going on three years.

Since I can't move, it means I have to wear a diaper for capturing bodily waste as other systems to capture urine require the head of the penis to be exposed (with one exception).

Having explained pimosis, I'll explain the next part in the next part.

[Tdarcos]

Now, at the time my leg was removed I was switched from simply peeing in my diaper and having them change me multiple times daily, to having a catheter inserted in me. The catheter is about the thickness of a piece of spaghetti, probably about 6 inches long, and is inserted into the penis by pushing it through the opening in the head and continuing through the middle (urethra) until it reaches the bladder. As you might guess, sticking a hose up your dick is not going to be a pleasant experience, however, once the catheter is inserted it can't be felt; it's undetectable unless there's a problem. Essentially it triggers the bladder to release automatically, requiring no conscious effort to pee.

The catheter collects the liquid into a bag, called a "foley," which must be emptied, at least a couple times a day. There are a number of problems that can cause the catheter to become uncomfortable or painful. These include shifting of the outside exit hose; urinary tract infection; or the foley being full. I'll explain these.

Shifting of the outside exit hose. The hose that runs from the penis outside to the catheter generally must run at a 0° angle straight out of the tip of the penis. It connects to a larger hose which carries the urine to the foley. If the connector slips down my leg, it can then pull the catheter down to be at a 90° angle. I suppose what happens next is that the catheter inside my penis is pulled to the side, causing discomfort (or pain).

Urinary tract infection. Having a plastic tube stuck down your dick is not necessarily a pleasant experience if problems occur. Probably the worst problem is if they don't change the catheter often enough. This is supposed to be done about every two months to prevent infection. Apparently if it stays in too long it can cause an infection. In such a case, whenever you pee, you get a real burning sensation and pain. When it happened to me, I was reminded of the line from the movie "The Godfather Part Two" where Hyman Roth says, "I'd give a $1,000,000 if I could take a piss without it hurting."

Foley being full. The hose drains the catheter into the foley, a plastic bag which must be emptied as often as the person could generate, say, a liter or two of liquid. If the bag gets too full, urine backs up or empties onto the floor. This also causes pain when one has to urinate, which stops once the bag is emptied (the pain, not the urine flow). The folely is drained by removing the cap and emptying it into a portable container, usually a urinal, but, if necessary, a styrofoam cup can be used (if it was fished out of a wastebashket, for example). That is then dumped into the toilet.

[Tdarcos]

So now I can get to the whole point of this thread. I have been de-catheterized. And I no longer have phimosis.

While I'm not complaining, I'm not sure why they have removed the catheter. Weird thing was, it just felt strange for two seconds and that was it. Now I'm back to peeing into the diaper. The first night I didn't have a catheter an aide came looking for the folely and I explained I no longer have it.

The (I can't remember the exact term) "preta-phimosis" (the term I asked a doctor about and I thionk that's what he said, meaningt reversal of phimosis) happened either just before or during quarantine. Because I have lost a lot of weight (in my gut) I could actually see my penis. So I was able to notice that the head had returned. So, again, I tried to "say hello to my little friend" only it doesn't work. Not sure if the catheter interferes with things, I lack sufficient dexterity in mmy hands, or, that the infection has damaged that, too.

Well, beyond that, I've been impotent for years, I don't think I've had an erection since before Windows 95 came out.

So now, if you've read this far, you know all of my deepest, darkest secrets.

[Jizaboz]

Catheter, oh how I hate thee.

I had one inserted in me by some dude who hummed to himself the whole time that one time and only time I went to the hospital for a drug OD scare; trying DXM because an idiot old friend offered it. At first I did not feel it. Then it it was like a burning piss sensation. After he took it out, I felt like I was still pissing and the end of my junk hurt really bad. For like 20 minutes it felt like but my sense of time that night/day was all fuct up.

Hopefully in the future we get this shit down to a more comfortable science.

[The Happiness Engine]

Huh, In my time with DXM I never ended up with a catheter and I did once end up in the hospital. I think that need more context.

[Jizaboz]

Huh, In my time with DXM I never ended up with a catheter and I did once end up in the hospital. I think that need more context.

Took way too much in powder form and found out I was allergic. Could not speak and turned blue and shit so 911 was called. I was only 18 at the time.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

This thread is in the public base by the by.

[Jizaboz]

This thread is in the public base by the by.

Again, I was only 18 at the time LOL. I don't care if it is public record but, thanks for the reminder if anything for the benefit of anyone else who may add to this.

That episode right there set me straight! Say no to drugs, kids!

[Billy Mays]

bring eveeryone up to speed...penis

ICJ has been waiting patiently for 3 years now to hear what you have to say about that game he sent you, this entire board and its community is practically built around hearing what you have to say about something and then never having that thing addressed, why on Earth would you post a dozen paragraphs about your weird dick? The one thing maybe only RetroRomper woke up this morning wondering about?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

This thread is in the public base by the by.

Again, I was only 18 at the time LOL. I don't care if it is public record but, thanks for the reminder if anything for the benefit of anyone else who may add to this.

That episode right there set me straight! Say no to drugs, kids!

Oh, my statement was more of a, "The Commander's dick is what we're presenting to the world" sort of comment.

[Jizaboz]

This thread is in the public base by the by.

Again, I was only 18 at the time LOL. I don't care if it is public record but, thanks for the reminder if anything for the benefit of anyone else who may add to this.

That episode right there set me straight! Say no to drugs, kids!

Oh, my statement was more of a, "The Commander's dick is what we're presenting to the world" sort of comment.

Oh. OH. Right then. Sorry! Stay on topic, people! The podium is yours, Tdarcos.

[The Happiness Engine]

Took way too much in powder form and found out I was allergic. Could not speak and turned blue and shit so 911 was called. I was only 18 at the time.

Oof. By the time I found SymptomPak my stomach was like "no, we're just going to vomit until you fucking stop this." Still, highly recommend SymtomPak when used as directed! Much better than cough syrup for, y'know, actual coughs.

[RetroRomper]

The one thing maybe only RetroRomper woke up this morning wondering about?

I spend the first hour every morning after waking up, looking for my own so needless to say I'm preoccupied.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Quarantine's had an effect on all of us. SICK'S OUT DICKS OUT BROTHAS

[Tdarcos]

bring eveeryone up to speed...penis

ICJ has been waiting patiently for 3 years now to hear what you have to say about that game he sent you,

I don't have that game anymore, it's about 3 computers ago. Additionally, as I stated at the time, I was stuck, I could go no further and would be unable to continue without some hint on what to do next. I heard no response despite multiple requests. I had posted my thoughts about the game as I played it, up until I was stuck.

why on Earth would you post a dozen paragraphs about your weird dick?

Didn't you read what I wrote? I told you:

This thread will discuss medical procedures and treatments. If frank discussion of medical issues disturbs you, exit now!

If you weren't interested, you should have exited. But the point was, I wanted to record my issues.

You could ask the same questions about my ending up in a nursing home, or having my leg amputated.

[bryanb]

[If you weren't interested, you should have exited. But the point was, I wanted to record my issues.

I for one appreciate Paul's policy of full disclosure. It can't be pleasant to write about this stuff, but can any of us say for certain that what's happened to Paul couldn't have happened to any of us if the trajectory of our lives had been slightly different? And who knows what awaits us all as old age takes its ghastly toll upon our bodies and minds. The Commander's experiences are as valuable as they are uncomfortable to read. At some point in the future, this board will probably be full of threads bitching about medical issues. If he continues outliving celebrities at his current rate, Paul will probably be one of the healthiest members (sorry, poor choice of words there) around by then, but he's just somewhat ahead of the curve for now relative to the rest of us.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Are you guys talking about Homeworld 2? That debt was paid by the Commander many times over.

[Billy Mays]

How do you make poopies?

[Tdarcos]

How do you make poopies?

The same way a baby does. Depositing brown lumps into a diaper. I have no control at all over my bowels, when they decide to empty, it's like my bowels saying "I gotta go to the bathroom right fucking now! Bluuuuurp!" At which point I wait at least 20 minutes in case I have another blurp, since changing the diaper requires rolling me over on my left side, wipe my ass, let me back down on my back, roll me over on my right side, wipe the part of my ass they missed on the first pass, let me back on my back, then pull the (new) diaper up. I do not want to go through that then have it, say, happen again within a short period.

[Billy Mays]

Why do you have no control of your bowels?