Gerrit's To-Do List

Forum Little Buddy · Post by **Forum Little Buddy** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 8:54 pm

bruce wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Waitasec. They collect a bunch of them and mold them into a can. That's the cranberry I was talking about.
Who's the fucktard <i>now</i>?

Bruce

Yeah!!!!!

ChainGangGuy · Post by **ChainGangGuy** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 9:26 pm

bruce wrote:Um, I thought the general consensus was that you probably didn't want this girl back because she's a <i>snooty psycho hosebeast</i>.

Did I miss something?

Bruce

She wasn't always this way. Only just a month or so ago did things begin to sour. At first I thought it was just me, but then others noticed it, too.

"She hasn't been acting herself lately."

"I don't know, but she's just so overly emotional these days."

"Gerrit, she's fucking lost her mind."

Maybe I've watched the SW trilogy too many times, but just as Luke saved his father, I too thought I could save my girl from the dark side. There is good in her!

Debaser · Post by **Debaser** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 9:40 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
Worm wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: You don't understand, Worm -- men and women can both have sex with cranberries, because they're so damn malleable. Want something to thrust into? Carve out a little bit of sweet cranberry delight? Want something to thrust into? Shape and whittle till it's just the right size. Cranberries provide delight for everyone... everyone with patience, any way.
Cranberries are too small to fuck! In the world of fruits people really only fuck watermelons, sometimes cantelopes.
Waitasec. They collect a bunch of them and mold them into a can. That's the cranberry I was talking about.

Cranberry sauce would be much to squishy and soft to make a proper dildo, though an artificial cranberry sauce vagina would be the perfect Thanksgiving treat for the sex-starved loser in your extended family. At least it would keep their dick out of the turkey this year. Stuffing, indeed!

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 9:48 pm

Debaser wrote:Cranberry sauce would be much to squishy and soft to make a proper dildo, though an artificial cranberry sauce vagina would be the perfect Thanksgiving treat for the sex-starved loser in your extended family. At least it would keep their dick out of the turkey this year. Stuffing, indeed!

... OK, the world's all messed up.

What substance am I thinking of? It's burgandy. Or purple. It comes in a can. When you get it out of the can, you simply hold it upside down and then nothing happens and then suddenly... PLOP! Out it comes. In the exact dimensions of the can.

Isn't that a can of cranberries? I can't remember what the hell it's called. Thanksgiving seems like it was a lifetime away.

Debaser · Post by **Debaser** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 9:50 pm

Yeah, that's cranberry sauce. Cranberries are what it's made out of.

Lex · Post by **Lex** » Mon Jun 14, 2004 1:46 am

Jonsey, have you picked a goddamn fruit in your life? It seems like all of America operates on a "Peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man, in a factory downtown" system. Please tell me this is not so.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Mon Jun 14, 2004 9:48 am

ChainGangGuy wrote:Maybe I've watched the SW trilogy too many times, but just as Luke saved his father, I too thought I could save my girl from the dark side. There is good in her!

Just, don't get your hand cut off.

ChainGangGuy · Post by **ChainGangGuy** » Mon Jun 14, 2004 11:17 am

Worm wrote:
ChainGangGuy wrote:Maybe I've watched the SW trilogy too many times, but just as Luke saved his father, I too thought I could save my girl from the dark side. There is good in her!
Just, don't get your hand cut off.

Or my balls. I will not beg!

We've agreed to meet tonight at midnight. Even in an electronical age of electronical wonders, it's still rather impersonal to dump someone via AOL Instant Messenger. So, I thought meeting her face-to-face would give me an advantage. We'll see!

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Mon Jun 14, 2004 12:00 pm

My prediction:

At 12:17, she will not have showed up, but you will receive a text message on your phone:

U R A J3RK. I H8 U. U R DUMPED. HEHEHE.

Bruce

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Mon Jun 14, 2004 2:18 pm

I think you really should inform her that she is on "The Darskide" with a large Star Wars analogy, oh yeah and link to her blog.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Jun 26, 2004 7:07 pm

This story needs a conclusion!

ChainGangGuy · Post by **ChainGangGuy** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 11:51 pm

Alright, Robb, you talked me into it! Where did we leave off?

.

I'm terrible at posting drunk, so bear with me.

.

Well, the face-to-face meeting mentioned earlier did nothing but help provide me with the closure that getting dumped via AOL Instant Messenger just couldn't offer. Which I highly appreciated! End of story, right?

NO.

The ex-girlfriend has since infiltrated her way into my closest circle of friends and begun whispering dark thoughts into my friends' ears. She's already managed to sway a few people on the outer rim against me. That's right, she's trying to steal my friends from me!

Surely this wasn't the case! Who would do something like that?! Perhaps I was overreacting. That's when I received a text message from her -- she had considered bringing Tucky over to her side when she noticed her at a party last week. "But don't worry, I didn't talk to her -- this time."

This is absolutely fucking ridiculous!!

It's right about that time I got a phone call. From someone I hadn't expect to hear from ever again for the rest of my days. Ms. Britta P....

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 7:17 am

ChainGangGuy wrote:That's right, she's trying to steal my friends from me!
...
It's right about that time I got a phone call. From someone I hadn't expect to hear from ever again for the rest of my days. Ms. Britta P....

There's a monastery in Conyers.

At this point, I think it's your only hope.

Bruce