Pinback Reviewz The Shareware Program Game Programs!

[pinback]

That Worm, he's a real jackass. There's no denying that. BUT, he did manage to do one worthwhile thing in his miserable life and hook me up with the following article!

(pretend there's a link to GameTunnel's top 10 shareware games of 2004)

Now let's look at the ones I've taken a look at tonight, and see what I thought about 'em, and, you know, just kinda chat about Shareware Games and stuff, or whatever.

GAME NAME: Amino!!! (Or something!! I forget.)
URL: http://www.aninoentertainment.com/produ ... /index.php
TYPE: RPG/Adventure!

My Experience: Hey! I had a sudden inspiration to play an RPG yesterday -- a shareware one -- and slowly came to the realization that they all suck! But this one... this one didn't seem to suck. Had pretty damn slick graphics, a helpful tutorial, and allowed me to go around picking up items and talking to various characters before getting killed by those four guys up there in the woods! This 30-minute adventure sated my need to play an RPG, and thus I won't be going back to it too soon, but it's nice to know it's there!

My Rating: Three and a Half Stars!


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GAME NAME: Hampster Ball
URL: http://www.gametunnel.com/demos/hamster ... dsetup.exe
TYPE: Marble Madness for the New Millennium

My Experience: Welp. It's pretty much Marble Madness, souped up with lots of new goodies and clever whatchamajiggies. Marble Madness. I don't think anyone worth their weight in sticky crap from old arcades lining the bottom of their shoes will forget the first time they played Marble Madness. What a magical experience! The greatest game ever! And... well, you know how some games like Asteroids are the best games ever when you first see them, continue to be so well into the 21st century, whereas some of there are really cool at first, and then twenty years later you think, "Hmm... weeeell." MM, I'm afraid, is an example of the latter. Still, if you like MM, and want a modern version of it, probably can't do better than this.

My Rating: Two and a Half Stars (Or "One Necrotic Drift")



GAME NAME: I OF THE ENEMEY!!!!! (Exclamation marks and mispelling added)
URL: http://www.enemytechnology.com
TYPE: RTS

My Experience: Hey, as shareware RTS's go, this one is pretty damn slick! Sporting Starcraft-level technology, it's not gonna make anyone forget C&C:Generals or anything, but appears to be a solid sci-fi RTS with non-horrendous voice-acting, clear, crisp graphics, and very poor pathfinding! This is, up until the part where it blows up seven minutes into the game and dumps to desktop. And this is, up to the time where you start writing emails to their support email addresses, and notice that anything sent to "anything@enemytechnology.com" immediately bounces back with a server error. So, yeah. I'd like to like this, but I'm afraid I can't, because it appears that the program's stability, along with its authoring company, do not exist.

My Rating: Three and a Half Stars, if it worked, and if the company existed. Zero Stars, since it doesn't, and it doesn't.


GAME NAME: Kiloki Outpost
URL: http://ninjabee.com
TYPE: Space Tycoon

My Experience: It gives you 60 minutes to play around with in the demo version. I played it exactly 26 minutes before quitting the game, going to the website, and buying it. All of the tycoon games boiled down into one quick, relatively simple, but totally engrossing, cute, funny, slick, and fantastic toy. Possibly the greatest thing in history. Go play the demo for 20 minutes, and if you don't agree, I'll give you your money ($0.00, as of this writing) back. Fan. Fucking. Tastic.

My Rating: A+++++++++ and a million stars.

This has been PINBACK REVIEWZ THE WHATEVER IT IS WHICH I AM REVIEWING

[pinback]

Quick update: Please do not begin pummelling enemytechnology.com with test emails. Turns out, they WERE receiving my mails, despite the bounce message I was receiving. A very friendly fellow wrote back, trying to assist me. So, just hang tight.

[pinback]

Here's another one. God.

GAME NAME: Revolved
URL: http://www.revolvedgame.com/
TYPE: Puzzle Game With Explosions

My Experience: I loaded this as an afterthought. A "wind-down" game after an evening of exploring the Shareware Realm. The description I heard was "addictive puzzle game". Well. Puzzle games are, by their very nature, addictive. I've got no use for them unless they can attain that special level of visceral addiction where it's not just the "getting the block in the right place" which draws you in, but the sucking, quaking need for the reward to be given to you, much like that TNG episode. The need which works for me in most of these cases is explosions. What was that great game I was so great at a couple years ago, where you had to line the blocks up and they exploded? With the techno music? Great game.

I played this one for a minute or so, and decided, it really didn't have what it took.

Then I played it for a few more minutes.

Then.

God.

I'm trying desperately to delete this from my hard drive before it can do any more damage. I'm trying. I really am. But, it se--MUST BLOW UP SQUARE THINGS. Err. Sorry. It seems whenever I try to delete the MUST BLOW UP SQUARE THINGS...

Please. Don't try this game. It will, most likely, ruin your entire lifMUST BLOW UP SQUARE THINGS

My Rating: Four stMUST BLOW UP SQUARE THINGS

[pinback]

I've talked with the I of the Enemy guy for a while, narrowed down the bug, and got it so both of us could reproduce it. He's fixing it now.

In payment for my outstanding bug-finding skills, he's promised me a free version of the full game, requesting that I pimp the game wherever I can. So, here I go:

Everyone check out I OF THE ENEMY at http://enemytechnology.com !! Shareware's finest sci-fi RTS game, in the vein of the classics we all love and can't get enough of!

Support the arts! Support the indie RTS developers!

Support... I OF THE ENEMY!!! Immediately!

[Worm]

That Worm, he's a real jackass. There's no denying that. BUT, he did manage to do one worthwhile thing in his miserable life and hook me up with the following article!

Hey boss, I don't deny it either. I've embraced it, now I can go on to hone my ability to another level of jackass, though you're hard to surpass.

Fine reader, let me paint you a picture. Someone IMs you looking for Shareware RPGs. You link him to some Abandonware, though lo and behold the fucker who hasn't played Fallout wants to keep "current" in the world of RPGs. Quite aghast and knowing that most shareware -- I'd like to take this time to say that shareware really isn't practical anymore, and the majority of these games listed feature separate demos -- RPGs blow, you don't know how to help your friend! He does some work on his own and comes up with this. A game so bad Something Awful couldn't use it in a review to cover up that they are simply unfunny.
Also, what the fuck is up with Fashion Swat? The only swatting that is going on there is during slap fights trying to decide who is hot or not. What's next "Fashion RRRRRRRGGGGNNNGGG I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR LARNYX OUT AND RAPE YOUR MOTHER'S ASSHOLE WITH IT YOU PIECE OF AHLGUWEIO I AM SO FUCKING TOUGH"?
________________________________^(NEW RPG NAME!)
So, I remembered this list and got a single RPG. The entire point of this part of my post: Can anyone lend Pinner either Fallout 2, or Torment?

(pretend there's a link to GameTunnel's top 10 <s>shareware</s> indie games of 2004)

linkified

Now let's look at the ones I've taken a look at tonight, and see what I thought about 'em, and, you know, just kinda chat about Shareware Games and stuff, or whatever.

I'll throw my hat in the ring.


Breakquest
This game, fucking floored me. It's the fundamental argument for why and how to keep 2d alive. The colors are all vibrant, it's a happy and fun game that is just a pleasure to look at, much like good sushi except with music to match. The game is an Arkanoid(Breakout would be more apt) clone. Clone sounds shitty though. GameTunnel fixes the way that sounds by making it a genre. That's really the best way to put it. So many games use the Breakout design that it's like calling all full 3d FPSs Quake clones. The levels are all different. Some make you get a full row of the same color before the blocks will disappear, some feature Pacman pellets you have to collect with your ball, and others substitute pentagons and other shapes for squares. The power-ups are plenty and fun, weapons include spread shot, minigun, double shot, dumb mines, smart mines, big rockets, and guided rockets. Other power-ups and power-downs can warp the shape or movement(slower,faster,drunk) of your paddle and ball. That's just in the demo. I'm going to pick this one up next month, just so I don't spend too much on the Internet in one month.

Aces out of 5.

Also, there is a really good Tempest clone, though I can't really say much about that. Unless people here haven't played Tempest.
http://www.mking.com/juno/index.html

I'm just noticing a disturbing trend. It seems every indie game maker has a demo, and has a 20 dollar charge for the full game. Now I don't mind coughing up 20 bucks for quality, frankly I prefer it! It's just that the demos are so scant and so very "BUY NOW" that I don't get it. Elasto-mania features 12 levels that you'll probably never finish in its demo, whereas Gish has 3 that you'll finish once you figure out the trick and get your timing down. It is independent, though it doesn't feel like it. I don't doubt that it's a labor of love and very hard work, I just don't like that they are modelling themselves mainly on the current industry.

Raptor: Call of the Shadows 15.95
=(

[pinback]

I bought the Tempest clone.

I have yet to receive my purchased product.

Rating: F-------------

(BTW, the IOE guy has put the fixed version of the program up on the website, so feel free to Sci-Fi RTS yourselves to death!)

[Worm]

I bought the Tempest clone.

I have yet to receive my purchased product.

Rating: F-------------

If you knew what it meant to charge 15.95 per download of an old Apogee game, you would have expected this.

EDIT:
Okay, about Breakquest.

Every level has a pleasing little gimmick accomplished with pleasant music, graphics, and sound effects. Each stage is like a little wonder of creativity. Most interesting enough that you'll have to get over them before you can hope to beat them. Each stage has it's own music which is done by a "professional gaming music group" the Maniacs of Noise. The sound effects of destroying a "block" vary from stage and fit in so well with the music it works like some kind of Beatmania. On hard, it's very hard, though that's okay it allows for unilmited continues and is just so pleasant that you won't care if you're being stabbed during play.

[Debaser]

Fine reader, let me paint you a picture. Someone IMs you looking for Shareware RPGs.

Did I ever bring up Geneforge? You'd like it. Probably.

Horrible graphics, primitive interface, but big with lots of freedom.

[Worm]

Actuallly Pinner linked me to Geneforge 2. I'm sure the majority of these independent games that stay afloat long are quite amazing, though if I'm going to dole out 25 bucks, it's going to look good too. Anito it was. Also, I can't stand paying money for old games, or even old looking ones.

[Debaser]

Cheerist, Worm, it's not that much uglier than Fallout.

[Worm]

Cheerist,

Dude, "keerist". Google reveals other people follow you in this path, apparently no one cares that it looks like "cheeriest".

Worm, it's not that much uglier than Fallout.

Yeah, though I'm near blowing 75 dollars this month (this is without any income mind you) on various online shit. I'm resolute enough to admit it has to stop. 32 for Anito, 28 for Kompressor 2 CD set, 19.99 for Breakquest. When I wrote that I just looked at some thumbnails, and had already purchased Anito which is really great also.

Though I have played the game, I don't see why you didn't just call it Fallout 3, because as far as I see, it's as close as anyone else can get right now. I'm just glad I have the demo on my computer. My neon green Shaper named GREEN (I resolved to give less though to RPG names) is a fucking hoot.

Interface EDIT: This interface is my wet dream of all an interface should be. (I'm prefacing shit with "my" and going to end everything with IMHO so you know I'm not a thought nazi, natch) I hate shit that takes me away from the game. There are only two windows you need visit and leave the game those being the character sheet and system menu. It features ALL the spells I need, a mini-map, my inventory, my equipment, and a little immediate window. It's perfect.

[Casual Observer]

GAME NAME: I OF THE ENEMEY!!!!!
My Rating: Three and a Half Stars, if it worked, and if the company existed. Zero Stars, since it doesn't, and it doesn't.

Looks like they fixed the "crash" bug in the new version, and added a couple of levels to the demo.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Jets n' Guns is really fun. So far! So far.

I haven't paid the $20 they want for it yet.