NHL 09 is the most fun video game that there is

[pinback]

There is nothing more gratifying and satisfying in the world of gaming than scoring a goal (or even an assist) in the new "Be a Pro" mode in NHL 09, where you just play one guy, and follow him through his career.

Jonsey is going to throw up some shit about hockey games suck because you can shoot 50 times and it'll go in randomly 1 out of the 50 times. This is idiotic, particularly in the case of NHL 09, because:

1. If you only score once in 50 shots, you are terrible at the game.

2. If you learn to position yourself properly and pass and shoot correctly, it will go in a friggin' hell of a lot more often than if you just fire a slapshot from the blue line.

3. THAT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE ALSO.

I only started to progress at NHL 09 when I realized that waiting for the random shot to go in was not efficient, nor was it fun. So you have to learn to actually play the game.

And when you do, and it all pays off, and that red light comes on, it's goddamn orgasmic.

NHL 09 made me start watching hockey again, and though hockey is the best sport ever to watch, it would be better if it was more like NHL 09.

I hate EA Sports as much as the next guy, but this is the best sports game that has ever been made, and I have played at least 5 or 6 of them.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I'd like to re-imagine my stance on what was a huge turnoff for me, regarding EA Sports hockey games (for the PC, at least) starting with, hoooooah, 2001 or so.

Jonsey is going to throw up some shit about hockey games suck because you can shoot 50 times and it'll go in randomly 1 out of the 50 times.

It wasn't this, in so as much as there was no way to control the other team's goalie and no way to map the 2-axis plane of the goalie's net to the controls of a PC gamepad.

Ideally, the best way to handle shooting on a net in a hockey game would be the following:

1) Hit the "shoot" button.
2) The game pauses.
3) The game brings up the current position of the net and the goalie.
4) You click, using the mouse, where you'd like your shot to go.
5) The game resumes. Your shot is then calculated for accuracy based on the skill of the skater you're controlling, his current position and speed, the presence of any defenders around him, whether he's at home or on the road, and a thousand other things.
6) The goalie - CPU controlled - then reacts accordingly, based on how good he is.

Of course, the obvious drawback is that this is not fast-paced, nor exciting. It made me sick just writing it. So adjustments gotta be made.

You have discussed the new control scheme that has the right analog pad be a sort of control mechanism for directing the shot. That's good! I can see how that could be useful. Unfortunately, the issue is that any innovation an EA Sports game has will go through a rollercoaster-shaped cycle, as EA Sports management will attempt to intentionally break shit so they can add it next year. The developers over there could easily get the analog-pad directional shooting perfected in three revisions. Easy! But come on, I wouldn't even wager that being able to shoot that way will be present in NHL 2010. They could remove it completely. That's their track record.

But let's not talk about how things might be, let's talk about how things are. I hate NHL 09 and always will because there is no "speed burst" function. We had to fight for that, you know. It wasn't in Hat Trick. It wasn't in bubble hockey. If you are playing Air Hockey - hopefully against a girl - and you attempt a "speed burst," well, that directly translates into throwing the paddle at her. You may accomplish your immediate objective (a burst in speed) but latter ones will have you alone, confused, and quietly masturbating alone as secondary objectives fail.

We had to fight for speed burst.

So I just want to be clear on why I do or do not hate NHL 09. I do hate it, and the two previous games that lack speed burst. It could easily, EASILY be something management would let you toggle on or off. But it's not, and that arrogance really makes me not want to play their games, not when there are thousands of other ones begging for my time.

BUT! My point here is that I can accept that goal scoring in NHL 09 was improved from where it was in NHL 2001 or so. I can accept that.

[pinback]

Here is how speed-burst is represented in NHL 09:

1. If you want to go as fast as you can, push the stick all the way. If you want to go slower than that, to conserve energy, don't push it all the way.

2. If you still really want some sort of speed burst, then you can push the puck ahead of you and chase it. I have seen actual hockeyers do this when they wanted a "speed burst" in real life.

Shooting controls are as follows, just for completeness: Right stick determines type of shot (snap, wrist, slap), left stick determines where on your 2-axis plane of the goalie's net you wanna try for. The accuracy and the chance the goalie will stop it are based on statistics, as you requested.

To continue to "poo-pooh" these games like a petulant child solely on the basis that they removed speed burst is ridiculous. It's like eschewing DVDs for VHS because you enjoy rewinding.

[pinback]

Here is my one fear about NHL 09, which often -- let's be honest, always -- keeps me up at night, tossing and turning:

I know golf. I'm not that great at it, but I know it, and I love it. It is a passion of mine. I watch golf on TV. I watch the Golf Channel on TV. I'll probably never break 80, and I'll never belong to a country club, but I love the game. I even watch when Tiger's not playing (sometimes...)

All of these facts play heavily into my opinion of the EA Sports Tiger Woods series of games. And that opinion is: It is a fucking embarrassment.

I sort of blame society for this, because somehow, this series is portrayed as the gold standard of golf simulations available in the world. "If you just want to have fun, play Hot Shots, but for hardcore golf simulator fans, Tiger '08/'09/'10/whatever is the way to go."

Hardcore simulation. Let me tell you this, Links, which came out like fifty years ago, is so far and away a better golf simulator (and game) than all of the Tiger series put together that, once again, it's a fucking embarrassment.

(Aside: The main feature in Tiger 10, released this week, is that there are more spectators on-screen during tournament events! HARDCORE SIMULATION!)

Right, so my fear of NHL 09 is that I love it, seemingly like people love the Tiger franchise, but I am not a hockey enthusiast. I think it's a great sport, and am a fan, but it's not a passion, and I don't know a whole hell of a lot about it. So I can't help thinking that hockey enthusiasts feel the same way about the EA NHL games as I feel about the EA Tiger games.

I sort of doubt it, though, since no real hockey fan is going to cry foul because the game doesn't properly represent their favorite player's speed burst ability.

[Flack]

I live in Oklahoma; that means, by default, I don't understand hockey. I understand college football, minor league baseball, and most of Footloose -- but not hockey. I don't understand the penalties, the strategies, or anything about it.

Here's what I know about hockey video games.

Step 01: Position a guy without the puck near the goal.
Step 02: Take the guy with the puck down the sideline.
Step 03: When you get even with the goal, pass to the other guy.
Step 04: Pass. Score. Repeat.

And then there's defense:

Step 01: Run after the guy with the puck.
Step 02: When you catch hit, press every button.

Sometimes it's a penalty and sometimes in ain't. Life ain't fair, I guess.

[pinback]

Here's what I know about hockey video games.

You seem to be suffering from what I call "Ice Cream Jonsey Disease", in which everything you know about hockey games is apparently based on the scene in Swingers where the T-man makes his head bleed.

I am telling you -- both of you -- that it's different now! You can't just pass to the guy in front of the net and expect to score! The goalies aren't dumb anymore!

It's... it's better now, but you -- neither of you -- will give it a chance, because it doesn't have fucking SPEED FUCKING BURST!!

FUCK! I AM ORANGE WITH RAGE!!!

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

You seem to be suffering from what I call "Ice Cream Jonsey Disease", in which

In which you're bringing the kids your Ice Cream Cones?

IS THAT THE DISEASE YOU PRICK?

everything you know about hockey games is apparently based on the scene in Swingers where the T-man makes his head bleed.

This is so goddamn offensive to me, I didn't even respond to it until right now. I -- Jesus, man. This is like me saying you based everything you know about golf games on Bill Simmons claiming to get a 59 on some golf game for the Genesis.

I saw Swingers waaaaaay after everyone else did. I usually avoid movies starring what I thought were smug pricks. My buddy Fodge had the movie poster framed. I WOULD SUBMIT that if all you know about that movie is Favreeau and Vaughn holding martini glasses to the camera, you might think it's a movie where people just pick up chicks. You might think that.

Instead, the most unlikable character in Swingers is the guy with the girl's name, who plays video game hockey. It's just so offensive to me that you think I saw that movie and started playing video game hockey that I can't even wait to finish what this paragraph was about before getting into it again.

Oh - yeah. The reason... the secret reason I wanted you to leave LA is because I thought I'd hate you as much as I hate everyone else who lives in LA. The guy with a girl's name in Swingers included!!

...

OK, -- man, seriously, fuck you. I played entire seasons of Face-off and Wayne Gretzky Hockey III before you and your "make Gretzky's head bleed shit" was even developed, much less featured in a movie. I really can't have valid opinions on video game hockey? Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

You know, I don't just look handsome, Ben. I am handsome. (I thought that might be a more creative way to say "Fuck you" the fourth time, because I know you're sensitive to that sort of thing.)

It's... it's better now, but you -- neither of you -- will give it a chance, because it doesn't have fucking SPEED FUCKING BURST!!

FUCK! I AM ORANGE WITH RAGE!!!

The thing that gets me is that you understand that the EA Sports product for golf - Tiger Woods 09 - is a fucking joke, you understand that my brother, who briefly played college football, believes EA Sports football -- Madden -- to be a joke, but you can't understand that Flack, myself and millions of others have come to the same conclusion about EA hockey. Why is EA hockey any different?

It kills me! EA Sports Hockey was traditionally their best product, regardless of how much it differed from real hockey (read: a fucking lot). It was still fun as a video game. They released it during the lockout year and as well they should - of all the video game sports, hockey is the one that needs its real-life athletes the least. In fact, one could make the argument that fighting would be better without the meddling of Bettman and the NHL. Gameplay is just intrinsically satisfying.

Oh!

Unless they go and remove the fucking speed burst or something.

[pinback]

but you can't understand that Flack, myself and millions of others have come to the same conclusion about EA hockey. Why is EA hockey any different?

BECAUSE NONE OF YOU SMUG FUCKERS HAS PLAYED IT IN THE LAST TEN YEARS.

Look, there is a director out there named Mike Figgis. He is famous for making a bunch of terrible movies, and one of the best movies of all time. I understand if all you'd seen was the terrible ones, you would dismiss the great one because why should you expect that to be any different?

I understand that. I'd probably do the same thing. But I'd just hope that we're tight enough where if you came to me and said, "Timecode and One Night Stand were fucking atrocious!" you'd at least give me the benefit of the doubt, when I assured you that Leaving Las Vegas was fantastic.

This I'd hope.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Eight years! Eight years.

Hey man, I still have 08 borrowed. Don't take it personally that I haven't played it. I haven't played Fallout 3 and/or Persona 4 in that time, and those are two games I want to complete. I haven't done much gaming lately! Don't be mad! Don't post Colecovision screens either.

[pinback]

[bruce]

Well, it's not a Colecovision screen:



Bruce

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

What do both of those games have in common? The same joystick controls the goalie and the skater. The 2600/Activision version just switches you when you get to an arbitrary line, and Hat Trick (the one Ben posted) puts the goalie in an up and down sync with the player.

Neither have speed burst.

We had to fight for speed burst.

We ... didn't really have to fight for the "switch player" button, they sorta realized that would be good and put that in.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Also - haha, that screenshot is from a website called AtariProtos. Prototypes of Atari software, I assume. It's also in the "7800" directory, again, assuming that's for the Atari 7800.

But it has the same colors as the CGA version! The arcade version of Hat Trick had a proper red and a proper blue. Not this cyan/purple shit. Man, PC developers really do need to apologize to everyone if they subconsciously made 7800 programmers pick a rotten palette.

[AArdvark]

I just like the Zamboni at the end of the game....




THE
CLEAN ICE
AARDVARK

[Tdarcos]

There is nothing more gratifying and satisfying in the world of gaming than scoring a goal (or even an assist) in the new "Be a Pro" mode in NHL 09, where you just play one guy, and follow him through his career.

I disagree, I think either Portal or Half-Life 2 / Half-Life 2 Episode 1 or Half-Life 2 Episode 2 are going to be far better games than anything dealing with the mere playing of football.

[Flack]

I think Pin has overestimated me. All I know about hockey came from old hockey games.

And didn't Brodie from Mallrats rock the Sega Hockey well before Swingers?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT!

I think I remember Kevin Smith saying something to the effect of how he got in good with a different console hockey franchise, and that was used for Mallrats. I can't, for the life of me, recall which line, though. NHL Powerplay never released a game for the Genesis and nothing else is coming to mind.

But I could have all this incorrect. It could be that Kevin Smith spoke of possibly going with a different franchise, but then that fell through, and he went with NHL 9x after all.

This has been a useless post.

[AArdvark]

I downloaded this demo and it has SPEED BURST!

Game kinda sucks, but..... speed burst!


THE
TRIANGLE MEANS
GO FASTER
AARDVARK

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

FACT: There is a man named Ethan who lives in Colorado.
FACT: He has the cockpit version of "Red Baron."
FACT: Me and Jim, who has posted a few times here, helped move the thing into Ethan's office.
FACT: Ethan then gave us pizza.

FACT: Red Baron is a fucking awesome cockpit arcade game.

...

... OK, that's all I know about it. Someone re-made it, Vark??

[AArdvark]

it's a new demo release on the PS3. I grabbed that and bomberman ultra.

THE
OLDER IS BETTER
AARDVARK