Crazy Doodles

[AArdvark]

[AArdvark]

I have to explain this a little. At first I was going to have the note pinned to the guys back, like a 'kick me' sign. Then I got to thinking.... what if the guy was proud of his lobster relations... And if you have a good idea, run with it.


THE
NOT WEIRD OR ANYTHING
AARDVARK

[AArdvark]

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I need help with this one.

[Tdarcos]

Tells you about the kind of people that drink that beer flavored water...


THE
CANOE SEX
AARDVARK

Last I heard, it wasn't Pabst Blue Ribbon*. The joke was, "How is drinking Coors like making love in a rowboat / dinghy / canoe? Because it's like fucking close to water."


* I have to wonder because I'm a lifelong teetotaler and even I knew what PBR means. And don't ask me why the system is flagging the word teetotaler with HTML font color marks; I did not ask it to do so.

[pinback]

Oooo, not your best work, Paul.

[gsdgsd]

"Kill a keg" is my absolute favorite of these so far.

[Jizaboz]

Hahaha "Wizard of Wore" HAHAHAHAHA Oh shit

[AArdvark]

crude picture of a wedding cake topper

"You goin back up for more of that trap-bait?"
The two women sat alone at a circular table set for six. The older of the two was wearing a dress which could only be described as frumpy. The younger woman was obviously her daughter. The resemblance was faint but definite.
"It's not trap-bait Momma, it's sushi. You like seafood."
"Sure, but not enough to marry some."
"Momma..."
They had covered this topic on the car ride over from the church.
"Mixed marriages just don't work out, it's a fact."
"This isn't the nineteen-fifties anymore Momma, try and be more progressive."
"Humph." Momma drained her wineglass and the plastic base fell off the stem again.
"So are you goin back up?" She looked at her watch. There was an hour left for the open bar before the buffet and she wanted to make the most of it. She put her plastic wineglass back together.
"In a minute, they're gonna introduce the wedding party."
"Where's the honeymoon gonna be?"
"Someplace off the coast of Bermuda. It's supposed to be beautiful this time of year."
"Heaven knows what he sees in her, trashy thing. I bet her whole family are a bunch of bottom feeders."
"She is not trashy."
"She looks trashy to me. Where'd she get that dress, Wicked Tuna?"
"No, Momma, it's a place in the mall, The Bridal Tank. It's very chic."
"Well, when she scuttled down the aisle she was showing too much of her legs. That says trashy to me."
"It's just the cut of the dress. Stop being rude."
"Where'd they meet, he ever tell you?"
"No, I never asked."
"I bet it was that loose lobster joint down by the waterfront and mister seafood lover was gettin' himself a crab dance in the back."
"Momma, you hush!"
The three glasses of port were making Momma mean and lose her indoor voice. She looked around the hall, her eyes darting.
"I didn't see much of her family at the ceremony, don't see much of them now. They ashamed or something?"
"They live up in Bar Harbor, Momma. You can't expect all of them to be here. It was kind of short notice."
"Why, he knock her up?"
"Momma! One more crack like that and we're leaving. You sit here and drink their wine and eat their food and all you do is badmouth them. Why don't you try to see how much they love each other. They wanted to get married quickly because they're in love."
"Those two aint in love. I bet she married him for his money. Mark my words; as soon as she finds out he hasn't got a pot to melt butter in she'll throw him over the side."
"That's it! I mean it, Momma. One more word and we're going home."
"Fine," she said, holding out her plastic glass. "But get me another. Probably the only way I'll make it through the evening." She picked up a last bite of sushi from her paper plate and looked at it with a sour expression. "Trap bait," she muttered, and ate it.

[AArdvark]

[AArdvark]

[AArdvark]

I apologize for that. It's like the cheese phase I was going through last summer. Now it's a lobster sex phase. Van Gogh had the same issue, I think.

THE
WONT HAPPEN AGAIN
AARDVARK

[AArdvark]

[AArdvark]

[AArdvark]

This is weird. I actually went to that reception last night. It was pretty bad. It was worse than bad. They had an open bar and I didn't want to drink anything, I just wanted to leave. Even the groom didn't want to be there, you could tell. I didn't see any firearms but it's never been closer to a shotgun wedding. The food was mediocre and the DJ sucked like a Dyson. It was bad.

THE
NEEDED LOBSTERS
TO LOOSEN THE
PLACE UP
AARDVARK

[AArdvark]

[pinback]

This is weird. ...I didn't want to drink anything

That IS weird.

[AArdvark]

It was the cookie-cuttest of cookie cutter receptions. No toast by the best man (cause the groom didn't want any) No blessing of the feast, or whatever you call it. it was just sucky

[AArdvark]

Question! ( I miss Q and A, they were great!)

If I draw avatars based on what I THINK you all look like, would you change them in your profiles? I'd need RobB to upload them to the PhPhBBPh 3.0 avatar gulag if this were to be a real thing.

The thing is, I'd have to walk a real fine line between funny and insulting, not easy to do when drinking (ask any DWI victim)
so, any thoughts?

THE
COMMUNITY ADVOCATE
AARDVARK

[pinback]

I would do so immediately.