Jolt Country

Long-term denizens of this board that knew me back in the day -- and those who knew me even before -- know that relationships with the fairer sex never came easily to me. I was a virgin until I was 24. Socially awkward, shy, and self-doubting to this day, I just never quite figured out how to get on with da ladiez. But oh, how I wanted to. And in my mind, it was never primarily a sexual thing. What I remember wanting most was a partner. A friend. Someone to hold, and care for, and be cared for back. Though The Office got a little sappy with Jim & Pam, it was really that perfect union that I think is so popular because it's so universal.

Before I met my wife, to my name I had one "serious" relationship, and a couple emotionally devastating short-term "flings" which seemed fun at the time, but looking back I have nothing but painful memories of.

Then Kathy came into my life, and I was given everything I wanted. We've spent the last fourteen years together, married for eight of them, galavanting around the country, bringing all manner of animals and Chinese humans into our lives. We watched BSG all the way through TWICE, fer Chrissakes.

Before I met her, I knew I was going to be the best husband the world had ever seen, giving 100% to both the financial well-being, and more importantly, the emotional care of the woman so special that she'd actually choose me to be her mate.

Not once did I ever think that I would instead wind up lying to her on a virtually daily basis, for years.

This, kids, is one of the special joys of alcoholism, particularly when your partner is not real happy about it, and you very much want her to be happy.

“Do you ever hide beer around the house?” – Marge Simpson
“Do I ever!” – Homer Simpson

The lies came in three forms, which I'll list now, in increasing order of frequency:

1. Flat out, to-your-face lies. "Did you have a beer already?" "No." Pretty simple. The pinnacle of this came back when I was drinking liquor, and an absurd amount of it (unlike the last couple years where I was only drinking an absurd amount of beer and wine. A veritable health-nut!) and she said "Have you been drinking today?" and I said "No", even though I'd already put down a fifth of Jim Beam. Her response, through quivering voice, was, "I think I'm going crazy." She knew I was hammered, but I still said "no". They both couldn't be true, and it was destroying her.

2. "Soft" hiding. This is where you're not technically HIDING alcohol, just sort of, keeping your imbibing out of view. The best example of this is, buying a 12 pack of beer, and sipping a couple of them during the evening. Then she'd go to bed, and when she got up, whoa, where'd those other seven beers go? Weird! (One trick for this is, before you go to bed, take the cans out of the 12-pack and just shuffle 'em around in the fridge somewhere so it's not immediately clear how may of them are left. If she starts to count them, she'll feel bad about herself, so everybody wins! Wine boxes are also great for this, since there's no way of knowing how much is left by looking at it, and if she started picking them up to weigh them, she'd feel bad about herself. See above.) I also got remarkably good at sneaking two beers out of the fridge, walking upstairs as if I was going to the bathroom, chugging both of them in less than a minute and coming back downstairs like nothing had happened. It's amazing the skills you can learn when you really apply yourself.

(Note: In retrospect, I don't think any of those "tricks" actually worked, but they seemed like a reasonable idea at the time, and as long as I was never confronted about it, I could continue to carry a smug pride in my devious brilliance.)

3. "Hard" hiding. Just plain hiding alcohol around (or even outside!) the house, and/or buying and drinking it without her knowledge. This was by far the most fun one. If I went to the grocery store in the evenings, there was literally a zero percent chance I wouldn't pick up a 24 oz Mike's Harder Lemonade or something similar with the groceries and pound it in the car on the way home. Mina and I had a routine after her Taekwondo lessons, where we'd stop by the gas station for a fun little kids juice that came in cartoon character-shaped bottles. Daddy would also get his own juice. Finally, an accomplice, and one who couldn't rat me out! As far as hiding alcohol around the house, here were some of my favorites:

- A box of wine fits great in the lower left-hand office drawer. Cliche, but effective.
- An opened moving box out in the garage that everyone's forgotten about. "Gonna take the trash out!"
- In the back of the spice drawer in the kitchen. I do all the cooking, so there's no way she'd ever find that. I could say the same thing about the cleaning supplies, am I right, fellas?
- Actually IN the trash cans in the garage, in a bag that looked like it'd been thrown out. Boy, I loved the garage.
- Countless others.

Do this enough, and it becomes almost impossible to enjoy alcohol UNLESS it's hidden. It's like a game. A little extra excitement, to add a little spice to it. Some juice, some action.

For a life already defined largely by shame in the best times, the additional shame that came with these daily activities is absolutely incalculable. If I apologized every day for the rest of our lives, it would never even out.

Hidden Resolution #2 is: Do not lie to my wife, about anything.

#1, it was very brave of you to share this. Thank you for doing so.
#2, I wish you the best on sticking to this resolution.
#3, I forgive you for not meeting up with me in ABQ, and will never mention it again.

Pinback is already a strong contender for MVP 2020, which means he can go ahead and order the trophy for Paul again.

Damn, who knew? Congratulations for overcoming, man.

Now I think the Drunk Base should be locked. We don't want to enable Pinback. I mean, more than we already have.

Ben, should we lock up the Drunk Base? We ( I ) can stop posting there while half in the bag, even though it's really a lot of fun and everyth...Dammit! I'm doing it now.

THE
DISABLER
AARDVARK

Do not lock the Drunk Base, and continue to post there while half in the bag. Thank you.

Would it help if I stop posting there?

I am proud of you for taking this step. Kathy is a great gal and if she wasn't a great gal I'd be arguing vehemently for you to consider living this second life. But she is so I am now standing and applauding. But not in the sarcastic way like with movies.

Billy Mays wrote: Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:53 am Would it help if I stop posting there?

I understand this is now the best lineup in BBS history, and you are included in that, so I do not wish for you to stop posting anywhere.

God DAMN that hurt to type. But I'm a new man, whaddya gonna do.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:54 am I am proud of you for taking this step. Kathy is a great gal and if she wasn't a great gal I'd be arguing vehemently for you to consider living this second life. But she is so I am now standing and applauding. But not in the sarcastic way like with movies.

Thank you. And I want you to know that, even though we've only watched BSG together once, I've never lied to you about my drinking. That I remember.

Ben, I'm going to say some things which may be hurtful, but I think you would prefer frank, honest comments and, if needed, criticism, and in line with giving you honest responses, I offer you the following:

pinback wrote: Sat Feb 01, 2020 8:15 pm I was a virgin until I was 24.

Yeah, this I remember because when we were on the Bull and Finch Pub BBS, I had lorded it over you that, despite my size, I had actually found a woman willing to go to bed with me, (who was not a hooker) and you were still a virgin. I remember how a few years later you let me know you were in a relationship.

pinback wrote: Sat Feb 01, 2020 8:15 pm Then Kathy came into my life, and I was given everything I wanted.

"Looking in your eyes
Seeing all i need
Everything you are, is everything to me.
These are the moments, I know Heaven must exist
These are the moments, I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for, and I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
And every dream I have's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment, is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you, here with me."
- Edwin McCain, I could not ask for more

pinback wrote: Sat Feb 01, 2020 8:15 pm Not once did I ever think that I would instead wind up lying to her on a virtually daily basis, for years.

Twenty five years ago I wrote the following in my first book, The Gatekeeper: The Gate Contracts, and since Billy Mays has a copy, he can confirm this is in there: “That incident reminded me of an important saying someone once said. You can’t make an alcoholic stop drinking; he has to hit bottom and want to stop first."

pinback wrote: Sat Feb 01, 2020 8:15 pm Finally, an accomplice, and one who couldn't rat me out!

A book I read years ago, tells a guy from Hollywood who met and went home with a 15- or 16-year-old girl to have sex with her, a big no-no in California where the age of consent is 18 and Unlawful Sexual Intercourse - California does not have "Statutory rape" laws - carried (and still does carry) serious prison time. Not only that, she'd take the guy up to her room, in full view of her parents. The girl could let her boyfriends know that they didn't have to worry. Her parents couldn't narc on her without her narcing on them about their smoking pot, which, if you can believe this, back in the '70s was also a serious felony.

In short, sometimes - probably almost always - kids will let adults get away with things when they reciprocate.

pinback wrote: Sat Feb 01, 2020 8:15 pm For a life already defined largely by shame in the best times, the additional shame that came with these daily activities is absolutely incalculable. If I apologized every day for the rest of our lives, it would never even out.

Two things.
(1) Do you know what's the difference between you and a junkie roaming the streets, stealing to support his habit, and always jonesying for his next fix? You had the money to pay for your addiction. And you're lucky, some alcoholics go the "steal money and sell the furniture" route to pay for their addiction.
(2) Robert A. Heinlein, I think, in one of his books, wrote that women seem to have a near-unlimited capacity to forgive, and that it's probably a biological trait, otherwise many men would never live long enough to reproduce.

pinback wrote: Sat Feb 01, 2020 8:15 pm Hidden Resolution #2 is: Do not lie to my wife, about anything.

I once came to the conclusion that other things were not as bad. If you were known as a thief, but never lied, even when the truth was detrimental to your interests, people would believe you. They might hide any valuables, but if you say something, they'll believe you.

But get the reputation of a liar, and it's all over: nobody will ever believe or trust you about anything.

So what you have to do now is: Shut the fuck up! Do not promise anything; if you've lied to her, your word is worth zero. Instead, what you need to do is soldier on, show by your actions over time, that you tell the truth, no matter what.

Of course, that may cause problems uf she asks you one of those "Have you stopped beating your wife?" questions. So if you're going shopping with her, and she tries on a dress, and says "Does this dress make me look fat?" and it does, saying so may not be the best aswer, and you may want to use some tact. Like, "It doesn't matter, I'll love you no matter how you look," or "It looks great on you" (if it does),

If all else fails, point behind her, shout "Look at that!" and when she turns around, run like hell.

Ben, congrats on taking this big step and having the courage to be brutally honest. I can say that I've known you -- very interruptedly and wholly digitally, mind you -- for a long time, and it's hard for me to think of you as not being largely in control of your life. I suppose I thought of you as approaching alcohol in the same way you might approach a game or a recipe. Sure, it was intense. You have always gone deeper into things than a lot of people do so there wasn't anything unusual about that. Sure, you made plenty of jokes and references to being an alcoholic, but how many roles have you played and how many bits have you done online? I feel like I should have taken it all more seriously even though there's probably nothing I could really have done. You have my full support through this and I want you to know I'm here for you as long as you don't need me to do anything particularly useful. I promise to crack jokes, write supportive messages, and pump out IF reviews all the way through this, my friend. It's the least I can do, and I love doing the least I can do!

One thing I want to say is you shouldn't feel like you need to superhero your way through this. It seems like you've got a list of things you want to improve about yourself and you're taking it all super seriously. You're dealing with the alcohol stuff, the weight stuff, the relationship stuff, the productivity stuff, and the dental/health stuff all at the same time. That's great. There will be disappointments and letdowns along the way. That's life. There's no reason not to try to do your best each day even if yesterday was a disaster and the whole month has been pretty meh. You don't need to be perfect -- just roll with the punches and build yourself a better baseline. I don't buy the AA thing about alcoholics always being alcoholics no matter how long they've been sober. Ben at his best is not an alcoholic. The Ben in my mind, in Kathy's mind, in Mina's mind, in Robb's mind, in Flack's mind, in Vark's mind, and in Paul's mind is not an alcoholic. You can totally do this; you just need to be who you truly are and not what circumstances and sadness have tried to make you into.

Tdarcos wrote: Sun Feb 02, 2020 2:44 pm Ben, I'm going to say some things which may be hurtful

Lay it on me, big man.

Story about Paul losing his virginity.
A bunch of song lyrics.
References to three books.
Something about statutory rape.

So far I think I can take it.

(1) Do you know what's the difference between you and a junkie roaming the streets, stealing to support his habit, and always jonesying for his next fix?

That's not quite true. With a very rare few exceptions, I never had the compulsion to drink during the day, at least during the work week. But sure, junkie roaming the streets, not out of the realm of possibility.

But get the reputation of a liar, and it's all over: nobody will ever believe or trust you about anything.

Or you'll get elected President. Ohhhh, snap!

what you need to do is soldier on, show by your actions over time, that you tell the truth, no matter what.

So you're saying I should never lie to my wife. That's is such a good idea, I'm thinking of making it a New Years resolution!

I dunno, I think I handled it all pretty well, but I thank you for your input and am glad you felt comfortable expressing your opinions on this delicate subject.

Tdarcos wrote: Sun Feb 02, 2020 2:44 pmTwenty five years ago I wrote the following in my first book, The Gatekeeper: The Gate Contracts, and since Billy Mays has a copy, he can confirm this is in there: “That incident reminded me of an important saying someone once said. You can’t make an alcoholic stop drinking; he has to hit bottom and want to stop first."

Yes, as the official archivist of the Tdarchive, I can confirm that that line appears on page 66 from the book mentioned.

bryanb wrote: Sun Feb 02, 2020 2:46 pm Ben, congrats on taking this big step and having the courage to be brutally honest. I can say that I've known you -- very interruptedly and wholly digitally, mind you -- for a long time, and it's hard for me to think of you as not being largely in control of your life. I suppose I thought of you as approaching alcohol in the same way you might approach a game or a recipe. Sure, it was intense. You have always gone deeper into things than a lot of people do so there wasn't anything unusual about that. Sure, you made plenty of jokes and references to being an alcoholic, but how many roles have you played and how many bits have you done online? I feel like I should have taken it all more seriously even though there's probably nothing I could really have done. You have my full support through this and I want you to know I'm here for you as long as you don't need me to do anything particularly useful. I promise to crack jokes, write supportive messages, and pump out IF reviews all the way through this, my friend. It's the least I can do, and I love doing the least I can do!

Thank you very much, Bryan. I would hope that nobody would have done anything differently, or treated me differently, even during the worst of the alcoholism, which was a few years ago and wound me up in weekly (non-AA) meetings, sobering up in a hotel for a week, with my wife shopping for a new car in case she decided to leave me. Oh, and a bad fall resulting in jamming my tooth all the way through my bottom lip, resulting in a bumpy scar which will never heal, still hurts from time to time, and is a constant reminder every time I look in the mirror or run my tongue over it: Don't do that again.

Of course, I never felt I "struggled" with it, because for the most part, when I was drunk I was having fun. Nothing untoward, just sitting at home doing the same stuff I still do, but you know, it was more fun. Video games were more fun. Music sure sounded a hell of a lot better. Family Guy was funnier.

However, the bad parts started to outweigh the good parts. My body didn't bounce back as well. I felt like crap pretty much every morning. It cost a lot of money which I knew I should be saving for Mina. It's this lying business, and the shame of it all that I will remember most painfully. And just a general, knowing sense (while, for instance, chugging those two beers as fast as possible while hiding in the upstairs bathroom) that it was wrong.

One thing I want to say is you shouldn't feel like you need to superhero your way through this. It seems like you've got a list of things you want to improve about yourself and you're taking it all super seriously. You're dealing with the alcohol stuff, the weight stuff, the relationship stuff, the productivity stuff, and the dental/health stuff all at the same time. That's great. There will be disappointments and letdowns along the way. That's life. There's no reason not to try to do your best each day even if yesterday was a disaster and the whole month has been pretty meh. You don't need to be perfect -- just roll with the punches and build yourself a better baseline. I don't buy the AA thing about alcoholics always being alcoholics no matter how long they've been sober. Ben at his best is not an alcoholic. The Ben in my mind, in Kathy's mind, in Mina's mind, in Robb's mind, in Flack's mind, in Vark's mind, and in Paul's mind is not an alcoholic. You can totally do this; you just need to be who you truly are and not what circumstances and sadness have tried to make you into.

Again, I can't thank you enough for your kind words and support. I will say, I've had bouts of sobriety before, mainly in the last few years. I'd go a week or two without from time to time. Both 2019 and 2018 started with at least a month of it. This feels a lot different, though. First of all, there's no "finish line" -- I mean, it's called "Clean in 2020", but a year of sobriety for an alkie might as well be ten thousand years. Previously, I had set end-dates, and every day felt like a countdown to those dates.

This time there is no date. And this time, I genuinely have no interest in returning. I paid very close attention to every bit of the process -- buying alcohol, drinking it, the euphoria of the first 15 minutes, the struggle to maintain the euphoria the rest of the evening... waking up instantly feeling and knowing "crap, did it again", and the long slog through the next day, waiting patiently for 5:01 PM to arrive. Really, it just became clear that almost every step of the entire process felt bad. And waking up from a good, booze-free night's sleep felt GOOD. Being clear-eyed and not longing all day for the evening to arrive felt GOOD. I made no great choice to Change My Life (tm), the body just naturally started doing what it liked better.

I still buy beer for my wife. I have no problem shopping in the beer aisle of the store. The thought of buying any for myself, or ordering one from a restaurant, gives me almost a slight twinge of nausea (though really nothing that dramatic.)

This time, it is not a struggle at all, I'm just selfishly choosing what makes me feel better.

I've also wound up going through life in a very meditative state, during virtually every waking moment. In this state, if there is nothing wrong right now, there is no compulsion to "fix it". I'm stone-cold sober right now. I don't feel anything right now that needs addressing with alcohol. This has also removed almost all compulsions to eat when I'm not hungry. You wanna lose weight fast, don't drink, and only eat when you're hungry -- and only eat until you're not hungry no more.

Ultimately -- and I'll write more about this later -- it is my experience that suffering of any kind, very much including addiction, can never be fought against. A battle against addiction will almost assuredly fail. It must be sidestepped instead, so when the suffering or addiction comes to attack, you're not there anymore.

Right now, everything has been sidestepped, and there is no struggle, and there is no problem.

Pinback: Also, thanks, Flack, for being the first to respond to this thread. I must have accidentally forgot to respond to you. I accept your apology, and thank you for the well wishes.
Flack: My pleasure. MVP all the way!

I do appreciate your words of encouragement, and I apologize for not making that clear. I will get started on the paperwork.

Pinback,

You don't know me (nor I you), but I've been on this damn forum for *16 years* now as a dedicated lurker (came for the Hugo*, stayed for the lulz).

As the partner of someone struggling with alcohol, I can't tell you how wrenching this was to read. The trust thing will be the most difficult to reestablish, as Tdarcos so maladroitly mentioned; and although they're not everything, intentions do matter, and this is a good start.

It's hard to discuss these things without becoming unbearably earnest, but this Internet Stranger has been amused and delighted by your antics on this board for many years now, and I hope you will live well and p be the best husband you can be to your wife.

---

* I originally came to JC for help building Hugo games, and still haven't done so after SIXTEEN YEARS (I realized, with a jolt, when I wrote the first sentence of this post). I am now plunged into existential crisis about the nature of procrastination, the inexorable passage of time, and death.

I think I speak for the group when I say anyone who can correctly use "maladroitly" in a sentence is welcome to stay another 16.

Flack wrote: Tue Feb 04, 2020 2:11 pm I think I speak for the group when I say anyone who can correctly use "maladroitly" in a sentence is welcome to stay another 16.

Definitely! Also 2020 would be a fantastic time for Hugella to get back into Hugo game development considering Ben and Paul are also currently working on games. We could get one hell of a joint devlog thread going out of all this activity. That would be particularly welcome considering Robb has started the last ten active discussions on the JC Games Development base all on his own.

Good man, Pinback. Any "jerk store" behavior you've ever shown towards me I assumed was because of drinking or that you just really liked picking on my Southern accent. That is why you received 2 bottles of hot sauce. As someone who's basically riding the fence, your hiding stories really hit home with me. When I didn't keep things in check.. while I didn't have to hide things, I'd "sneak swigs" here and there while drinking beer around 5+ years ago. Having to hide bottles would have been the next step if I hadn't woke up feeling like crap and reminding myself it was a bad idea I guess. I quit buying "hard booze" for my house years ago because I can't trust myself in the event of getting extremely stressed out or having too much fun playing a video game.

Jizaboz wrote: Tue Feb 04, 2020 11:18 pmAny "jerk store" behavior you've ever shown towards me I assumed was because of drinking

Let's go with that, even if it doesn't turn out to be 100% accurate.