Here, we libel everyone involved with Marvel vs DC

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

The Marvel vs DC Graphic Novel features some of the worst art and most rushed and terrible art I've ever seen. Every time a DC or Marvel hero defeats their counterpart in combat, the "reaction" panel afterwards has them wiping sweat off their brow. This includes the Silver Surfer, by the way, who:


1) Doesn't sweat

2) Has a silvery substance over his body which probably means that he DOESN'T SWEAT

3) Has more power at his disposal than almost anyone else in the Marvel Universe and -- even if he COULD sweat, which he CAN'T, could definitely take out the fake Green Lantern (which he did) without, you know, breaking a sweat. But he doesn't. Jesus.

The whole thing is terrible. What a goddamn mess. It makes Secret Wars II look like Secret Wars I, you digging me here? Ten or so characters in each universe beat the shit out of each other as only one will survive. The "fans" got to vote on who wins. Get a load of this:

Batman beats up Captain America. OK, fine, whatever. I can dig that these two would be picked to represent their universe.

Fake Spider-Man beats up Superboy. Who the fuck is Superboy? Who the fuck wants to read about "Ben Reilly"? Jesus Christ. Could they have picked two losers that the bunch of us could care less about? Fake Spider-Man won, for what it's worth.

Aquaman beat up the Sub-Mariner. I mean, give me a fucking break. First of all, Aquaman is and always will be a joke. Secondly, the Sub-Mariner is about eight times stronger than Aquaman, so this is just retarded. The "fans" are retarded. How does Aquaman win? He dumps a whale on the Sub-Mariner and proclaims that he lost because "he is too noble to cheat." LORL! Aquaman then wipes sweat off his brow. Or maybe it's water. Who cares?

I can't remember if the Flash beat Quicksilver, but I presume that he did. Why they picked these two guys rather than Hawkeye and the Green Arrow I'm not quite sure. Though this was a time when DC had killed off the real Green Arrow, but then, they did that for the Flash and Green Lantern as well, so.

Robin beat Jubilee. When I think of the X-Men who would best represent their universe, Wolverine and Storm come to mind, and then Jubilee is next. Cyclops, Colossus, Sunfire, yeah, nah, they're good. Jubilee's got it. Bitch managed to get snared in some cable or something like that, by the way. Way to represent! You know, if I lived in the Marvel Universe and didn't hate mutants, I would after that slut practically turned into Dita Von Teese for Robin there.

There was some nonsense about Wonder Woman getting the power of Thor or something. Somehow, the hottest babe in the universe got hammered by Storm. Not quite sure what went on there.

Elektra finished off Catwoman. The only way that would have been compelling would be if afterwards they started kissing. I should mention that they didn't. Seriously, these two bottom-run nobodies got the job over the Fantastic Four and the Martian Manhunter.

The big match was Superman and the Hulk. The Hulk had Banner's intellect for this fight. You know, I know the outcome was determined because of fan voting, but the madder the Hulk gets the stronger he gets. There's no established upper limit. That, coupled with the fact that you would think that Banner:

1) Has more experience fighting Class 100 guys, as they are more prominent in his universe

2) Is smarter than Kent, what with the fact that it takes more brains to be a nuclear weapons engineer than a journalist -- no offense to any journalists, just saying is all

... Would have him put up a better show, or use this thing detailed in the back of my "Breach II" manual called "strategy." I might be spelling that word wrong, I dunno.

Whatever. They went and "mixed up" the heroes for some nonsense during the middle of it. (The art for that section was actually excellent... can't recall who did the pencils and inks.)

I'm going to spoil this wretched thing in the next sentence. In the end, it's declared a tie because Bruce Wayne and Steve Rogers overcame adversity or something and became great mortal warriors. These two worldly fucks who will never be mentioned by either company again, hopefully, declare all this shit to be a worthless tie, like the All-Star game. Fortunately, un-like the All-Star game they do not decide to do it all again the next year but this time everyone wears similar uniforms.

The Marvel versus DC Graphic Novel is the worst thing I have ever spent money on in my entire life.