Jolt Country

Got the big heavy spatula last week.

Got the cast-iron griddle to put on the grill today.

Wednesday we season the griddle.

Thursday...

...WE SMASH BURGERS.

Stay tuned.

Quick update. Because my boss is a huge fan of having meetings from 5-6 PM Eastern, we will not be able to SMASH BURGERS until Friday.

I'm all in on this smashing of burgers thing.

It's Smash Burger Eve. My boss scheduled a meeting for this evening which prevented today from being Smash Burger Nite, but then rescheduled it today for next week, essentially ruining Smash Burger Nite twice.

I don't care what the hell happens tomorrow, burgers be gettin' smashed.

This is one of those experiments where it will only go one of two ways, very very well, or a complete disaster.

Here is how I envision the "very very well" version: I'm able to fire up the grill, get this cast iron griddle on there, SMASH the burgers without too much trouble, they caramelize and crisp up just how you want, and while not perfect, they're delicious for a first attempt and set the scene for 20-30 more years of quality burger making.

The complete disaster is: Everything sticks to the griddle, it comes off in chunks, nothing cooks right, I'm left with an unusable pile of ground beef popcorn and we get Chinese food delivered.

Place your bets now.

Pix? I'm rooting for Super Smash Bros.!

Why does your boss like plump burgers?

Right! Well...



I was assuming either it would go great, or go horribly, and as luck would have it, it landed smack dab in the middle.

Because I like to end on a positive, hopeful note, we'll start with the BADS:

1. I came out there with five little burger balls, and only three survived. The first one immediately stuck so bad that by the time I had gotten the spatula off of it, it was already peeling away from the carbonized bottom layer and shredding into what I was fearing the whole time, "burger popcorn", just torn chunks of ground beef randomly strewn around the cast-iron flat-top. One of the other four came out better, but nothing you'd be proud to serve on a bun.

2. I was trying to do too much, and too fast, and with all the commotion, I forgot to even put salt on these bitches! I took a bite of Casualty #2 up there a bit later and realized, no wonder it was a little bland. Salt is my #1 ingredient, and I have made the error of using too much about fifteen THOUSAND times, but this is the FIRST time I ever forgot to put it on at all. I was doing too much!

3. I don't think I smashed them enough, in all the panic. Given that, and the rest of the commotion, the burgers came out a tad small, which is fine for me, what with eating like a bird for the last year and a half, but those with a heartier appetite would have been disappointed.

The GOODS:

1. Look at that picture. I got the crusties going, right there on the left! Throw a little salt on that, and you've got a tasty burger!

2. One technique which I didn't believe until I did this was that "American cheese fixes everything." No matter how cockeyed and broken your burgers end up, flip 'em over and throw some Kraft on there, and it all welds back together! It's a cure-all! Look at that picture up there, that thing had to be in like three pieces before the cheese, and it ended up a single (small) burger!

3. Though there were issues, I can see where I can improve things, and of course I'm dealing with brand-new cast iron, which I understand will become more and more forgiving the more I use it, so if you want to mail me anything, just send it to BURGERTOWN, and it'll get here, cuz that's what we be doing here for the next 30 years.

4. Everyone ate dinner, Mina was happy, I didn't get any complaints, and we didn't have to order out for backup/emergency pizza. ACHIEVEMENT EARNED: "Dinner Served!"

To sum up, could have gone better, and WILL go better, but already off to an exciting start.

The smashing of burgers has just begun.

Everything goes better with Fiestaware!

Congratulations on Number one Smash, hope there will be many smashes to come. What fat percentage burger did you use?

We're an 80/20 family.

Isn't 80/20 a hoax?

80/20 is typically the standard distribution on many fronts.

Typically, 80% of the complaints are from 20% of the customers. Customer-focused organizations take complaints (and compliments) very seriously, because for every one person who complains, four more either have a negative opinion and possibly suffer in silence, or worse, use a competitor.

Take the typical monolithic software application like a word processor, or a full-service world-class compiler like GCC, CLang or Free Pascal, most people - 80% - use only 20% of the functionality. Other people very rarely use those other features, but since anyone trying to convince people to move from a proprietary application like Microsoft Word or Word Perfect to Libre Office/Open Office, you have to match all the functionality of the original (proprietary) product.

I mean, Audacity is probably the best digital editor of sound available, and has nothing to compare to in the proprietary software market, has many features I never use and a few I rarely use. But when you need that one feature it helps that it is there even if I only use it twice a year.

The 80/20 rule is very common in many industries.

So Ben eats Pareto burgers? Can we get a probability density function comic out of this?

I will be SMASHING BURGERS for lunch tomorrow. Round #2... FIGHT!

Round Two went significantly better. This is getting close to what I had dreamed about.

Now that.....!

Now that is a smash burger. Seasoning the grill help? My buddy the fireman used to take all his cast iron skillets and flat griddles to the firehouse and simmer olive oil all day until they were coated nice and slippery

AArdvark wrote: Fri Aug 06, 2021 6:33 pm Everything goes better with Fiestaware!

Congratulations on Number one Smash, hope there will be many smashes to come. What fat percentage burger did you use?

OMG, you're a Fiesta ware fan? We have 12 sets plus some random other pieces. My parents collected hundreds of pieces but I'm not a fan of heavily scratched plates. Fiesta is the shit.

pinback wrote: Fri Aug 06, 2021 5:33 pm
1. I came out there with five little burger balls, and only three survived. The first one immediately stuck so bad that by the time I had gotten the spatula off of it, it was already peeling away from the carbonized bottom layer and shredding into what I was fearing the whole time, "burger popcorn", just torn chunks of ground beef randomly strewn around the cast-iron flat-top. One of the other four came out better, but nothing you'd be proud to serve on a bun

Have you tried taking the hamburger balls and slapping them from hand to hand? I hate when patties fall apart so I started taking the balled up patties and alternating between squeezing and slapping it between my hands. The ground pieces meld together and don't break up.

Other question : is a rare Smash burger possible?

You cannot make a rare smashburger, they will always be medium but this does not affect their juiciness.

What you are describing is "overworking the meat" aka "making a flat meatball."

The Happiness Engine wrote: Sun Aug 08, 2021 2:25 pm You cannot make a rare smashburger, they will always be medium but this does not affect their juiciness.

What you are describing is "overworking the meat" aka "making a flat meatball."

OK, pls to explain what's wrong with overworking the meat. I mean I probably overwork the meat daily but rarely have hamburgers.

Since starting Smash Burger Week, the scale is now registering ten pounds higher than before Smash Burger Week.

We may take a break from Smash Burger Week at this point.