Jolt Country

(This all happened yesterday.)

With the mail and packages I found one I did not recognize. I had my roommate, Leslie Rouse, to open the box. It had a return label, so I asked him who it was from. Some couple I did not recognize. That eliminated Flack. I asked which state it was from. One state would be Jizaboz; another would be Aardvark. It was the latter! Plus a nice card and some cash (I don't want to say how much because I don't want people to think he's rich and can afford to waste money or criticize him for being miserly, so if he chooses to say so, he may do so.)

I was touched by your gift, 'Vark, and I appreciate your effort. Inside were six little bottles of alcoholic spirits. They consisted, in no particular order, of the following:

99 Root Beer - 99 proof
Bailey's Irish Cream Original
Tequila Rose Strawberry Cream
Bailey's Salted Caramel
Baileys Espresso Cream
De Kuyper Peach Schnapps - Bilingual Japanese and English label

I decided to start with the 99 Root Beer. I used a small disposable plastic cub for tasting so I would not water it down or end up putting alcohol in my water. So I didn't drop it or miss, I had Leslie pour about a finger's worth, i.e. just a taste. I very slowly raised the cup so i would just get enough to taste. I could tell it was root beer for maybe a second or so, then...

My tongue felt like it had been sprayed with acid! It burned like hell, so I immediately grabbed water and rinsed until it stopped burning. Okay, don't drink that again! So, I did the same thing with the Baileys Irish Cream. A bit creamy, then again a burn like fire/acid, but considerably less painful. Rinse again. I learned my lesson, all of them are rejected. I told my roommate Leslie he could have all of them.

Aardvark, my friend, I want to thank you for the trouble and expense of sending me this gift. In a way, I learned something. When I said I don't like the taste of alcohol, I thought it was that I found the taste not to my liking, like brussels sprouts. I didn't know it was because the product is painful to use.

So, this confirmed what I have believed all along. I do not like the taste of alcohol.

Just down the shit without the drama. Jesus Christ. So it hurts a little. Are ya a BABY? Are ya a big BABY, Paul?

Hey! Tell Leslie I activated his account and to get in here!

What's that old saying? You can lead a commander to wobbly-water but ya can't make 'em drink.

Bailey's burned your tongue? You must have a very sensitive palate. Oh well, thanks for trying.

You could always do the thing with the enema bag....

pinback wrote: Sat Jan 07, 2023 4:07 pm Just down the shit without the drama. Jesus Christ. So it hurts a little. Are ya a BABY? Are ya a big BABY, Paul?

Well, let's see: I am flat on my back and unable to move; I am unable to lift all but very light-weight items; I have to be fed by someone else, I cannot get to food; I cannot control my bowel movements; to drink from a large (16oz) cup, I have to pick it up with both hands; I wear a diaper all the time; the diaper is supposed to be changed several times each day. Are these normal characteristics of a baby? You're being silly, no baby does those things.

How about you go taste a 9-volt battery's contact points and see how you like it. Goddamn, boy, your alcoholism must have burned out a few too many of your brain cells. That's another reason you should step down from running for MVP, then votes for you might be votes to me.

Hey, you're into drinking strong liquids, try gargling some drain cleaner. Then tell me if you like that. Oh wait, never mind, with your damaged brain cells you might think I'[m serious and try it, so don't.

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:32 am What's that old saying? You can lead a commander to wobbly-water but ya can't make 'em drink.

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:32 am Bailey's burned your tongue? You must have a very sensitive palate. Oh well, thanks for trying.

Hey! I resemble that remark!
I've been a lifelong teetotaler, what do you think?

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:32 am You could always do the thing with the enema bag....

I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. I have never[/i] needed an enema to take a shit. If anything, I sometimes need the opposite of one. Seriously, please explain what you meant.

Please ignore the preceding, I was so traumatized by the memory I closed the preceding reply wrong.

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:32 am What's that old saying? You can lead a commander to wobbly-water but ya can't make 'em drink.

Hey! I resemble that remark!

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:32 am Bailey's burned your tongue? You must have a very sensitive palate. Oh well, thanks for trying.

I've been a lifelong teetotaler, what do you think?

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:32 am You could always do the thing with the enema bag....

I might, but I can't do a thing with it because it has your name on it.

A ctually, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. I have never[/i] needed an enema to take a shit. If anything, I sometimes need the opposite of one. Seriously, please explain what you meant.
[/quote]

Please ignore the preceding, I'm still so traumatized by the memory of that tragic event, I again closed the preceding reply wrong!

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:32 am What's that old saying? You can lead a commander to wobbly-water but ya can't make 'em drink.

Hey! I resemble that remark!

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:32 am Bailey's burned your tongue? You must have a very sensitive palate. Oh well, thanks for trying.

I've been a lifelong teetotaler, what do you think?

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:32 am You could always do the thing with the enema bag....

I might, but I can't do a thing with it because it has your name on it.

Actually, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. I have never needed an enema to take a shit. If anything, I sometimes need the opposite of one. Seriously, please explain what you meant.

Are you suuuure you didn't chug all the bottles?


THE
TRIPLE POST?
AARDVARK

On (Sat Nov 16, 2019 6:22 am) Commander posted:

Since this is the drunk thread, and someone mentioned rectal consumption, I have decided to combine them.

Yes, it is possible to insert a tube up the rectum and into the intestine, and use it to supply something to be consumed by that person. If that something is alcoholic, it presents a danger to the person.

Sure you don't have the slightest idea.

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 9:18 am Are you suuuure you didn't chug all the bottles?

Gulp, Gulp, Gulp!

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 9:18 am Are you suuuure you didn't chug all the bottles?

Yes, I do know what my body does, and I did not 'chug' any of them. I barely got my tongue moist.

'Vark, you are my friend, so I don't want to curse you out for implying that I did drink enough to get toasted, three sheets to the wind, and/or sloshed when I posted the same message, three times, intentionally, instead of the bullshit excuse I gave.

So just pretend I blew my stack, called you every obscene, degrading or corrosive insult, questioned the validity of your parent's marriage, accused your mother of having a loud bark, and that, horror of horrors, that you pull the tags off of mattresses*, because I was not pleased with you questioning me when I said flatly I did not drink any after tasting.

The answer is simpler: I wasn't paying attention. I thought it would be funnier to claim I was traumatized than to say what actually happened, i.e. that I screwed up. For some reason, on the first (original one) I did the copy/paste wrong, didn't finish the BBCode tags, etc., then submitted. Went through it, fixed some of the errors and submitted it again without previewing (that again too). Then realized I'd still fucked it up, so I fixed it again and was considerably more careful that time.

Actually, I wish I had thought to claim I had drunk posted, it probably would have been hilarious.

AArdvark wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 9:18 am

On (Sat Nov 16, 2019 6:22 am) Commander posted:

Yes, it is possible to insert a tube up the rectum and into the intestine, and use it to supply something to be consumed by that person. If that something is alcoholic, it presents a danger to the person.

Sure you don't have the slightest idea.

That was absolutely brilliant, using my own words against me. It was however, three years ago and the guy in Wuhan, China probably hadn't even eaten "the dead bat that bit back." I simply did not remember and thus the enema reference went over my head.


* I could also say you pulled the wings off flies, instead of tags & mattresses, but I wanted it to sound funny, not claim you're sociopathic.