It just all became too much. The struggle with depression, anxiety, feeling like I'd thrown my life away. I could have saved myself by being a great father or husband, but I've been neither. After 52 years, that was just enough. I couldn't do it anymore.
Last night, I tried to kill myself. I didn't want anything messy, just wanted it all to end, quietly, gently.
I went down to the garage, closed the garage door, sat in my car and just let it run.
After an hour and a half, I remembered I just bought a Kia EV-6 full-electric vehicle!
DeForest Kelley, long before he became Dr. McCoy on Star Trek, did a short segment in an unsold pilot, about a man in a small 2-room apartment, who is depressed at his failures: never married, broke, bills piled up, living in a room, and hasn't accomplished anything, decides to commit suicide, sticks his head into the oven, turns on the gas oven, and waits. After 20 minutes, nothing has happened. So he goes to check the connection when he notices a colored envelope on top of the mail. It's a notice from the gas company, informing him that his gas will be disconnected for non-payment on the 12th. The calendar shows it's the 14th, meaning his gas was shut off. He turns to the camera, and says is life is so bad he can't even kill himself!
Ben, do you realize you have a wife and child, and probably several credit cards, that depend on you for support, do you really want to leave them out in the cold? Are you aware if you commit suicide, your life insurance probably won't pay death benefits? Losing someone is bad, do you really want to leave your widow to suffer the loss of you, the income you provide to the household, and a daughter without a father? Call 988 and talk to them. They may be able to help.
Look, if there is anyone who should be suicidal, it's me. I've skated by most of my life, not accomplishing much, just getting by, first ending up in a wheelchair but with some mobility, but now, I have, through my own fault, a ruined body, a crumpled left hand, a partially bent right hand, paralyzed from the armpits down, completely dependent on others for food, water, bathing and waste disposal. I despise having to depend on others; I've been independent almost all of my life. Even when i was wheelchair bound, I bathed, dressed, and fed myself; I cooked, shopped in stores, and when I ordered food to be delivered, I answered the door. I took my clothes three blocks to the laundromat, washed them, and carried them home. I was still able to do all these things on my own, but not anymore. If there's anyone who should be suicidal, it's yours truly. I'm feeling fine, and have many projects to keep me busy. I'm quite happy, and look forward to all the tasks I can complete. Do I get frustrated? Sometimes, but whatever the problem is, I work to come up with a solution.
I still think life is worth living.
"Baby, I was afraid before
I'm not afraid, any more."
- Belinda Carlisle, Heaven Is A Place On Earth
I had forgotten the significance of the date.-Ben, i view of your revelation of an April Fools' Day joke, I have just one thing to say from looking at the picture.
With a wife who looks like that, now I understand why you want to commit suicide!
"Baby, I was afraid before
I'm not afraid, any more."
- Belinda Carlisle, Heaven Is A Place On Earth
Ben's wife is extremely good looking. Sorry she didn't doll herself up to your standards while buying an electric vehicle with the all elusive third and fourth wheels, PAL.
