Jolt Country

In this thread, Lex and I talk about Laser Squad Nemesis. Which was done by the X-COM guys.

Okay, lay it on the line for me, Lex, and summarize your e-mails. I got them all at the same time and read them late last night. If I spring for a couple copies of the game can we play indefinitely? Or is it always a pay-per-month deal?

I am going to give you the interstellar thumping of your life, by the way. You better allocate your tactical resources towards getting your guys drunk the night before we play, because they are going to have their heads shot off their bodies at T-Minus MY FISTS.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear that Robb, there was just this little illegible line squiggling about my screen, smelling faintly of shit.

Okay, yeah, it's pay-per-month, *BUT*, I can buy a "Retail" version, which I think only exists over here, which gives me 3 free months subscription. With that subscription I can challenge

1) Any other subscribed person for full-on, tactical-style combat. With a bunch of races, more lasers, and amusing sound effects made from the squashing of apples speeded up until it sounds like a sort of "Eeesqueeklesh". I can also challegenge:

2) A filthy, poor Hobo, such as yourself, or the "unsubscribed"; When playing against someone who is unsubscribed, they can only play as Marines, we only have 3 maps to choose from, and I'm pretty sure they take away the really *cool* apple-based sound-effects. However, it's more'n enough for us to find out if we actually like the game or not; if not, I'll still have a subscription for 3 months to hit some other people before I throw it in the trash. The Grays are not introduced yet.


Oh, yeah, and her hair is dark.

Oh, hey, I've never done this before, so:

I'm calling you out, biatch. Give it all you want. The fact that I get whipped in the "Tutorial" mode by the "Retard Droids" controlled by "Shaky McAngus" does not change my confidence level one bit; YOU SHALL DIE.

Lex wrote:Okay, yeah, it's pay-per-month

These guys need to grow up and give me the damn option to buy the game permanently. I'm trying to get into this, but I hate subscription games.

2) A filthy, poor Hobo, such as yourself, or the "unsubscribed"; When playing against someone who is unsubscribed, they can only play as Marines

It used to be that the Christians and Military only had names for people who weren't them. With "The Unsubscribed," it's obvious that Laser Squad Nemesis players now feel that they should be part of this group as well.

Oh, yeah, and her hair is dark.

You will be going blonde suddenly after I start playing you in this so that your hair color can match the yellow streak down your bad-tactics back, you outback, pumping-humping coward.

Gonna buy it tonight.

It's funny that you think I won't completly, utterly, kick your ass. It is not enough to defeat you; I will steal from you the only confidence you have; the confidence in video games. There will be no mercy, no hold-your-fire order; If there's ammo in the gun, and I'm trained on your sweet, deliscious brains, I will pull the trigger. And again. And again. Damn straight, that's one more time than Kaiser Sozech.

You seen the rape scene in A Clockwork Orange? It's horrific because she's destroyed, her life meens nothing any more. Well, let's get it on, as you say. And if I win, I think I *probably* win moderator access for this BBS; you will obviously no longer be trusted enough to look after it yourself.


Yeah, I just tried again; I won against the Tutorial Droids! By default. I don't know what this crazy new default-class weapon is, but it sounds creepy, and alien; When I figure out how to use it (apparently by making my one last man hide in the toilets for 20 turns), you are going down.

Guys? Can I play? I'm good at games.

You? You, little worm?

Sure.

Awesome way of using my nick against me. It has not been ever used in that manner either. My Liege! I bow to you Lex the true king of comedy!

Don't rubber and glue my goddamn BBS.

Anyway. Does LSN have a menage a trois mode?

Not... yet. I think it's 1v1 ATM, but chances are it's one of those things they'll do eventually, like putting a man on the moon, or getting sensible posts out of me.



Still, either of us can challenge him, filthy unsubscribed as he is, but he'll only be able to play as the Marines. Which is fine, because marines *rock*.

Also: Worm, I didn't meen it that way. I was actually gonna put a capitol on that li'l wrigglin' word right there, but I was using a laptop.

Lex wrote:Also: Worm, I didn't meen it that way. I was actually gonna put a capitol on that li'l wrigglin' word right there, but I was using a laptop.

Oh, okay.

So, I have to buy the retail version? Then, I have a bunch of scum bags trying to ostracize me from the gameplay because I'm not a maggot who has too much money to burn to be enlisted in an elistist community(which is effectively is AOL keyword "Slingo")? What type of game is this?

It's the kind of game where YOU pay $7 to play it for a month. Or, don't, but you can only play as the marines, and only on 3 maps.

So I don't have to pay at all? Is this a FPS or what?

Lex wrote:And if I win, I think I *probably* win moderator access for this BBS; you will obviously no longer be trusted enough to look after it yourself.

Wait, what'll happen to me? Do I get mummified all Egyptian-style and buried with my vanquished cohort? Am I inherited by the new board kingpin, as a perk to this position? Am I set free, to maybe or maybe not to have hungry dogs set out after me as I trek through the woods, thinking I have a future? Or am I sold down the river to the highest bidder, Ebay style? What?

Lex wrote: Well, let's get it on, as you say. And if I win, I think I *probably* win moderator access for this BBS; you will obviously no longer be trusted enough to look after it yourself.

I'll play you for control of the BBS for a week. No sweat. Best of Three to start out. If you win, you get mod access and I don't for one week. If I win, you have to write a gaming-related article for the site.

Wait, what'll happen to me? ... Or am I sold down the river to the highest bidder, Ebay style?

Ah. Lex, maybe we should change the bet to make it so that the girlfriend of the loser has to make out with the girlfriend of the winner. This should happen after Vitriola's next birthday (Sunday) but before Kez's next birthday, if you're digging my ditch here, and I think you are.

See, that's the kind of contest even I'm willing to bet on. Yeah, alright.

But I want to make one thing absolutley clear;

Should I win, the ::fingerguns:: emoticon will be usable, and anyone who uses the word "emoticons" will have it changed to something witty, amusing and Ghey.

But, let's keep this match above the, err, "ditch", thanks.

LSN's website wrote: When you purchase your subscription it is a one-time charge and your credit card is not continuously debited. When your subscription expires you will be informed by email with instructions about continuing your subscription.

Okay, I feel a lot better about getting this game now.

Laser Squad Nemesis status: PURCHASED.

The funny part is, I've been into LSN since its release date, and could utterly destroy any of you without even looking at the screen once.

But do you see me coming on here, pounding my chest and posturing like a child? Of course not.

I like to think I'm above that.

The only way you'd beat me is familiarity with the game itself. As soon as I get a few games in, I would fucking destroy you and everything you've ever held dear.

Look, asshole, thinking about shit, coming up with tactics and implementing battle plans is what I fucking do all day. NONE of you have ANY idea what it is like to live this life. Every fucking MOMENT I engage in is either a carefully considered step towards a greater master plan or a temporary obstacle that I end up solving by swishing a few of my many and larger-than-yours brain cells to and fro.

I have an entire room setup in Apartment #L201 simply for scheming. For SCHEMING the slippery vaginal juices right out of you miserable motherfuckers.

Let's look carefully at each other's lives in a really broad sense:

ICE CREAM JONSEY
o Knew what he wanted out of life
o Went out and fucking got it

Laser Squad Nemesis Early Analysis: A formidable combination of Sun Tzu, Col. John "Hannibal" Smith, Batman and the ever-taunting 'Cruel Puppet' from Zork Zero.

PINBACK
o Knew what he wanted out of life
o Is currently running helter-skelter over the country in an attempt to get away from it all

Laser Squad Nemesis Early Analysis: Will spend all of his time moving his guys around on the screen in a wholly aimless and directionless fashion, not unlike frightened sight-seeing. Will not give enemies a world of pain, but instead, televisions and alley cats. Will surrender if he thinks his neighbors might be woken up by the sounds of simulated gunfire coming from his admittedly nice and new laptop.

ADVANTAGE: When the grey aliens are crash landing their saucers down onto mother earth, Gaia wants her children to step up and bring the fucking noise and <strike>keep up with the</strike> knock the shit out of the Joneses, not turn the volume down and lay down like a funtime swallow bitch to the Jonseyes.