Equilibrium and the common house cat

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Fri Oct 10, 2003 6:37 pm

After hearing a tip that an ordinary housecat (felis domesticus) has extreme difficulty standing up when a cloth or bandana is wrapped about it's midsection prompted me, as an enlightened scientist in the Gary Larson vein, to perform preliminary experiments. ..

(NOTICE: No animals were injured in the course of these experiments. Slightly put-out maybe, but injured, never.)

It would seem that, after several attempts to stand and run away after said bandana was attached to the alleged animal, the cat became more upset emotionally than disoriented and flopped over repeatedly in an angry attempt to remove the offending 'clothing'.
(this goes a long way to explain why they make hoodies for dogs but not cats)

Having tied the cloth rather snugly about the cat and using knots not found in a Boy Scout handbook, the cat speedily removed itself from the testing kitchen and resorted to hiding under the bed and emmiting a noise not unlike a distant planing mill. This posed an uncertian conclusion to the experiment as now I have to crawl into the dark, dusty, cat infested regions to secure the safe release of the test animal.
Unfortunatly this scientist overlooked clipping the front claws before starting out in this Nobel-prize-pursuit, and after several ROY-Like incidents, at last had to resort to gardening gloves and a leather jacket for protective body armor in order to remove the cloth from the control subject.

Next up.. Band-Aids and iodine, are YOU prepared?

THE
DARE I SLEEP TONIGHT?
AARDVARK

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Fri Oct 10, 2003 8:33 pm

THE STIMULUS: A Blue Bandana

TEST SUBJECT #1: NEWTON, THE FAT ONE

When bandana is applied around the midsection of cat #1, the subject begins to stand up, and then immediately sits back down again. One can not reasonably draw any conclusions from this behavior, however, as the theme obsessing Newtion at any given time is 'if I stand for a second, I can lay down again!' He looked at me imploringly, which is also status quo, as he only eats twice a day, and it is an hour until dinner time. This is the time of evening at which I am most guarded, and rarely during this time do I extend any extremities within reach of him.

TEST SUBJECT #2: BEAVIS, THE WHINY ONE

Before I go on to chronicle the results of this test, I find it important to note that when trying to remove the bandana from the midsection of Newton, I noticed he had gotten the end of 1 corner caught on one of his teeth, and was larding around with the bandana wrapped around his waist and caught on an incisor. He had tried to eat the bandana.

Upon tying the blue bandana around the middle of Beavis, she uttered 1 abbreviated whine, and waddled drunkenly several feet away before laying down near the couch, looking around as if noticing the room for the first time, pretending that nothing was wrong. Noticing Beavis' fixation on the ceiling and unwillingness to move nary an inch, Newton tries to eat her.

TEST SUBJECT #3: SPOCK, THE PRETTY ONE

Feeling that something was amiss on this particular Friday night, and not just that I'm sober, Spock took some wheedling to coax her out of the bathroom. Upon the tying of the bandana, she launches herself out of my grip and runs about 8 feet away, at which point she screeches to a halt, and looks back at me in complete disbelief that I have done this to her. She follows this up with another blast forward and uncomprehending, agog expression. Failing this method working, she then tries to outrun the bandana by moving just as quickly backwards, and backs into the couch, at which point I receive an even more dumbfounded glance. She just jumped up onto the CD shelf and attempted to fly out of the bandana.

Tracking her down to retire the cloth for the evening, I find her atop the Crystal Castles game, trying to slide out of her constraints, desperately imploring Bentley Bear to aid her in this time of need.

This Friday night has been brought to you by the makers of fine cloth squares, and is about to be brought to you by those lovabe buffons at the Southern Comfort bottling facility.

LG to lazy to log in · Sun Oct 12, 2003 5:33 am

You have a cat named Beavis? That ROCKS!

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Mon Oct 13, 2003 8:12 am

You have a cat named Beavis?

Did you realize at the time how silly that would sound once "B&B" were past their fifteen minutes of fame?

Handy hint: Never name an animal after a trendy and sure-to-be-shortlived fictional character.

For example: Alf, K.I.T.T, Spuds, Beavis, Beethoven (the movie dog, not the composer), Stimpy, Doogie, Dawson, etc.

Unless, of course, the animal is expected to die within a year or two, before the name becomes creaky and embarressing.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Oct 13, 2003 8:55 am

This could be the greatest thread of all-time if and only if people do not sidetrack it. JQW, you have two cats.

Experiments on them, please!

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:38 pm

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:Did you realize at the time how silly that would sound once "B&B" were past their fifteen minutes of fame?

I do have a cat named Beavis. I did not name her Beavis because that was 'trendy' at the time, and that you could assume that when right underneath I inform the board that I have a cat named 'Spock' is just selective reading, at best. But hey, Spock helped me nail ICJ, and perhaps the Beavis moniker will work for me in some capacity in the future, too.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:55 pm

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:You have a cat named Beavis?

Did you realize at the time how silly that would sound once "B&B" were past their fifteen minutes of fame?

My female cat is named Yoda ... it makes no fucking sense I'm told.

I used a dirty moist cleaning rag.

First, I tried it on the one cat we have with a nervous condition ... she's licked off a good part of her hair. Didn't react and only walked slightly odd afterwards. Next, I tried it on the orange one that hates everyone but me ... even threw him to the dogs to get him moving ... did that moving pretty well. I'll grab the other two when I see them.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Mon Oct 13, 2003 3:14 pm

Ever notice how you can tell alot about people by how their cats behave? Jeff's are bombastic shit-talkers until something outside their comforting, curtailed little world confronts them, and then they become scared, hiding pillowbiters until it's all over.

Worm's are neurotic, self-mutilating basket-cases who welcome the prospect of potential death with reactions ranging from apathy to whole-hearted embracing.

Vitriola's are clingy, co-dependent, whiny wretches who can't be left alone for 15 minutes without threatening a walk-by peeing in the laundry basket.

Very interesting.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Oct 13, 2003 3:17 pm

Vitriola wrote:Ever notice how you can tell alot about people by how their cats behave? Jeff's are bombastic shit-talkers until something outside their comforting, curtailed little world confronts them, and then they become scared, hiding pillowbiters until it's all over.

Ah-hahah! FUNNY CUZ TRUE.

I remember the time I brought over all 30 pounds of my cocker spaniel to the place Jeff and I were holed up within. Weeney, Phoebe and various other denizens that were best directed towards the city reservoir bailed like the last batch of immigrants on the Titanic.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Mon Oct 13, 2003 6:01 pm

This doesn't seem to be working too well for me. Am I supposed to tie it really tight? Is anywhere between the front and hind legs the "midsection"?

Teufel ZeKK · Post by **Teufel ZeKK** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 7:16 pm

Test apparatus: A bandana of indeterminite color. (Editor's note: After attempting experiment with one bandana it apparently became quite obvious a king size bed sheet was needed for test subject.)

Test Subject: Matedire (My roommate, seeing as I have no cats and the dogs are too busy humping each other for me to want to be in the same room with them for longer than it takes to grab a mountain dew and hurdle the gate back into the safety of my living room)

Now, As I quickly found out, one bandana was just not gonna be enough to tie around the midsection of my roommate, I was gauging just how many bandanas I would need while watching him sweat while playing Soul Caliber 2. He looked at me with a frightened glance and said in a trembling voice, "What are you up to now?"

"Oh nothing. Say that game looks pretty interesting...is that all you do? just fight other people al la street fighter but with swords and less clothing?"

"Actually there's more clothing because you can unlock hidden skimpy costumes"

"wonderful, keep playing. I'll be right back"

When I returned with said bedsheet for experiment, I noticed the PS2 abandoned and the back door wide open. I must of spooked him again. Good thing to know he's not in the best physical shape so no worries of him jumping the fence. So with flashlight, and bedsheet in hand I ventured out into the rotting junkyard that is my backyard in search of my hapless test subject.

5 minutes after walking outside, run back in fending off the advances of 2 obviously gay and horny dachunds who want to takes my knees' virginity. Decide to wait until test subject calms down and goes to sleep to perform experiment.

2am use spare key to sneak into test subject's room to perform experiment. Listen for 5 minutes to his mumbled ranting about Famke Jansen and Rockstar's new Game Manhunt and leave in disgust.

Realize test subject would probably not even realize anything had changed if subjected to experiment. Give up.

Waiting for Daughter to come over to continue experiment.

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 7:49 am

Soul Blade fucking sucks ass, and is the worst fighting game in existance except for, maybe, War Gods. Thank you.

PS: Got ahold of Guilty Gears XX. Absolutely, rocks (pun intended but please don't kill me), although I personally had a hard time playing the game because I just couldn't quite grasp the fighting system for some strange reason. My friends love it to death, though, so I suppose that's good.

Jack Straw · Post by **Jack Straw** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:13 am

And now there's a Jap version out with OMG more characters and OMG a new level.

Nab it if you have one of those nifty modification pretzels or whatever they are.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:05 am

Shouldn't someone of notified us of a thread hijack?

The Grammar Lady · Post by **The Grammar Lady** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 12:58 pm

Worm wrote:Shouldn't someone of notified us of a thread hijack?

I think you mean to say "Shouldn't have someone notified us of a thread hijack?" or "Should someone have notified us of a thread hijack?"

I'm sure someone on the board could recommend a good grammar book if necessary. When in doubt, try pasting your post into a word document and let microsoft check it for you.

Mary Newton Bruder a.k.a. The Grammar Lady

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:52 pm

By the same rule I couldn't say:
"Couldn't someone of notified of us of a thread hijack?"
"Wouldn't you hit that shit?"
"Could you come in my mouth?"
"Shouldn't you know the difference between right and wrong?"
These just sound fine to me.
Is this off the basis that "Should not someone ..." sounds odd? Everyone uses "Doesn't it?" which is "Does not it?" where as it should be "Does it not?" so is that incorrect also?

Jack Straw · Post by **Jack Straw** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:58 pm

No, "shouldn't of" is way off.
You should no this, you goddamn grammar police! How many times have you corrected me??

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:02 pm

Well, I typed "Shouldn't someone of".

Roody_Yogurt · Post by **Roody_Yogurt** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:05 pm

The point is that the "of" is supposed to be "have," as in "Shouldn't someone have." "Of" is all wrong.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:08 pm

Oh dear.