loafergirl wrote:That's scary I was just talking about that with a friend the other day, we're probably going to play tonight.
No
!!!
Not you too! How do... no, why do otherwise reasonable people find themselves afflicted with poor judgment and a hatred of their own very souls in this. Is this because you decided you want to stop bathing for a while, Loafer Girl, and you though this would be the best way to make it socially acceptable? Please, do not let this be that. I would hate to see you make sacrifices along those lines to ingratiate yourself into the swarthy culture you seem to be anchoring yourself to.
Wither Ice Age? Wither Homelands? Wither Mirrodin?
I hate to see you, my friend, like this, caught in a whirlpool of funk and sin
Wither Legends? Wither Portal? Wither Scourge?
The Expansion Packs, I mean Starter Packs, twist your mind and will within their hellish forge
Wither Prophecy, Onslaught, Odyssey?
Oh, I ache for my friends' former personalities!
Wither Beatdown? Unglued? Exodus?
Soon it will come and capture all of us.
And wither Visions? Wither Mirage? Finally, wither
Invasion?
YOUR DECEASE LEAVES ME HURTIN YOUR DEATHS LEAVE ME A-RAAAAA-AAAGIN'
!!!!
A friend. Let me tell you about one of the friends that I lost to this... this "Magic: The Gathering."
Her name was Willow. She was as beautiful as the sun coming up on the hills on a mild summer day. She was as sharp as the eye of a thousand pins, as creative as the sketchbooks of a thousand Vincent Van Goghs. We used to play all day long, just rolling about in each other's arms, so free, so wonderfully together, so brilliantly made for each other.
And then, one day. The day that I like to call "The End of Everything." We took a break from rolling down into valleys in each other's arms and wandered into a Software Etc. I checked the shelves for the latest game in the "Tales of the Unknown" series -- a series that we would all later, better, know as "The Bard's Tale." Nothing was there, but I was convinced that there was a new game in the series, so I began a discussion with the plump, unhappy man behind the counter.
And Willow? My beautiful, fragile, raised-by-nyphs-and-roses Willow? She innocently turned and guiltlessly entered the "trading card" section of the store. Her beautiful doe-like eyes spied the cover art of some "Magic: The Gathering" cards. A new expansion pack had just made it to the stores that day! Huzzah!
The clerk opened the box. Willow was the only person in the area. But something about the clerk opening up his blade and cutting the box loose... well,
it spoke to people. (Though I hardly feel I can call them that any longer, ptui.) And as she went to touch the delightful images like
this guy hundreds of thousands of disgusting, unwashed MtG nerds descended upon her and trampled her and pulped her into a gooey grease.
And do you know what happened next? DO YOU, LOAFER GIRL? DO YOU KNOW WHAT WAS SAID NEXT, as I lay there weeping for my love's lost life?
One of the little geeks had the unmitigated audacity to ask the clerk if possibly he could get a different unopened Expansions box "without that one bitch's brain goo and chunks of squooshed organs all over it."
These... animals, sorry, but there is no other way to describe them, these ANIMALS triumphed that day. That I confess to you. That I confess to you all. But ever since, I have done everything I could to make them rue their victory and turn it decidely pyrrhic. I hunt them now, Loafer Girl. I do it all the time! I did it last weekend! They're
animals! And I slaughtered them
like animals! I hate them!!!*
Regretfully yours,
Ice Cream Jonsey
* Yes, I wrote this entire post from start to finish just to quote Hayden Christensen in _Attack of the Clones_.
