Jolt Country

Most of us look back on High School as either really fun or really traumatic. Either way here are some tips/rules for everybody entering their high school years.

Boys.

1. Nail every girl possible. High School is one huge boiling sex pot. The more girls you screw the better chances you have of sleeping with someone who later becomes famous. And that’s one of life’s precious feathers in your cap when you’re 30 and working at Applebee’s.

2. YOU WILL regret not screwing every decent looking girl you had at least a 5% chance to "GIT" with.

3. If you’re a jock or popular be nice to the freaky/hippie/lonely/gothic and/or smelly kids. They will be less apt to blow up your school on April 20th, and they are the kids you will be buying your drugs from in college.

4. If you are one of the Freaky/hippie/lonely/gothic smelly kids, be nice to the jocks and popular kids, you can sell them dope, they can score you hot chicks.

5. Shave your head, right now. Otherwise every time you visit your mom for the next 30 years you will have to stare at whatever horrible haircut you had that was “IN”. (If you don’t believe me ask anyone who graduated in 1989).

6. Make sure someone dies in a horrific DWI accident after your Junior Prom. It makes a decent yearbook and you’ll have something funny to talk about for years.

7. Smash whoever bullies you the most, across the face, with a pair of brass knuckles. He will always remember not to fuck with the little people when he’s a middle manager.

8. Remember if you’re not a good student, the chicks are dumber and hotter at Community College.

9. If you’re a high school Hockey player or Wrestler, for God’s sake SODOMY IS NOT A PART OF HAZING!

10. You better get on that Spanish exchange student buddy; they don’t have hot Spanish exchange students at work.

11. And finally never, ever go down on a chick in high school, she feels awkward about her body and won’t appreciate it.


Girls

1. Blowjobs= Popular

2. Be mean to fat girls, they will develop an eating disorder. You’re doing them a favor

3. If you have to get pregnant, get knocked up by a smart kid; at least he’ll provide a decent child-support check for the next 18 years.

4. If you’re ugly see No. 1

5. If you’re not “ready” and your boyfriend is- break up with the poor bastard. No guy should have to go to college a virgin.

6. Wow you are All-County in girl’s basketball. Nobody gives a fuck.

7. No girl over 14 should ride the bus to school, find the biggest loser with a car, he’ll be more than happy to give you a ride.

8. IF you’re a decent looking girl you should never get less than a B in any class taught by a middle-aged guy teacher.

9. Embrace your women hood. It will get you out of Phys Ed once a month.

10. When you feel you can’t take it anymore and you don’t know what to do. Remember rule #1.

Gays.

1. Nobody in High School likes gays. Wait till college to start wearing pantyhose(guys)/stop shaving your arm pits (girls). They love gays in college.

2. Make sure you actually are and aren’t one of those guys who just enjoy chorus.

3. Your parents aren’t interested either.

4. If you must be gay, at least be a chick.

5. If you happen to be a gay guy, go to Catholic school. It’s chock full of gays, even some of the students are.

6. If you happen to be a gay guy see rule#1 for girls.


I hope this helps.

Knuckles the CLown wrote: 11. And finally never, ever go down on a chick in high school, she feels awkward about her body and won’t appreciate it.

Bullshit.

They do so appreciate it, and often were quite vocal about it. Some of them are still my friends years later, and that's probably why, since it's certainly not my sparkling personality.

Bruce

bruce wrote:

Knuckles the CLown wrote: 11. And finally never, ever go down on a chick in high school, she feels awkward about her body and won’t appreciate it.

Bullshit.

They do so appreciate it, and often were quite vocal about it. Some of them are still my friends years later, and that's probably why, since it's certainly not my sparkling personality.

Bruce

roll +5 to FAG!!!

Sr Alec Harper the LARPer wrote:

bruce wrote:

Knuckles the CLown wrote: 11. And finally never, ever go down on a chick in high school

Bullshit.

roll +5 to FAG!!!

Oh, is MONKEY MONKEY back?

I admit to enjoying the old tuna taco more than most, while my mouth remains a cock-free zone.

Bruce

bruce wrote:

Sr Alec Harper the LARPer wrote:

bruce wrote: Bullshit.

roll +5 to FAG!!!

Oh, is MONKEY MONKEY back?

I admit to enjoying the old tuna taco more than most, while my mouth remains a cock-free zone.

Bruce

Who is monkey monkey?


roll -2 to INTELLGENT!!

- You will always regret not beating the shit out of that asshole/bitch that started with you, and you were too afraid you'd 'get in trouble' to fight back.

- You will always regret not sneaking out at night, listening to rock music, and smoking a bowl with your friends because you were too afraid you'd get in trouble.

- You will regret not having a party when you had the chance for the same reason.

- You will regret not skipping the occasional class. If it's nice out, go for it.

- If your friend has no fucking clue how to dress his/herself, help them out.

- Don't look down on the people that dress weirdly; they listen to better music than you do.

- The bartender is going to spike the girls' shirley temples at the pre-prom restaurant. Especially if they're dressed like gin-bar piano singers. Guys, take advantage of this.

- Go to your prom. Even for 15 minutes. You'll never see a collection of 16 year olds in tight lowcut dresses again until your daughter is one of them.

- Sodomy may not be a part of wrestling, but apparently keeping the boner stat is. Always be nice to your female scorekeepers.

Isn't bond the only guy in highschool here? I failed miserably based on that check list too.

Noodles the Dog wrote:- If your friend has no fucking clue how to dress his/herself, help them out.

I tried, but Vitriola insisted on the purple and fuschia sparkly sweater.

Noodles the Dog wrote:- Don't look down on the people that dress weirdly; they listen to better music than you do.

Think you're wrong here. Did you miss the part about Exposee?

Noodles the Dog wrote:- Sodomy may not be a part of wrestling, but apparently keeping the boner stat is. Always be nice to your female scorekeepers.

Oh, did you go to Saratoga High too? As the female wrestling manager and scorekeeper, I used to do a double hash mark next to every boner during matches. One book only had one guy with no double hash mark (he wore a jock). I copied it and passed it around chorus (which most of the wrestlers were in, oddly).

Of course, one said wrestler took my virginity under a staircase during a loop of "Kinky Reggae." Speaking of which, Vitriola, I still have the picture of EJ putting money down Geoff's pants.