Jolt Country

It had a great run there, but "Bye Bye, Grandpa Loves You" has finally been supplanted as the funniest TV commercial of all time. Your new winner is:

This is an ad for something, and I'm not sure what, whether it's a psychiatric office, or a counseling group, or a militant pro-life organization trolling for future victims, but it is appealing to those who are "suffering the pain of an abortion" (presumably not the fetuses themselves).

It starts with a depressed-sounding guy, drearily providing the voiceover to the images of himself puttering around the kitchen, and he's bemoaning various things: "I never did the dishes. I was never there... and because I was never around, I feel like, neither is my child."

This goes on for a bit as they tell you the numbers to call and why YES you're a scumbag, but they'll listen to your weak-ass sob story anyway for a few bucks, you baby murderer you.

And then right at the end, the guy lets loose with perhaps the greatest single sentence ever uttered on any form of broadcast media:

"I do the dishes now... but I can never seem to get them clean."

H- Hehe- BBBrgfhh-- Nthchchkk--

....BWAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHHA AH AH AHH AHHAHAHHAHAHHA HA HAHAHA HAHHAHAH HA HA HHAHAHAH HAH AH AH AHHAHAHAHHA HAHAH AHHHAHHAHAHA HAH HAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHA HAHHAHAHHA HAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhHHhHh HhhhhhhhhhhhhhHhhHhhhhhhhhhhh h hh h h h h

I want it on DVD so I can play it over and over and over and over and over again, all day long. THEN, I would truly be a happy person.

Please to explain how that's funny, you bold-faced laugher, you.

It's the sort of thing where, if you don't get it, you don't get it.

Say, that's pretty funny.

I've got some weird radio commercials to note, myself. The most notable one is one where this dad is forcing this kid (the dad says he is four but the dad is quite obviously a Bill Clinton stuffing his cock in Monica's face liar because that kid is older than fucking 4) to walk this, apparently, huge growling pitbull-type of a dog--which, naturally, goes out of his control and starts eating a cat while the kid is yelling in horror--and then this *very* earnist woman comes on, and she says: "You wouldn't treat your kid like an adult, would you? <I>So why would you let them wear adult-sized seat belts?</I>" Man, I swear, I cracked up at that for a solid minute.

That is truly excellent. Even better is the thought of the writers sitting around their ratty old card table, smell of old coffee permeating every corner of the room, looking at the copy they wrote and going, "Yeah. Yeah, man, this really works. This is good."

Radio should be outlawed.

pinback wrote:"I do the dishes now... but I can never seem to get them clean."

Aaaagggh-hahaaaahaahaaaa!!!!

The "message" seems to be that if you own a dishwasher, you can kill all the unborn babies you like.

Personally, I start popping RU-486 pills on Monday and don't stop until breakfast on Sunday. Just on the off-chance that we get hit with a terrible radiation cloud and the men start having to deliver babies. I've got my system well prepared for "the morning after" in pill form and in anything else.

Plus, they're delicious. Candy coated, bite-sized, orange flavouring... who doesn't like these things? They can't get orange Tic-Tacs in Britain, but they can get those. An even trade!

Revisiting OnStar hell, they've gotten even worse. I was driving and not really paying attention, and somebody just started SCREAMING at me from the speakers.

Here's a typical OnStar moment:

"OnStar"

"WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"Ok ma'am I'm sending emergency servoices to your location"

"Polic---WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKGHffffhic"

"This is OnStar, we have an emergency at--"

"ZOOOOMBIEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!"

"Ma'am? It might be awhile before---"

"They KILLED MY HUSBAND. THE ZOMBIES RIPPED OFF HIS HEAD"

"We'll try and pinpoint their location."

Ha! Funny! You see what she did there? Hyperbole! Absurdity for the sake of absurdity, kind of like that band Dream Theater.

Me-YOW, Bugs.

And now, my impression of 80% of all TV & Radio commercials made in the last three years:

"[some statement about some topic which you have never given two seconds of thought about], right? WRONG!"

So Pinner any chance you can some how get this commercial on the net? I mean I'm guessing it tops the Canadian spousal abuse ads.

Bugs wrote:Absurdity for the sake of absurdity, kind of like that band Dream Theater.

Scary. I was wearing my Dream Theater t-shirt when I wrote that, and I honestly haven't worn it for 2-3 years before Friday. GG, Bugs.

Today on the radio I heard a creepy child-woman's voice in very Freddie Krueger nursery rhyme style sing-song "when it's going round and round but it isn't flushing down, call Urgent Rooter, Urgent Rooter".

Mommeeeee :(

2005 Presents: MORE END OF AN ERA

Even worse than the commercial wherein I am informed that it isn't my job, my relationships or my clothes that defines my personality, but MY WATCH, is the commercial I saw a couple hours ago wherein Fitzgerald's Casinos pulls a KISS by having their jingle announce, in the loudest and smarmiest accent possible, that they have the loosest sluts, the loosest sluts in Colorado, you won't believe how loose their sluts (slots) are.

A few minutes later there was a commercial for Dawn dish detergent promoted by none other than an oil-slicked duck, telling me that nothing beats Dawn as far as HE'S concerned for powerful duck de-oiling ability, which nearly made me cry and go out and buy 2 cases.

Would you buy insurance from a duck as well?

THE DUCKS ARE TAKING OVER! THE DUCKS ARE TAKING OVER! aaieeeeee!


THE
BETTER GET TURKEY LURKEY
IN HERE, HE'S GOT A VOICEOVER
FOR JENNY-O AT 4:PM
AARDVARK

Diamonds are forever. diamonds... they'll take her breath away. Diamonds... they'll make her speechless.

Diaonds... they'll finally get her to shut up. Lolololololololroflmaololololol.

I love the base commercialism of diamond ring commercials. Nothing lasts forever except a big chunk of $69105 rock, available in all stores now! It'll outlast your shitty little Las Vegas marriage for thousands and thousands of years! Even when you are both decrepit old whithered oxygenarrians floating in a tank of formaldehide the diamond ring you just blew your five childrens' college plans on will be floating beside you, whole, mocking you for spending more money than most people make in a year on something which is actually completely useless. GGTHXbye^_^!1!!1!1!!

Why give loved ones diamonds, when you can just kill them and make them into diamonds?

=(