Jolt Country

So, anyway, here's the setup. For whatever reason, my old computer had this terrible problem with overheating on anything involving 3D accelleration. This made playing a lot of modern games a pain in the ass. However, using my patented "ignore it and it'll go away" problem solving method, I not only didn't do anything more complex than get a new fan on my 3D card to attempt to fix the problem, I also kept buying games. Some of them, for whatever reason, ran okay for a while, most of them had save anywhere so I'd just pound the quicksave key like a madman and reboot my computer a bunch. However, unless a game both had save everywhere and was good enough for to overcome my frustration (Deus Ex, Warcraft 3, Freedom Force) I tended to not to play them for very long. This plus the bundle of old crappy software that came with my board and 3D card means I have just this intense backlog of games I haven't played much if at all. So, rather than play them, I'm going to write REVIEWZ. Ratings will be assinged based on the only scientific method I can determine: how long did I play them before wandering off to the next one in the queue.

Up first:

Star Trek: Bridge Commander

Total Playing Time: Four Hours

I really wanted to like this game. Especially after the sneak preview I got when I bought it last where I thought it would be totally awesome if I could keep it running long enough to get to the next save point. Truth is, though, it's kind of a dull game. Rather than a daring man of action like Kirk, a stately statesman like Picard, a wiley tactition like Sisko, or even a neurotic closeted lesbo like Janeway, the anonymous captain who's chair you embody is basically the the world's most spineless yes-man. Here's an excerpt for the rejected TV pilot I wrote for Star Trek: Dauntless, which this game is based on:

(Captain Milquetoast exits the turbolift onto the bridge, straightens his uniform, and glances around nervously.)

Stern Bulldike First Officer: Captain on the bridge.

(Milquetoast takes his seat.)

Generic Science Officer Guy: Captain, I am detecting a ship on the far side of this system. Shall I run a scan?

Captain Milquetoast: Hmm... I don't know. Maybe we should get closer, first. Does that sound like a good idea to everyone? Helm, could you take us a little closer?

Spritely Bajoran Slut: No. We're fine right here, sir.

CM: Hm... alright. You probably know what's best. Go ahead and run the scan.

GSOG: I can't get a good reading from this far out.

SBFO: Maybe we could try getting closer, sir?

CM: But isn't that what I...

SBS: I could plot an intercept course. Should I do that, sir?

CM: Yeah, um, yeah sure go ahead.

GSOG: Okay, that's much better. The ship is Cardassian. Their technobabble thingy indicates they're smuggling weapons.

CM: Maybe we should hai-

Tactical Officer Whose Only Defining Feature is Hating Cardassians: Typical Cardassians.

CM: Well, um, okay, but I think we should hai-

SBS: Man those Cardassians suck.

CM: Your input is valued, but I really do think we should ha-

SBFO: That's enough you two. Your personal feelings will not get in the way of this mission!!

CM: Thanks, number one. Now I'm thinking we might want to hai-

SBS: Sorry, Commander.

CM: Well, don't worry about it. But now I'd like you to hai-

CM: Do you want me to hail them, sir?

CM: (world weary sigh) Go ahead.

Followed is an intense exchange of words between the Cardassian Captain and Stern Bulldike First Officer. You might think that's like just the tutorial level or something, but as far as I could tell in my four hours the entire game is like that outside of combat. You just do whatever is suggested by the crew as soon as it's suggested and nothing more. On the rare occasion you can input a command before it's suggested, you still get to hear the script being played out with the character asking if they should do something even after you've already told them to.

Combat is supposed to come in two modes. "Captain's Chair Mode" where the only really effective way to fight is to let your tactical officer handle everything and external/arcadey mode which seems to be necessary for the later, tougher fights, but which completely ruins the one selling point the game had (the Captain's chair feel). Awful.

Up Next: Vice City!

Deus Ex. Those were the days (last time I played it was last week).

Hahaha, that Trek game sounds terrible.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

I liked this game. A lot.



Well, I guess that's not enough for a proper review, is it? Sorry, it's been a while since I've done this. The... um... music was good and, um, the eighties... stuff? I liked the driving parts well enough, I guess. I wish losing a mission didn't require starting over all the way back at your safehouse. Don't know if anyone else noticed that?

This... this isn't going well, is it. Okay, I'll level with you, I kind of got a little carried away with this game. It started off innocuous enough, stole some cars killed some pedestrians, met some crime people. And then... The suit. I realize it's probably been a while since you've played this game, but in one of the early missions, you're tasked with visiting a yacht party and are told to find some nicer clothes. So you drive out to this shop and step onto the mission icon and suddenly you're wearing... I don't know what the technical term is. Is it a leisure suit? I don't know. I'll just call it a Miami Vice Suit since that's what everyone is supposed to recognize it from.

I'm not sure what it is about the Miami Vice Suit but, Tommy Carcetti, standing there in the fauxe-eighties neon lit night... Something just clicked for me. Part of it is that I maybe kind of look like Tommy. Or like Tommy is what I'd look like if I was in better shape and could keep a perpetual 5'oclock shadow without it growing into an ungainly beard. And was being rendered with early aughts 3D technology on a midrange computer. I guess.

But in that moment I didn't think of Tommy Carcetti as a video game avatar. I was Tommy Carcetti, and he was me. But better. Stronger. Faster. More confident. A me that had decided to stop living by societies conventions and truly embrace my Will to Power. Needless to say I was hooked.

I played Vice City every available moment. I lost sleep. My work suffered, but fortunately I was temping at the time and it was easy enough to keep my problems under the radar. I beat the main game in less than a week, and had completed most of the optional content a couple days later. You'd think that would be enough, at the time I certainly thought it would be. I even set the game aside for a few days, convinced that I'd pick it back up that weekend, hit 100% completion and move on to bigger and better things. But the. It happened: In some distant corner of the map I discovered the final hidde package. As soon as I collected it, I pulled up the stats screen and there it was listed in black and purple. "Completion Percentage: 100%". I woke up in the hospital -6 hours later.

They called it a panic attack and chalked it up to sleep deprivation. They gave me some pills and sent me home. I think I took maybe three before chucking the bottle in the trash. The meds didn't help; I knew only one thi g would. With trembling hands, I booted up my computer. I clicked the big V on my desktop. I deleted my savegame. A few moments later, Flock of Seagulls was playing from my desktop speakers and I was, for the moment, at peace.

Things got better there, for a while. I played every day, but rarely for more than an hour at a time. I made a point of maintaining my "normal life". It became, for a while, just this weird ritual. I'd play just a little every night before going to bed, without fail. Whenever I got near 100% completion, I'd kill my save and start over.

I was managing my life, more or less, but I couldn't deny my ever growing dissatisfaction. There was Tommy, striding his city like a pastel clad colossus, triumphing over his enemies over and over every night for years. And here was me, stuck in a series of menial jobs, going nowhere, respected by no one. Slowly but surely my Vice City sessions expanded in scope, until they were once again my only pastime. I swear there were months when I didn't sleep at all. I realize that's impossible. I'd be dead. But that's what it felt like. I remember very little from that time. I woke up in the hospital again. It was 2006.

The facility they housed me in was nice enough, and I even had regular internet access. The doctors suggested it might help my recovery to connect with old friends, but I didn't really have any. I'd never been a social butterfly and everytime I did try to get in contact with someone from before, they'd relay some horror story about my past behavior that I just couldn't remember. Like the time I'd shown up at my former best friends house, clearly fucked up, Devo blaring from my car speakers as a drove up onto his front lawn at 70 miles per hour. Needless to say, he didn't want anything to do with me.

I hit upon the idea of connecting with folks I knew on the internet. Embarassed to tell the real story, I concocted an elaborate fiction. I'd met a girl; I'd bought a place. I felt bad about lying but decided these more prosaic markers of success might supplant my Tommy Carcetti fantasies. I was wrong. The insurance stopped covering my treatment and I was discharged. It was a week without support when i began dreaming of the Miami Vice Suit again. I wasn't allowed to play on the computer at the halfway house, but my roomate suggested something even better. Pulling down a battered Beverely Hills Cop poster, he reached into a hole i. The drywall and extracted his treasure. As I saw the sandwich bag filled with white powder, some voice in my head suggested that this was what I had been missing, the subtext of the game had been obvious: Tommy was energetic, and aggressive in a way that suggested without ever making explicit. And weren't thise the very qualities I'd admired in him? Somehow, I knew that this would at last be the ticket to my best possible self.

I won't say what happened from there, but I guess I should be grateful the DA was willing to plea me down to only 7 years. I think maybe he felt sorry for me; and I must have been a pathetic site. Drawn out, haggard, clad in ill-fitting polyester. I've had some time to reflect since then, and I'm beginning to realize the truth.

What had been missing in my life wasn't some garish power fantasy. It wasn't even the markers of middle class respectability that I'd briefly pretended to. The truth was that I'd just never been able to finish anything I started. College, relationships, my creative endeavors; I always set out with admirable ambitions but could never quite make it to 100% completion. I new that for me to ever be happy, this would have to change. And, as I stepped into the sunlight this afternoon, a free man for the first time, I knew the perfect place to start.

So in conclusion, Vice City was a pretty solid game, overall.

Total Playing Time: 97,944 hours

Up Next: Deus Ex: Invisible War

I'm getting cold just reading this knowing how ski'd up the author was typing it.

Ski'd up? Sorry, I haven't had a ton of time to catch up on the vernacular; I'm sure you understand under the circumstances.

The good news is I finally figured out my password. The bad news is that the next review will be delayed as my copy of Invisble War was apparently siezed under Civil Forfeiture.

Well, you put the hours in with GTA, so at this point we're going to consider you the expert authority around here on the topic.

Here is my impression of Invisible War. Ahem.

SCENE 1

** Knock over your lamp


SCENE 2

** Knock over your lamp conspiracy?

F
I
N

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Here is my impression of Invisible War. Ahem.

SCENE 1

** Knock over your lamp


SCENE 2

** Knock over your lamp conspiracy?

F
I
N

Jokes! I clearly need to develop material about entertainment media released this decade. I need to get a PC capable of actually running games and then play like Divinity Original Sin and/or that Shadowrun game from a while back. It pisses me off that these things came on the scene like the day after I finally gave up on PC gaming. I need to figure out if there's a release date for Torment, which is something I would have been painfully obsessed with had it gone into development back when I could get painfully obsessed with in development video games that I know deep down will disappoint me horribly.