Jolt Country

Right, then. Perhaps if you are a pilot, or know a pilot who frequents your BBS and keeps making this reference because he thinks it's funny, you might be familiar with the term "$100 Hamburger", referring to the practice of getting in airplane, flying somewhere distant, purchasing a $3.99 hamburger, flying back, and then paying the rental fee on the plane, which is approximately $229.43. Hence, the $100 Hamburger.

Well, I'd like to introduce to you now:

THE $100 THAI DINNER

And this is not even counting yesterday, when I bought the goddamn cookbook. The goddamn cookbook makes three things abundantly clear, right from the get-go:

1. If you do not have and use a mortar/pestle to prepare your ingredients, you are scum.

2. If you do not make your own coconut milk, you are scum.

3. You are scum.

Well, I don't have to take that. But, in this particular case, I did take that, which required the following absurd shopping trip, which actually occurred today:

STOP 1: Chefsmart
This is a small, but well-recommended out-of-the-way cook's supply store. What they DON'T have (or apparently have ever heard of) is a mortar/pestle.

Things bought: Nothing.
Money spent: $0

STOP 2: The Asian Seafood Market
I knew where this was because in my Indian cooking days, I'd notice it since it's right next to the Indian grocery. Walking into the place, it seemed to me that the Indian grocery will either go out of business shortly, or is actually a front for some organized crime organization, because this place is to that place what Wal-Mart is to whatever you find between the cracks in your couch. WOW! Aisles and aisles (well, five aisles) of shit NOBODY has ever heard of. Actual ASIANS are walking down the aisle, shouting in that funny Asian accent, "What da fuck izziss??" Great place! AND, they had a mortar/pestle, lying underneath the lowest shelf in one aisle, collecting dust and Asian germs. But I noted it was there. This was not time to buy anything, though, this was time to shop some more.

Things bought: Nothing.
Money spent: $0

STOP 3: Bed, Bath & Beyond
Oh, do I love this store. I never buy anything there, I just love being there. Rows and rows of $500 cookware sets, $150 knives, $35 lemon zesters. It's what my kitchen would look like if I was a zillionaire. In fact, I'd just buy a BB&B, close up shop, and live there. Except I can't now, because they don't have a mortar/pestle. So, fuck BB&B.

Things bought: Nothing.
Money spent: $0

STOP 4: "Asian Grocery", next to the Safeway.
Wow, in just a few short weeks, this place seems to have fallen on hard times. The shelves were nearly empty, and the guy manning the register thanked me when I left. Maybe they were getting ready to close for Christmas or something.

Things bought: Nothing.
Money spent: $0

STOP 5: "Safeway", next to the Asian Grocery.
The entire reason for this trip was to see if someone, ANYONE, would have lemongrass. All I want is a little teeny thing of lemongrass. I've never touched a real lemongrass in my life. Sure, I got the dried stuff if I need it, but wouldn't just a teensy bit of lemongrass in your grubby little fingers just make everything worthwhile? Alas, it was not to be. And interestingly, Safeway has a worse "Oriental" section than the lowly King Soopers, even though it has better everything else. But that's not what this story is about.

Things bought: Nothing.
Money spent: $0

STOP 6: "Target (Louisville)"
My favorite Target, and my "go-to" spot for cheap random crap. One cheap random crap I wanted was a buttload of little plastic containers. Could Target help me? How does "54-Piece Plastic Container Set (w/Measuring Spoons!)" for $19.99 strike you? I slurped that shit right up, then grabbed another steel mixing bowl on the way out, just out of spite. Who I was spiting, I haven't quite figured out yet, but believe me, it was out of spite.

Things bought: Plastic containers, mixing bowl.
Money spent: About $25.

Stop 7: "Wild Oats (Louisville)"
I hate Wild Oats with a passion I usually only hold for my hatred of Whole Foods, but the fact is, if you're willing to let them BEND YOU OVER THE OLIVE BAR and FUCK YOU UP YOUR VEGAN, HIPPIE ASS, they've got some pretty good stuff. At least, this one does. The one(s) in Boulder generally suck. So, when in Colorado, please enjoy the Louisville Wild Oats. Again, my main goal was lemongrass, and -- oh! Wonder of wonders! -- they actually had a teeny little plastic container of a chopped up lemongrass stalk... For... For $2.99. But, where the hell else am I gonna get it? So, I let 'em RAPE ME LIKE THERE WAS A RAPING CONTEST, and the WINNER got to RAPE LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE as a prize! I also purchase one (1) bunch of cilantro, and a little snack of dolmedes stuffed grape leaves, because I was hungry. Yes, I got fucked on those too. God, do I hate Wild Oats. (And Whole Foods, if you're reading this, you fucking bastards. DIE.)

Things bought: Lemongrass, cilantro, greek snack.
Money spent: $10

Alright. Ready for the big one?

STOP 8: The Asian Seafood Market... Again.
Now that I knew what all these other loser places had to offer, it was becoming clear that the ASM was really the only place to go for anything, except for the aforementioned lemongrass. So I went back, got a cart, and just went to fucking town. I don't even remember all the crap I got, but I know it included at least two kinds of rice, frozen banana leaves, dried mangos, and of course, the mortar/pestle, which was the whole point of this escapade to begin with. I even stopped by the produce section to pick up some Thai chiles, maybe a little ginger and garlic and wh---

---

....oh no. Oh no they didn't.

What did I see, dear reader, in this produce section, hidden in the back shelf of the little two-level display case along the floor? For $1.99 a fucking pound?

Piles. Stacks. Egyptian pyramids of nothing but pure, shiny, fresh lemongrass. Oh, motherfucker. I picked up three huge stalks, each of which would comprise one of those $3 little Wild Oats packets. That was a half pound. A fucking dollar. Jesus Christ.

I picked up my huge-ass mortar and lugged everything to the cashier.

Things bought: Everything in the entire store I could identify.
Money spent: $58 and change.

Time to head back home with my loot!

Oh, but wait. You didn't think I was done yet, did you?

STOP 9: King Soopers
No shopping trip would be complete without a pilgrimage to good ol' KS. After checking my Thai cookbook for a recipe I was prepared to make, I headed over for the requisite ingredients.

Things bought: Coconuts, cucumbers, limes, and catfish. Oh, and a shitload of paper towels.

Money spent: About $18.

STOP 10: Pettyjohn's Wine & Spirits
Good old Pettyjohn's.

Things bought: White wine (for the recipe.) A fifth of vodka (for the cook.)
Money spent: About $26

Then it was back home to begin a day of cooking unlike I can remember in my history. I started with trying (and half-succeeding) in making my own coconut milk/cream, so as not to be scum. I can do a whole separate post about this process, but let's just say, it's a rollercoaster of emotions. Then using my shiny new mortar to bash the crap out of things and make all sorts of Thai chile pastes and spice pastes and things I don't know the name of. Then preparing an authentic Thai salad dressing for the cucumber salad, which has lots of fish sauce and sugar and lots and lots of lime jui-- ah, shit.

STOP 11: King Soopers, Again
Things bought: More limes.
Money spent: $2.07

And then, finally, with my 54 new plastic mise-bowls lined up all over the kitchen, each playing host to some strange, foreign, unknown ingredient, I did the catfish, following the recipe in the book to the letter, except for the part about not drinking lots and lots of vodka while you're cooking it, presented everything to myself (and through the magic of photography, to you, the reader) and went to town.

Please. Enjoy. This is what $100 looks like. (Presented in HD Widescreen.)

pinback wrote:What did I see, dear reader, in this produce section, hidden in the back shelf of the little two-level display case along the floor? For $1.99 a fucking pound?

Piles. Stacks. Egyptian pyramids of nothing but pure, shiny, fresh lemongrass.

See? What did I tell you?

It looks good, and it looks like it tasted good.

One of my little secrets: I don't bother making my own coconut milk. That's what the cans are for.

I sometimes use the mortar and pestle, but mostly to grind dry-roasted spices. If it's wet, it goes into the blender as God intended.

I may be scum, but I'm <i>efficient</i> scum.

I had Tom Kah Gai tonight. It was pretty good too, but needed more salt.

Bruce

bruce wrote:One of my little secrets: I don't bother making my own coconut milk. That's what the cans are for.

My favorite part of the whole thing was the "milking" process, of squeezing the coconut in warm water for... well, probably for longer than they tell you to, because it was just so... sinful.

I sometimes use the mortar and pestle, but mostly to grind dry-roasted spices. If it's wet, it goes into the blender as God intended.

This, I don't get. Not only is it more satisfying to do it in the M + P, I found it to actually end up being EASIER. You bash it for a couple minutes, and you're good to go. You do it in a blender, you gotta futz with it getting stuck, and scraping down the sides, and digging out the crap in the bottom, and it still never gets to that real thick "paste" stage. At least in my experience. I'll admit, though, that I purchased the cheapest blender possible. And my Cuisinart has yet to arrive shipped from California.

But still, I wouldn't give up bashing crap for anything. I've got problems, though.

I had Tom Kah Gai tonight. It was pretty good too, but needed more salt.

The fuck is that?

(I don't know anything about Thai food.)

(Other than how to spend lots of money on it and write long, ponderous posts about it on BBSs.)

Here's how I dealt with the coconut opening problem.

One day I did -- or maybe I didn't -- buy a coconut from the store. I was going to cook with it! Only I didn't have a way to open it.

So it sat on my kitchen sink. I couldn't open it with any knive I had in my apartment. It sat there through winter, it sat there through spring, it sat there through Hadhafang, it sat there through Sting.

So one hot summer night with nothing else to eat I took it out back where the cement porch was and smashed it against the floor. It cracked open and I lost the coconut "milk."

The coconut shavings I did manage to get were satisfactory.

pinback wrote:Things bought: Coconuts, cucumbers, limes, and catfish. Oh, and a shitload of paper towels.

I'm glad you take cat-sitting so seriously.

ICJ wrote:Here's how I dealt with the coconut opening problem.

Good story, Robb.

pinback wrote:

bruce wrote:I had Tom Kah Gai tonight. It was pretty good too, but needed more salt.

The fuck is that?

Chicken coconut-milk lime lemongrass soup.

Bruce

Tom = Soup.
Kah [sic] = Coconut.
Gai = Chicken.

Got it.